The World Race

I should be leaving for the World Race in two weeks. A year living out of a backpack. A year spent in 11 different counties.  A year surronded by my squad. A year full of nothing but whimsical adventure.

but I'm not leaving for the World Race in two weeks. Instead I will be in classes, I will be getting ready to take my first exams this semester. 

Am I bummed out at the fact that I could be leaving soon for an adventure of a lifetime, seriously? Yes. 

Do I know why I said 'no' to the World Race? Absolutely. 

I was searching for something. Something to make my life stand for something. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be doing with my life. Id been to Africa twice and I had friends who did mission work--- so I knew I had to do something & it had to be huge. What's bigger than putting everything that's comfortable to me aside and living out of a backpack for an entire year? ---- nothing. At least not for me. I did the phone interview and got accepted. I told my entire family I was going. I was already planning on how to pack. I decided to circle each country that I would be visting with a sharpie, which is permanent. I would sit on my couch to turn on the usual, New Girl, each night and would look up to see the map with 11 different circles, and my heart would leap, partially with excitement but more with fear. 

A fear of not knowing if it's really what im supposed to do. About a week after the phone interview I received an email from Visting Orphans, explaining that they were in search of a co-leader for the Uganda trip in June. This would usually bring nothing but excitement, but it lead to my brain going into overdrive. I wasn't sure what to do-- so I prayed this prayer "okay, Jesus, you know what I just applied for. You know that's what I want to do, but I also want to lead this trip. What do you want me to do?" This lead to me waiting for about 10 minutes in silence before going onto the next prayer "okay, okay, okay, how about this I'm going to fast somethings and can I just get an answer... quick?" ---still nothing. So my final prayer "Jesus, you know that my heart desires both of these trips and you can make both of them happen, but I know it's smarter to choose one. If you want me to go on the Race, let me get accepted. If you want me to go to Uganda, don't let me get accepted. 

A week passed, a phone call from The Race and I was accepted! This would usually lead to me jumping up and down in excitement. They actually have some of the phone calls on speaker so the office can hear the reactions, this reminds the workers why they do what they do. I was silent when we told me. I said "really? Are you sure!?" She replied with a giant "yes" and I held back the tears. Of course, I was excited on the phone. I was excited about getting accepted in general. I just didn't know what to do.

I had friends over when I took the phone call, I walked in and didn't tell them the news. I held it in, mainly because my brain was in overdrive. 'Jesus, I thought that the call would mean I was supposed to go and feel peace about it, why don't I feel peace?' 

Id set up my first big fundraiser and decided that I would do both. I would co-lead to Uganda in June, come home for two weeks, training camp and then the race in September. The first fundraiser was an awesome turn out, but left me feeling no peace. I remember after this beautiful fundraiser I got in my car and cried. I didn't know why, I didn't have the answer. I just cried and I remember telling Jesus that it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that my friend was gone doing awesome things, it wasn't fair that my 'good' season had changed, it wasn't fair that I couldn't do both, it wasn't fair that I still didn't feel peace. 

For two weeks, I was in limbo. I sent emails to The Race and to VO explaining that I had not received an answer on either yet. They understood fully and prayed me through the process. I remember a guy who worked for The Race would call me just to check in and pray, prayers sent through emails, text messages. I was praying- they were praying. 

I had decided The World Race. 

I told my mentor and she put it pretty clear for me. She asked me what I wanted my life to look like-- I explained it to her and she said, "nobody can tell you what to do, only you can do that. But sometimes Jesus doesn't always give us an answer, He gives us the freedom to choose- not one is better than the other." With that being said, I told her I'd chosen the race, only for her to look me dead in the eyes and ask "why did you get Africa tattooed on your shoulder?"

That was all I needed to hear, clearly. I told her why it was on my shoulder through a cracked voice. I drove home and knew that it wasn't my time for The Race. I gave it a few days to simmer and I emailed both of the organizations to let one know I wouldn't be joining and let the other know that I would love more than anything to co-lead a trip. 

I've co-led that trip now, I learned so much from it. So. Much. I made friends. Incredible friends. I was a leader and it wasn't until this past week that I realized that my team members still see me as a leader, I got a phone call last week from someone seeking advice. I got baptized in the Nile River, only to turn around and have the opportunity to baptize some of my team mates. I was pushed and molded. When I got to the airport the first day of meeting my team, I saw that one member had on a bracelet that read #11n11-- I asked her if she had gone on The Race, and she explained that her boyfriend was on it currently. By looking at her red World Race bracelet and seeing the team all meet each other for the first time in the airport, I finally felt that peace I was searching for.  

Sure, I still think about what my life would look like right now if I were about to leave for a year. My room would probably be cleaner, my body would be in better shape, my attitude would be lighter, my bags would be packed, my words would mean more, my hugs would last longer, my quiet time would dig deeper and I probably would appreciate the nights my cat hogs the entire bed. But, just because I'm not leaving for The Race in two weeks doesn't mean that those things listed above shouldn't happen. I should be living my life like Jesus will call me to move any second. I am thankful for The Race. I'm thankful for Visting Orphans who let me co-lead and is now letting me lead in July. I'm thankful for a Jesus who gives me the freedom to choose. 

And I'm thankful that I can follow my peace. 

The day I fell in love all over again

I'm writing with a heart that is heavy. A heart that was reminded of why I was placed on this earth. A heart that longs to be sitting with Jesus, right now. A heart that is so confused as to what emotions to show that i sit quietly. A heart that is broken because my disobedience. because of the brokenness in this world. because of the pain I've put on myself. the pressure I've put on myself. Pressure that has kept me from allowing myself to be 'broken'-- 

The past month and a half, I've been running. Something happened in my life that wasn't easy. It's still not easy. But i dealt with it the best way possible. Apparently that was, be so busy that I push my thoughts out. That I have no time to sit at home in my thoughts. That I don't have time in His presence because I'm running.  

In the last month, I've gone through the motions- ive taught preschool out of routine, I've hidden behind a camera during worship sessions, I've led outreach meetings out of routine, I've smiled out of routine, I've greeted out of routine. I've literally not just sat still. I go to sleep looking at videos I took that day. I wake up to surround myself by noise. I make countless phone calls and have meetings scheduled for lunch, like I'm someone important. I've not allowed myself to enjoy certain moments. 

Today, I woke up just like any other day. I got dressed, grabbed my camera bag and headed to church. Knowing that I had things to shoot and I had to teach preschool. I had a plan. I unpacked the camera and got ready to shoot, I walked up to the stage and started recording. Then, I walked back to the sound booth and put my camera down. I laid it down and went to sit in a chair (this was preservice, best shots)-- the band started their next song and I started praying for the things Pastor asked us to pray for, my routined prayer. The worship leader hit a key and I knew where it was going, so I sat down. "How He Loves"-- I sat still. I was indian style in my chair with my head down and before the chorus hit I was weeping. a moment that longed to be remembered. I was alone in that room with Jesus. He told me more in that 3 minutes than I've heard in the past 3 months. A red dirty road, a group of youngins in tattered clothes smiling so bright, that their smiles lit up the picture as they ran towards me replayed over and over in my mind. With the next verse starting, I realized that I had been singing the chorus in kenyanrwandan. Which only made me weep harder. 

Since, I was little I've felt replaceable. Sure, most of it is me. Most of it stems from when I was 12-15. But it's part of me, at least I've made it part of me. I've created a thing in me that makes me do anything to keep people in my life. To please people, to impress people, to make it where I'm not so 'replaceable.' Throughout relationships in my life, friendships in my life and any of the other multiple things I've had, I've always felt that at the drop of the hat, I would be replaced. So I've forever had trust issues, I've forever asked one hundred questions, only to recieve a small reassurance. Today, while watching this image and wiping tears, I kept hearing "irreplaceableable" -- 

I left the sanctuary, walked into a stall and locked the door only to weep harder. Because I've been lying to myself. I've been running, sprinting towards something that's at the opposite end of Jesus. I've been running from 'my calling.' I've tried going through the routines to tell myself and show everyone around me that I am okay. But really I'm broken. 

This morning, I left my camera at the sound booth and I fell back in love with my kiddos. I found my calling all over again today. I listened to giggles. I pulled out the prayer mailbox (which we've placed request in for 3 years now) I pulled out old ones, just to reminisce. I had a small idea of what I would teach-- only for it to be completely changed into talking about how much Jesus loves us and to hear in response..... 

"He loves us bigger than a whale"  

"He loves THIS much" 

and Jesus softly told me today. "Take me in like a child" remember that. 

Tonight I was ready to get home, to be alone in my thoughts. To remember our moment today, where I was fully in His presence. I got my toes stepped on by Jesus today, He made me uncomfortable. And that's just what I needed. He did it in a way that only a daddy can. He reminded me in a song that I've sang a million times, just how much He really does love me. He loves every inch of me. He loves me when I fail. He loves me when I doubt. He loves me when I'm scared. He loves me when I run from Him. He loves me when I don't want to be a Christian anymore. He loves me when I'm a bad friend, which is often. He loves me when I'm rude. He loves me when I yell. He loves me when I cry out of anger. He loves me. And He tells me that I'm irreplaceable. He promises me things. He knows my language. He teaches me. He molds me. He inspires me. He dances with me. He looks at me through a child's eyes. He holds my hand. He laughs with me. 

&& in return I owe Him, me. 

welcome to my journal

I'm back. Full swing in classes. In church stuff. With trying to get a schedule down. I think I've finally got things all figured out, like im getting my ducks in a row and then I toss and turn at night while my mind goes so fast that nothing can seem to catch up with it.

Sometimes the thoughts are vague, sometimes the thoughts sound like I'm reading my ethics book, "what is real?" "Is this moment real? Can you prove it?" 

So tonight at 2am, I cannot sleep. I'm not really sure why. I guess, it's just the change of things. My body is either getting use to routine or denying it-- it can't seem to make up it's mind. 

Tonight, I find myself thinking about life. About my passions. About the roles that I'm playing in people's lives and in Jesus' storybook. Am I really living everything He wants me to do? Or am I doing things that I want to do? What will my life look like in 5 years? What does it mean to be "called" to do something? How will I know if and when I'm "called"?  Is there ever really a day when my life will make sense to me? What are my true, raw passions? 

That's the real one. The tough one. The one that makes me uncomfortable. Only because I have to dig so deep that I have to forget about everything that is comfortable to get to my answer. Or at least, that's how I think it works. We are told to leave everything behind and follow Christ. So for me, what does that look like? 

I place myself in different scenarios. I ask myself the hard questions. 

Hard questions:: 

Would I still go to Africa, if it went unnoticed? 

Would I say I'm passionate about children if I didn't go to Africa? 

Would I have a different degree choice if I knew I'd have a job in it? 

Do I really want to teach? Everyday for the rest of my life? 

When's the last time I laid on my floor and wept for hurting people? 

When's the last time I truly felt inspired? 

What does inspire me? 

What makes me what to do better? 

These are my thoughts in the quiet of the night. I use to be afraid of these thoughts because I never knew how I answer them. 

Here are some of my answers: 

Sure, I would still go to Africa. 

I'm not sure if i would be as passionate about children if I didn't go to Africa. That's where the passion seemed to be birthed.

I honestly would probably have a degree in 

Non Profit/Videography/photography/Writing 

I don't know. 

I think I shed a couple of tears while praying last week for Iraq. 

Tonight while talking in the outreach meeting. 

I get inspired when I watch other people get inspired. I get inspired by music or shooting images.

Jesus makes me want to do better. 

I just interviewed myself. That's how my thoughts work at this hour. But realistically. I don't have concrete answers for any of the above questions. But Jesus does, so I will find my rest in knowing that.