The past month and a half, I've been running. Something happened in my life that wasn't easy. It's still not easy. But i dealt with it the best way possible. Apparently that was, be so busy that I push my thoughts out. That I have no time to sit at home in my thoughts. That I don't have time in His presence because I'm running.
In the last month, I've gone through the motions- ive taught preschool out of routine, I've hidden behind a camera during worship sessions, I've led outreach meetings out of routine, I've smiled out of routine, I've greeted out of routine. I've literally not just sat still. I go to sleep looking at videos I took that day. I wake up to surround myself by noise. I make countless phone calls and have meetings scheduled for lunch, like I'm someone important. I've not allowed myself to enjoy certain moments.
Today, I woke up just like any other day. I got dressed, grabbed my camera bag and headed to church. Knowing that I had things to shoot and I had to teach preschool. I had a plan. I unpacked the camera and got ready to shoot, I walked up to the stage and started recording. Then, I walked back to the sound booth and put my camera down. I laid it down and went to sit in a chair (this was preservice, best shots)-- the band started their next song and I started praying for the things Pastor asked us to pray for, my routined prayer. The worship leader hit a key and I knew where it was going, so I sat down. "How He Loves"-- I sat still. I was indian style in my chair with my head down and before the chorus hit I was weeping. a moment that longed to be remembered. I was alone in that room with Jesus. He told me more in that 3 minutes than I've heard in the past 3 months. A red dirty road, a group of youngins in tattered clothes smiling so bright, that their smiles lit up the picture as they ran towards me replayed over and over in my mind. With the next verse starting, I realized that I had been singing the chorus in kenyanrwandan. Which only made me weep harder.
Since, I was little I've felt replaceable. Sure, most of it is me. Most of it stems from when I was 12-15. But it's part of me, at least I've made it part of me. I've created a thing in me that makes me do anything to keep people in my life. To please people, to impress people, to make it where I'm not so 'replaceable.' Throughout relationships in my life, friendships in my life and any of the other multiple things I've had, I've always felt that at the drop of the hat, I would be replaced. So I've forever had trust issues, I've forever asked one hundred questions, only to recieve a small reassurance. Today, while watching this image and wiping tears, I kept hearing "irreplaceableable" --
I left the sanctuary, walked into a stall and locked the door only to weep harder. Because I've been lying to myself. I've been running, sprinting towards something that's at the opposite end of Jesus. I've been running from 'my calling.' I've tried going through the routines to tell myself and show everyone around me that I am okay. But really I'm broken.
This morning, I left my camera at the sound booth and I fell back in love with my kiddos. I found my calling all over again today. I listened to giggles. I pulled out the prayer mailbox (which we've placed request in for 3 years now) I pulled out old ones, just to reminisce. I had a small idea of what I would teach-- only for it to be completely changed into talking about how much Jesus loves us and to hear in response.....
"He loves us bigger than a whale"
"He loves THIS much"
and Jesus softly told me today. "Take me in like a child" remember that.
Tonight I was ready to get home, to be alone in my thoughts. To remember our moment today, where I was fully in His presence. I got my toes stepped on by Jesus today, He made me uncomfortable. And that's just what I needed. He did it in a way that only a daddy can. He reminded me in a song that I've sang a million times, just how much He really does love me. He loves every inch of me. He loves me when I fail. He loves me when I doubt. He loves me when I'm scared. He loves me when I run from Him. He loves me when I don't want to be a Christian anymore. He loves me when I'm a bad friend, which is often. He loves me when I'm rude. He loves me when I yell. He loves me when I cry out of anger. He loves me. And He tells me that I'm irreplaceable. He promises me things. He knows my language. He teaches me. He molds me. He inspires me. He dances with me. He looks at me through a child's eyes. He holds my hand. He laughs with me.
&& in return I owe Him, me.
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