He washed feet so I will too

I woke up that morning and knew that it was going to be a powerful day - I knew that we would be working with Sole Hope -- an organization that goes into villages and removes jiggers from kiddos feet and then gives them new shoes to sport.

The process of getting the team up and ready to go out was a good one, a great morning devotion followed by breakfast and prayer. On the bus I started listening to worship music because I needed to get in the presence the best way I knew how before getting on the field. I opened my bible to look up the verse about washing feet and read it aloud to the team--

When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them. You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly
so, for that is what I am.  Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them. John 13: 12-17

The process of removing a jigger is a foot washing, then a needle and cotton swabs to remove the jigger and next is a bandage-- then the shoes. Not knowing what I would be doing I knew that feet washing was in the options. The buses pulled up at the school where we would be working and the kiddos ran to the field knowing that the 'muzungus' were their to visit them. So we brought out the parachute, turned on the music and waited for the Sole Hope team to set up the stations. Then it was go time -the children got directions on how to participate and the volunteers found their stations. Some of the team went to shoe fitting, some went to jigger removing and some went to feet washing. I chose feet washing.

I put on my apron, sat down at the bench in front of a bucket filled with clean water, a scrubbing brush and a blue bar of soap and looked around at the rest of the team getting ready for their stations and then I saw the children lining up. It was go time, they brought the child to my station and I looked at him with a big smile, he sat on the stool and placed his feet in the water. I picked up each foot and scrubbed. I placed one in and picked up the other to clean it-- I looked down and the water was dirty. It was brown water from one child. I got done with his feet and he sat until someone came to pick him up to move him to the next station.

As the next hour went on I had about 20 children throughout my washing station, I had to change the water after every 5th child simply because the water became muddy water. I greeted every kiddo with the same big smile. They all knew to sit on the stool, but when it came to the part when I would put their feet in the water some splashed them in there, some were hesitant and some just stared at the water. I could hear their thoughts by the way they looked at me, looked at the water, looked back at me and then slowly let me place their feet in the water. 'Why are you placing my feet in such clean water?" "Why are you washing my feet?"

Of course they never verbalized anything we just smiled at one another, but I silently responded with a prayer for each child and a simple, 'I'm washing your feet because I love you and I love your creator. I love how dirty your feet are and I would wash them everyday if I knew that it was helping you in someway. I would listen to your little giggle because the brush tickled your foot and I would doctor the booboo on your foot that is making you wince everytime I touch it. I would guide your tiny dirty feet in the clean water any second of the day. And then I would hold you and let you cry as they removed jiggers from your feet. I would hold you so tightly that the pain goes away and then I would dance with you when you get those new shoes.'

The jigger removing process was brutal. Some children had up to 20 jiggers in their feet and as I watched for just a few seconds and I saw the strongest kids I'd ever seen in my life. They didn't cry. Some didn't budge. You would hear a man who works with Sole Hope come by and say 'you are strong' this is something you hear a lot of over there. The young boys and girls have to be adults at such a young age. They can't cry- its a sign of weakness. So they learned to push through.

This day has yet to hit me fully. It was one of the best days of my life. I learned so much while washing feet. I loved being there. I loved their joy. I loved their shoes. I loved the looks they gave you when they put on their new shoes. & I loved how much I thought about Jesus washing the disciples feet.

a different kind of Africa

This was written June 21st, but is being posted now because Uganda Internet doesn't exist sometimes. 

Why am I here? What are you going to do with this? How will this look in 5 years? Am I doing this right? 

These are question that replay in my head during the day sometimes. I let them go around and around for a bit and then I realize that it's not from Jesus, it's the enemy-- trying to make the doubts of my mind come out. So I stop them. I stop them. I take a deep breath of the dusty- firewood burning Uganda air, I look around at the smiles of the people here and I take it in. That is one thing that I promised myself that I would do, embrace the moments here because they will be gone soon enough. No need to rush them off by the thoughts that sometimes seem to be screaming in a megaphone. 

There are so many roles that come with coleading that I wasn't sure if I could handle. I would have to pray over the entire team, I would have to get everyone into Uganda and so many other small jobs that come with the title. So of course I was nervous to begin with- I worried if I would be good at leading. I was worried if I would "be myself"-- be the one who my family sees, the one who my kiddos on Sunday morning see, be the one who my friends see or if I would be the shy one who hides behinds my insecurities. I got to the gate to meet the team, I sat down cracked a joke--- had all 9 laughing and knew immediately that the shy Callie who hides behind insecurities was gone. The flying process was just like any other........long. We landed in Uganda and there was Elisa. The leader who I had met for merely 10 minutes in Nashville at leadership training. That night we shared a room and talked about the team, about how the days ahead looked and about how excited we were to be here. 

The next morning was the start of the pushing from Jesus. That morning at the table I had to lead the devotion to a table of quiet strangers who said 'please' and 'thank you' after everything that they asked to be passed at the table. I listened to them softly talk to each other and then it was my turn to do devotion and I was nervous, who wouldn't be?! I prayed, I said what I needed to say and let Elisa take the rest of the table talk. I sat back wondering how long it takes for the team to become a family. 

We got on the road headed to Jinja and along the way I knew I was here- there was no denying it. I was looking out the window in awe of the beauty that Jesus was allowing me to see. We arrived at our hotel unloaded and carried on unto our first ministry. Abide Family Center- they believe that every child deserves a family so they have social worker come in and try to keep the families together. I remembered Elisa telling me as we were preparing for the trip that it was a different kind of trip when you lead. I didn't really give it much thought, I just imagined it being like the rest of the trips where I find that one kiddo and play with her all day, not worrying about anyone else until I heard the call to the bus. Wrong. What I got seemed just as great.

I got to watch 10 people make those connections. I got to watch 7 of which had not been to Africa  make their first connections with these joyful people. We did a photo booth for the kids and mamas. We brought Polaroid cameras and dress up things for them to have fun with. I wanted to come to bring help, to build something, get my hands dirty, do something that I knew was helping them in someway. And then I saw her, I saw this mama who was holding her infant. She was putting on a crown and sunglasses and dressing her infant in ten necklaces. She looked at me before I snapped the picture and her straight face that told a thousand stories broke. She let out the most pure giggle ive ever heard. Her teeth were so bright, her giggle brighten the pavilion, her baby even chuckled when he heard his mamas laugh. I couldn't help but not giggle at her giggle. It was like watching a transformation. I'd imagine it's how Jesus watches us transform, except way different. I felt her joy in my bones. I snapped the image and just like that I knew we were doing something. 

The next couple of days were lovely. We went into the village to love on the "village kids"-- village kids here are rough. They have to be. Many of their parents have died or left them, only leaving them with their grandmother to care for them. We did VBS with the children in a huge field, pictures, made bracelets, told the story of creation and played soccer after the rotation was done I watched was the team members held hands with kiddos, played and took pictures. I was walking around cleaning up, gathering things and checking in on everyone. On the other side of the field I saw them testing children for malaria, we were working with called Healing Faith, which goes into villages to end malaria and tell about Jesus. I saw a little girl get tested and come back positive. She was 2, I saw another little girl who's frail body just fit perfectly in Kara's arms. Kara, her husband and their 6 children have moved here to help Jason, his wife and their 5 kids. Kara's daughter is only 12 and she was sobbing over the idea of this little girl losing her life to malaria. It was so powerful to watch a 12 year old little girl from America cry over a 4 year old little girl who she couldn't ever pronounce her name. 

Yesterday we went into the village again but this time to hand nets. We walked to each little hut and taught about malaria, hung the net and then got to pray for the people. When I tell you that this was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I mean just that. I was walking into a house the she of my bathroom to hand 3 nets. Two slept here, one slept there and 4 sleep over there. We walked into dark, dark clay huts where the beds were torn to shreds, what we consider trash decorated the walls and was reused to hang their few belongings. No couch, no kitchen, some didn't even have beds. But they still smiled and welcomed us in. As we were hanging one the lady who occupies the home jumped for joy. Jumped up and down, smiled, said somethings in Luganda and patted me on the back. I embraced her, shook her hand and watched her joy beam though her entire body.

Later we went to see Ja-Ja. She is the grandma of the village, most if not all of the children answer to her. She lost her son last week and was left raising his children. She was sitting on the ground on at yard wearing a beautifully tattered African dress, her grey hair and big smile was worth admiring. Jason, the man who started Healing Faith with his wife, sat next to her. And just sat there he told her that we were grieving with her, she smiled and shook her head. I was sitting and holding her granddaughter, who seemed to be 4. She was the best. Her face dirty, so I cleaned it with a wipe she looked me into the eyes while I did it. She didn't say a word but none were needed I knew what she was saying just by looking in her big brown eyes. We walked back to the buses and I watched the team say their goodbyes to their friends who stuck with them all day. 

I was starting to get worried a bit about my emotions, simply because I had not cried yet and usually that's a second day thing. I watched a team member as she said goodbye to her new friend who was 12. She told the sweet little girl who lives in a village, "I will never forget you"-- I felt it. I knew in that moment why I was leading, I knew in that moment why I dint have a kiddo hanging on me all day long. My sweet team member with a heart of gold met her Joseani. Joseani was the little girl who changed my life. She was 11 when I met her in Rwanda and she is one of the reasons why I continue to come back. Simply because that one connection can change the world. That simple sentence that my team member said to her new friend wasn't a lie. It was the truth. She will never forget her and what that looks like, she doesn't even know. But because of that one connection I had almost 3 years ago. I think of Joseani daily, I remember her hugs when I'm having a bad day and here I am back in Africa again watching people make those connections. 

Throughout this trip I have felt Jesus allowing me to see certain moments, not just see them but feel them. Moments like the ones I shared above and some that are too precious to share. He is pushing me, molding me and teaching me to rely on Him. Fully. To answer a question from above: the team becomes a family whenever they all feel the same thing and thing is the love of Jesus through a joyful smile from a person who has nothing.

I usually would love to have that moment with that child. Who is to say I won't on this trip, but watching 10 people make those connections and later getting to hear them process their emotions and me knowing what to say and getting to pray for them just like my first team leader did, is one of the most rewarding and beautiful 'jobs' I've ever had. 

for Janet

It does not seem like I'm leaving today. I woke up just like I do every morning. I grabbed my phone and checked it, laid here for a minute and then it hit me. I will be in Uganda tomorrow. I sent a group text to the team I'm co-leading and I got a little anxious, but it settled in. The thought of me going to Africa and co leading this trip. 

I have been nervous about this. I have replayed everything that could go wrong. But this morning when I woke up I went over everything that could go right. I thought about the kiddos and their bright smiles, I thought about some of my team members who have never been on a mission trip. I remember my first one-- I was a nervous wreck even as the plane took off, but got there and knew that I was stepping into a part of what Jesus has for me. So im praying that over this team. 

I don't want this trip to be just another trip. I want to focus on the people, not on me. I want to love those kiddos in a way nobody else has. I want to look them in the eyes and say 'you're beautiful'-- I want to hear the stories from the team, but most importantly I want to feel my creator in ways I've never felt him. I want to embrace each moment, feel the moment and take it in forever. 

Every time I get ready for these trips I have moments of fear, of course who wouldn't? But I have there thoughts of losing people while I'm gone. I don't have a phone while I am there, I don't have social media so im out of the loop, which I kind of enjoy. when these negative thoughts sneak in all I think about is a previous team member, Janet. It was my first trip and she roomed with me and another girl. She was quiet but took things in, I remember her talking about how much she was ready to be in Uganda- I remember her listening to Free Willy- I remember her losing her luggage and having to borrow clothes but was so humble about it- I remember the moment she found out that her sister passed away in a car accident. I caught her, physically. She didn't know what to do so she just cried. Within 5 minutes our entire team (that were spread out throughout the hotel) were on the cold ground in Rwanda holding and praying overJanet. In that moment we were no longer strangers like we were 4 days before. We were family. The most pure form of family. 

That night as the three of us went to sleep there were moments in that room that are too beautiful to share. Moments that I will carry for the rest of my life. The next day we went to the orphanage in Rwanda before taking Janet to the airport. I watched her all day. She held it all together, she came up to me at onepoint  during the day and said that some random kid handed her a bracket that was her sisters favorite color. She said she felt her their with her. When it was time to tell the kids bye, she couldn't let go. She knew how it felt to lose someone so she didn't want those kids to feel the same emotions. 

The three hour ride back down the mountain was incredible. It was our little family, me, my friend who traveled with me and my roommates. We all sat on thefront  row and listened to "free willy" while Janet used each of us as a pillow. We just listened to her, we talked, laughed and played questions. When we arrives at the airport, she told us that she wished she could have stayed to see Uganda. It was why she came to Africa. 

Janet boarded the plane and the team knew their was a duty and that was to embrace Uganda like Janet would. Take pictures for her, live it out for her. She couldn't be there for important reasons but there were moments in Uganda that it was like she was there. Worship under the pavilion, I was looking for her. When the showered quit working and the power went out, looking for her. I missed her and she missed us but most importantly she missed her sister. 

So there are moments that I think about how I would deal if something happened while I was gone, but I end those thoughts by thinking of Janet and how she didn't think something was going to happen to her sister, but it did. & Janet took it the best way she could.  

I will be in Uganda within the next 24 hours and I have thought of her almost everyday leading up to this trip. I have not talked to her in a while. But to Jeanet, you are stronger than I ever imagined myself being. You are thought of often and you are with me on this trip. 

I am thankful that Jesus placed her in my room. I am thankful that I can think of her and know her strength. I am still so thankful for that team who became family. I am thankful for the team who is currently heading towards the airport to fly out. I am thankful for the simplicity of Africa. I am ready to be there. && just embrace it. 

Thank you all for reading. I will post of I can while I am gone--if I can't I will were a book when I get home. 

when things come together

I stress out. I stress out a lot sometimes. When things get wild or something big is about to happen, its my go to. Stress. I wish I knew how to stop it. every part of me wants to step back and say 'it doesn't matter, what will be will be,' but come on really. Is that how this works out?

I try to hold things together and I sometimes try to hide my problems. I struggle just like anyone else in the world and just to clear things up. I struggle with where life will end up? I get upset because I do not want to go to school for 2 more years. I get upset about the past even though its so far behind me that I can't find the journal entry I wrote on it. I lose sleep over small things like-- relationships, doubt, worry, fear, friendships, trust. I know that I am a broken person, someone once said "God can't shine through something that isn't broke"-- We are all broken. We are all learning. We may love people and hurt people along the way, but that's how this life works.

You invest all of your time into something or someone not knowing where it will go or how it will get there, but you do know that embracing each moment is far more important than thinking on it. I do not know what tomorrow holds, I do not know what this trip to Uganda, that I leave for in 3 days, will entail, but I do know that I am still Callie. I am still the girl who loves to laugh, who loves her family, who loves peace, who loves to bring people together, who loves the simplicity of a game night, who loves to tell her friends 'I love you', who loves to help people.

But by any means I do not try to act like I have it all together. I cry a lot. I do not pray all the time when I should. I sometimes struggle to have quiet time. I can talk Jesus up and I can write about him in the most beautiful ways possible-- this does not mean that I do not mean what I am saying. This simply means that I am a human and I do struggle. I wait till the last minute to get important things done. I whine. I get bothered when things don't go how I expected them to go. I read blogs and get upset at the idea of these people who seem to have it together and I think 'I will never have it all together', I sin. I look at social media way too much, I sometimes even look at my phone and see what everyone else is doing in the world when I have my best friend sitting in the room right next to me.

So my thoughts on this become: Do people ever really have it all together or is it just a fake covering they put on to seem as if things are together. I am sure there will be moments in my life when I know that where I am is exactly where I'm meant to be, but will there ever be a moment when I have it 'all together?'

Our generation. At least girls in our generation tend to think the second 'that man' walks into your life that things will all come together and life will make so much sense, you can go on adventures, you will love each other everyday, you will have kiddos and you will never argue. Things will be perfect. So some people freeze. They are afraid to live out their single life because they think that things will be better with someone there. So what do we do? We sit and wait......

sidenote:  while I write theses blogs, please know that I am talking to myself in most of the things I say. I look back at old blogs and preach to myself.

Personally, I don't believe in the magical one. I don't believe in soulmates. Sure I believe that there are people out there that are great fit for you. But I believe it all comes down to a choice. Your choice. 

And yes 100% Jesus can close doors and open doors, but I think we've somewhat forgotten the freedom that He gives us. 

My parents have been married 25 years and literally as I write this post, my mother is telling my dad to calm down because he is watching Armageddon, drinking coffee and is way too hyper. He tends to get into the movie, like literally tells the people what to do. && while my parents sit on opposite couches my mom proceeds to try and break that same habit of yelling at the television or laughing obnoxiously, that she's been trying to break for 25 years now, but she then realizes that its who she married. I am sure that she doesn't think this everytime she looks at him. I am sure that she still sometimes worries about what tomorrow will hold, but she has a peace of knowing that my dad- her husband will be there to battle it with her, and it's all simply because she chose him and he chose her. They hit a rough patch once. They almost split and they will be the first to tell you that it was the most difficult time in their life. They were lost, confused and both hurt-- but they still love each other. I was so bitter about certain things that go along with divorce type things, but now looking at them its sweet to hear my dad call my mother his ship mate and to hear my mom jokingly say back 'okay, captain'

Do I think that they have it all together? absouletely not, but they choose everyday when they wake up to help each other through the trials of today and take on tomorrows when they hit. Through 3 kids, who happen to all be girls, working hard, cooking dinner and eating out, through the arguments, through my dads obniouxius laughing at the television and my mothers phone attachment. They still love each other and they chose each other everyday.

Again, to the 16 year old Callie who did not believe in love. I do believe in love. Do I believe that someone will walk into my life and fix every problem I have ever had or will ever have to encounter-- absolutely not, but I do know that my husband will help me carry the weight and it will be an awesome thing. He will love me through my moments of stress and he will know what to say.

But in the meantime. I am going to live my life for me and Jesus. And I want to challenge every girl out there who is single to do the same. Don't live your life everyday hoping to meet the man of your dreams. Wake up everyday saying 'good morning' to the man who created you and is there to be everything you need in a man. 

                         -a dreamer 

about a boy who changed the world

this is a moment when I want to write but I dont know exactly what to say. The world, our community, a precious family lost someone they loved. A young man who was impacting lives even while laying in a hospital bed in Birmingham. His school has been there since the first time they found out about the cancer. His family has been there. The love of the community began to spread like wildfire.

 

I remember the first time I met the sweet boy, it was a couple of years ago, he seemed quiet but he smiled and laughed when people would crack jokes, with this bunch there is a lot of laughter. Which is a beautiful thing. He loved Jeeps, I think its safe to say that the jeep was one of his favorite things in this world. One night I was at my friends house, who happens to be his cousin, and he came pulling in the driveway with everything that could come off the jeep-- off the jeep. He has the music up and I'm pretty sure he was the risk taker who had his leg outside of the door just a little bit. He pulled up and we walked outside, he studied the Jeep that I had for a month and listed everything I could take off, everything I could add. He knew his Jeeps, I thought of that often.

 

throughout all of this, just like many others, I have been at a loss of words. Not sure what to say or when to say-- so I just pray and it hit me one night while I was praying for this sweet boy 'Cody is a warrior. A fighter. He is strong, stronger than most men out there. He fought a monster that was eating at his insides. He didn't have to hit someone to show his stength, he had to lay in a hospital bed isolated to fight his battle' and with just that simple thought I knew that it was something worth admiring and it has been admired by many.

 

His family is one of the best around. Two of his cousins are my best friends. I have been around for a couple of years now. But thoughout this I cannot stop thinking about his parents. His sweet momma, I am sure that when she had Cody 17 years ago, the day that he had his first cry that she didn't know what his life would look like, but she knew that she would love him everyday. She knew that she would hold him when he cried, be there when he got in trouble, be there when he had a bad day, when he had his first heartbreak. She was a momma and she would play the momma roles the best she could and she has done just that. When I read last night on his page "Cody's mother is by his bedside," the book 'I Love You Forever' was a thought. The part that reads:

'a mother held her new baby and slowly rocked him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. And while she held him she sang I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as your living my baby you'll be'

 

I saw this. I saw his sweet momma, holding him singing this song to him. I cannot imagine the complete emptyness that his parents feel at this time, I cannot imagine the saddness that the enitre family feels. I do not know what to say to the two boys who are my best friends. I do not know why this happened or why it was allowed to happen.
 

but what I do know is better than any of the questions, doubt and worry. I do know that at 7am this morning, Cody got to see something that nobody on this earth has seen. Cody, now knows more about Jesus than all of us combined because I know that right now he is rejoicing with him. He looked into the eyes of His creator this morning. He is with him now. Jesus gave him to us for a little while, we do not and will not know why Cody was called home, but we do not that our Jesus is still in control. Our God still loves us all. He still loves this family even though their doubts and questions. Because He is.

 

Some bright morning when this life is over
I'll fly away
To that home on Gods celestial shore
I'll fly away

I'll fly away, oh glory
I'll fly away in the morning
When I die hallelujah by and by
I'll fly away

pump the breaks

If I could sleep I'm sure life would be easier but for some reason when Africa gets closer the hours I need to be sleeping tend to just fade away as I sit awake in the bed, while my best friend snores beside me. All I do is think. What is there to think on? I will be there in 6 days- the thinking should be gone by now. Wrong. 

Along with these trips comes a bit of stress. Of course the beauty of being there outweighs it all, but before you get to the country and even some then, the enemy is trying his best to stop you. I spend time in bed going over scenarios- good ones, bad ones, scary ones and then I think about packing. I use to believe the scariest thing for me was packing. 

I mean I dont want to forget anything because there isn't a Wal Mart in Uganda. I don't want to have too much in a suitcase and have to deal with a weight issue. && the last one-- what about my carryon, will I put my clothes in there. If I don't I could lose them in luggage confusion. It seems really petty but that used to be the main worry. 

Now, here is the new worry- being that this trip I am not going just to be loving on kiddos, I'm going as a coleader. A CO LEADER. It's a tiny bit of a change; simply because I will be in charge of people's lives. I will be leading by example, really--really. Not just saying it at a youth camp, but really it's in my title this time. And not only that, my leader is already in Africa- she went early to spend time with her family over in the country. No biggie, I just have to gather the team in the airport by myself and make sure everyone is there and accounted for. Secret: I'm terrified of airports. I feel like a lost child when I'm on one and then there's the fear of security. I would never have a bomb or drugs on my body, but the second I start putting my shoes in the bucket, immediate fear of the security guard in the corner tackling me only to find a bomb somewhere on me- just replays over and over. && if any of you reading happen to be an airport security-- you guy rock on the intimidation scale.

On top of these dumb fears, I recieved an email from my leader who is already in Uganda telling me that she has hurt herself. She has fallen and broke one foot and fractured the other. She explains that this will not stop her and it sure hasn't, but it's still a bummer to know that both of her feet are hurting while she's in the place that makes her come alive. I've only met this lady one time and it was in Nashville at leadership training, but passionate about Africa is an understatement. Her heart for these trips, her family and life in general is golden. She has leading trips down to a science. Which is a very good thing to learn from.

But real quick---

Jesus, can you please pump the breaks?! You're scaring me. You're taking me completely out of my comfort zone. You are placing me as a leader, quiet Callie who prayed out loud for the very first time in her life only 3 years ago. Now you have me taking a team to Africa, where I left the old Callie behind years ago. You have me taking people who have never left this country. You have me creating a VBS curriculum for 600 kiddos and not only that, but you have me scheduled to stand up on a stage and teach it, you have me praying out loud at the drop of a hat, you have me leading conference calls (that word conference has always sounded way too intimidating) but you have me leading them now? You have me going to another country with people I've never met... to love your people. 

But that's how You do it. This is how You work. I never in a thousand years would have thought the first time I touched African soil that I would be leading a team there. I never thought that You would trust me with that big of a reaponsiblity. But here we are. I leave in 6 days. You hear my doubts, my worries, my questions, my concerns and you listen, even when I repeat them 20 times within an hour, you still listen and then you also hear me when I 'get it'-- you see me when it clicks and the peace that only YOU can give overtakes my wondering mind. I'd like to think that you smile in these moments, because I laugh when they take place, just like I did as I wrote this sentence.

I'm realizing this week that I don't have it figured out. Life in general. I struggle with trying to control certain things and worry about somethings that I have no control over, but You do have it figured out. Not many things in my life in the past three years have turned out like I thought they would, but they are turning out like You knew they would and that's the whole idea behind life. Once I put what Callie wants aside, what You give me is going to be better than anything I ever could have imagined. 

Even though I am still a tiny bit confused as to why I am the one Co leading this trip, I cant help but have an overwhelming peace of knowing it's exactly what you want me to do. Because if you didn't push me-- my bum wouldn't move off of the comfort couch and New Girl would never go off. 

so thank you for pushing. even when I do not want to move. 

This is a picture from my first trip to Africa, this was one of the last days there and just in those two weeks you can tell  difference in my eyes. The life came back to them. Jesus showed me himself in multiple ways. I was still so shy at this point in my life. I was like a baby learning to walk- I was born again in Africa and I was His daughter learning to walk on His path. I have change since this picture was taken. I look at this picture and sometimes giggle because of how much i have grown since this day. I remember this day like yesterday, this moment, the surroundings, the people, the sounds, the kiddos outside of the orphanage looking through the gate, but most importantly I remember feeling loved so much and it wasn't by a boy, it wasn't by a friend or even my family. It was from my Father, who created me and placed me here in Africa to find out just how much he really does love me. 

runners

I guess I put myself in this situation time after time. Growing up when I started having spend the night company in middle school I always tended to bring home the kid who needed love, the 'new kid' or the girl whose parents were going through a divorce. I guess I didn't realize it until I was out of the situation. My mom and I had this conversation a couple of years back-- she said 'I always worried about you growing up because you had friends that wanted to be around you, but you always wanted to include everyone, you brought home the kids that made me nervous as a mother, because I knew they wouldn't be there for long.' But being in the 8th grade you don't think like that. I explained to my mother that I had no clue that I was bringing them home only for them to leave me. I was bringing them home because home was the only place that I knew could help people. It was a place of love, my house has always been like that. My parents have a revolving door and the love in our house feels pure and wholesome. Good food. Good people. We have a large table we all sit at so I would bring people into that thinking that it would start this lifelong relationship. However, a few months later they run to the next group of friends. I would cry for a little bit and then get over it.

Runner: somebody or something that runs, especially an athlete or a horse in a race-

At 21 years old, I can't even begin to count the times that I have ran from situations. I was a professional runner at the age of 16. I would get this really good friend or even the little short term boyfriends I had, I would enjoy being around them so much, but the second they started showing intrest back towards me-- I ran. I couldn't balance it. I got scared so I dashed. No matter what that looked like, I left a trail of course. I would break their heart and run never to talk to them again, only making 5th period awkward for everyone at this point. I have done it since I was young. I can tell you when it started and I can tell you why it started, I was 14. My boyfriend of two years left me for a close friend and my family was going through a crisis of their own. So nothing good was sticking. Everything I knew that was happy, that was pure, the love at the big table was crashing fast. It felt like it was running away from me. So in return I built up concrete walls and put on my tennis shoes to say the least. I started running from everything and everyone that was good.

I usually don't come off as a 'thinker.'  I realize that but I think so much sometimes that I freak myself out. I can watch someone walk down the street and within 4 minutes I have their entire life figured out. I watch people, I learn their mannerisms, I listen to their voice and how it changes. I learn people quick. Its really a blessing and a curse.

From having multiple friends throughtout the past few years walk in and out of my life. I listen to them, I hear their hearts and then when they leave I trace it back. I replay the stories and its just like how I was for a little while-- something is good so they run from it. They run far and fast never hoping to look back, but then one day they do. That's how I was. I had a boyfriend, we only dated for two months. I was 17, I liked this boy a lot. We started 'dating', a week went by and just like that I was running from him. I didn't break up with him- I literally ran. I hid from the situation, dodging him. Then finally I had to do it, so I ended it. Only for us to be the best of friends. He moved off and I remember thinking 'idiot'. Why did I feel the need to run? Why did I run from something that was good? Then like a ton of bricks it hit me---- stop running or nothing is going to stick.

I quit running.

Only now to watch my friends who still do run. They are in their mid twenties, some even older who still lace up their tennis shoes and run fast and far. From watching and listening, I have learned that it stems from watching their parents. From clinging onto people and things that can eventually run from them. As children we grow up watching our parents. They teach us more than we think they do. We are like their little clones upon the earth, whether we realize that or not. What they have done while we were watching we soaked it up like a sponge only to mock it in our future. We watch our parents and say to ourselves that we want to be 'mommies just like my mommy' or we watch our parents and watch their love for one another and then we want to mock what we see, but then what happens when they hit a storm? What happens when dad walks out? What happens when everything we know, out 'superhero' parents are human after all. What happens when we come to that realization?

We [the children] without knowing it, now have psychological things to work through. We worry if we will ever find anyone to love us and actually stick with us. So we do what every person with these doubt would do.. Struggle. We date, we do whatever we can to keep them there, we hang onto promises that were not meant for us. We don't let go of the past, we constantly relive it in our own lives only to damage our future. We get in relationships and the second that we have a thought similar to this one 'this could be the one, I could marry this person'--we lace up our shoes and run.

What makes it happen? Why does it constantly occur? Why do we go through these cycles? Because we are scared-- we are scared about losing someone. Or better yet, we are scared of letting someone in and then leaving us. So instead we resort to taking relationships at face value. We don't appreciate the true beauty in a relationship. We fall short of the pure love stories. 

For myself, the past, for the people I listen to daily or the people I have listened to in the past. We are terrified.  We have let fear and the enemy have too much power.  We can't seem to just lay it down. We hold so tightly that our knuckles are white. But we are holding onto a problem that isn't ours. 

I hung my tennis shoes up when I realized that Jesus won't run from me. That he is going to be there all the time, no matter what. I could scream and cry only for Him to be waiting to give me that peace that only He can. There are situations that make me want to run, but instead of packing the car and going to my spot two hours away-- I simply work through it. I try to at least. I am human & of course I still struggle.

I'm writing this post because I've seen a lot of broken people this past couple of weeks. && I just want people to see their worth. I want you to see the beauty in yourself. I want you to quit running towards something only to shy away when it gets good because it's not fair to the other person. It's too heavy. And Jesus created us to be so much stronger than the things we have seen in our past. He created us to be warriors. To live for Him-- not for our parents, not for their mistakes. Live life and take chances. Don't be afraid of things that may be good simply because you are afraid you will mess it up. Embrace each moment, those moments when you are in the car with someone you love- tell them. && don't hurt people intentionally-- it's not cool. Let people be free. Let people live life. And YOU live YOUR life. Not your parents. 

We are not our parents mistakes. We are who Jesus created us to be and that is something too beautiful to put into words. 

I said 'we' a lot. I'm visiting DC and 'we the people' is all over the place. 

in the next 5 years

While on this adventure I left South Carolina and headed to North Carolina to visit a good friend. He's actually like my big brother, his name is TJ and I met him on my second trip to Africa. Mission trips seem to be the place where I find friends that tend to stick there, no matter what that looks like. 

During my road trip, I found myself thinking a lot about life of course. I mean who wouldn't think about life while they are driving 5 hours in a car alone. But, really it was the such a good break. I prayed, I laughed to myself, I created jokes, I made up games. I have a really funny way of saying Subaru, they are seriously everywhere in those two states, those and kayaks. When I got to TJs I got to meet his sweet momma- she was precious. Southern, tiny and loved to smile. She was so welcoming. I looked around the house and saw pictures of TJs dad who passed away 5 years ago. 

I looked at the pictures and smiled like I knew the man. He seemed to have a heart of gold. His widowed wife still talked about him like he was alive. She would tell stories and just smile. My heart broke for her. Now it was time to meet his sister and her family. She is married and has a 16 & 17 year old. I was nervous to meet them at first because I'm always nervous to meet people at first. I just tend to push through it-- I met them and it was immediate family. I was one of them. We all laughed, ate dinner and then crowded around the tv for 24, it was there weekly thing. They didn't put on a show for me and I liked that. They were real people. With real lives.

The next day was an adventure day, we went to hike a mountain and see a couple of waterfalls- during this trip we went back and forth with question on life. The one that seemed to stick 'where do you see yourself in 5 years?' We were sitting over a small cliff and I got asked the hardest question for me to ever answer. I looked down and thought "I could jump and run away from the question, only to break an arm and think about it while sitting in an ambulance or I could just answer it'-- the question tends to make my mind wonder a bit. It always has.  I answered the question of course with a broad statement of 'be a teacher'. But really my thought process went deeper than that but I pushed it aside as the day went on. 

My couple of days in North Carolina were packed, I felt like a local. I saw downtown. I ate things famous only in the area. I saw where Dale Earndhart lived. I walked around a lake. I hiked a mountain. I had breakfast at the small round table with TJ and his mom. I felt like I was her daughter and he was my brother. Maya Angelo died while I was in town so we saw her house. I saw the rich neighborhood. I saw it all. 

There are a couple of thoughts that I kept having over and over::

'it's funny how Jesus places people who become family in your life'

'where do I wanna be in 5 years'

'How did this sweet lady lose her husband and yet she still smiles'

Those thoughts replayed and replayed. So, I thought about them at night before bed or while we were riding around town. 

Here I was in a complete new place with a dude I met a year ago on a mission trip to Africa. Here I was with my 'big brother.'

Next thought, where do I want to be in 5 years?! Are you joking me?! Am I really supposed to answer that? I got a little bit of an answer, I want to be exactly where Jesus wants me to be. Of course that's the 'quick' answer, but our human brain takes over. I'm not going to go into detail about my next 5 years- it's too sappy. 

Next thought, I've never lost anyone super close to me. I have had friends who have and I never know what to say so I just pray for them. I hug them and I do anything they need- but for some reason I thought of Mrs. Joyce, as she walked out of her bedroom fully dressed with a long necklace and a gold ring dangling from it, I asked what it was and she told me it was her husbands and she smiled. My thoughts that come with this: that's the sweetest thing I've seen. She loved this man so much that she lived her life with him, she gave birth to two children with him there, I heard of a story where he use to pick her up during the meteor showers put her in the truck and take her to a dark field and they would just watch it, she loved him and then she had to watch cancer steal his life. She had to no only cry for herself, but for her kids and grand kids who just lost wamhat seemed to be an incredible man. 

So I'm sure when people asked her at a young age, where do you want to be in 5 years? She never invented for life to unfold the way it did, but she is handling the life she has been given the best way she knows how by loving Jesus and her family so much. They call her Gran and now I call her Gran. Her heart is beautiful and if I have a smidgen of the love that she has for her husband, my husband will be a very lucky man.