When I became a Christian as an adult, I was 19 years old. I was in Uganda and I knew that I felt the Holy Spirit. I knew then that my life was about to do a 180 and it did. I ended an awful relationship I was in for far too long, I started going to church, I changed my music to mainly just Bethel. I prayed more. I tried to teach myself how to have quiet time. I started serving at the church because that is what all the other Christians were doing. I knew that I had found my purpose, it was to serve. I felt like I was called to ministry in some way, so at 19 years old being a fresh - I mean fresh Christian, I already signed myself up to be in full time ministry. I started overcommitting to the church I was a part of - I taught preschool every Sunday. I took pictures during the worship nights. These things were not and are not wrong, but somewhere along the way -
I replaced my works with my relationship.
I knew that I was passionate about Jesus because I surrounded myself with people who were passionate about Jesus. I knew that I was joyful because the people I was around were joyful. But the kicker - I was using others peoples walk with the lord to determine mine.
I knew a few things about myself at the time.
1. Africa was not just a continent, it was my entire heartbeat
2. I did not want a job that did not lead me in the direction of ministry.
3. I loved being busy. Coffee dates, church meetings, outreach, preschool.
4. I never really silenced my mind.
So I was 19/20 running on the fumes of my communities relationship with the lord and I was trying to find my groove as a Christian. I was reborn, this was all supposed to come easy. I was supposed to wake up every single day with a purpose. I was supposed to walk boldly in my calling. I was great at quite time in the mornings when I got up at 11, I would go sit under the tree in the field and read my bible and write. I would top it off with Bob Goffs book Love Does. It was the perfect thing for me, but my day would go on - I would go get coffee, go hang out with friends here and there, start planning fundraisers for my upcoming missions trip and then I would start getting anxious about, "what I was supposed to do with my life." So I would keep busy to try to avoid that question. Mind you, I was a licensed massage therapist, who talked about going back to college for a teaching degree - but instead I was literally frozen because I didn't want to make the wrong move. So I was a freeloader at my parents house for far too long.
I wish that I had a dollar for every time I have gone through this season. Someone told me once that our brains actually create memory lines- so any habit we have it is so hard to break because we are fighting the line our brain created. So for 10 years I have been reliving the same pattern over and over, not every day, not every month - but at least once a year for a couple weeks I do this:
I look back at my life and try to define when I was the happiest.
Mission Trips
Tour
Food Truck
I then contemplate if either of those things brought me true joy or if I liked it because I felt busy.
I then go through 25 different jobs that could maybe fulfill me in some way.
Then I list out every single thing I am passionate about
Then I sit, I stew and I wonder - wow, so what in the actual hell am I supposed to do. So I sit more, I don't do anything, I become lazy and then I chat with a few friends and finally get out of my funk. But not until I make some major quick change.
So tomorrow, I start massaging again. It will be good. It will give me purpose. It will give me income. It will get me out of the house. It will help me break that brain pattern.
What you need to know is that the other day a friend who is basically another version of me, we are truly soul sisters. one in the same. I have never met another human who is so much like me that its kind of wild to see. She told me that we (the type of person we are) tend to find our identity in the closest thing that feels like Jesus, but it is not Jesus. Meaning I, Callie, have put all of my passions into Africa, tour, fundraising, church ministry - but I have skimped out on my relationship with Jesus, like my true one on one relationship. Because somewhere along the way, I was thrown into serving. My husband and I both were. So we are currently rebuilding. We met on the mission field, we have served our entire marriage. And we just were never taught to sit and be poured into.
Heavy, this one is heavy - but its necessary. In order for me to move past my past, which is truly a crap show - then I have to put this down. I have to realize that yes, the lord used me in the season of Africa, tour, all the things - but. I wasn't allowing myself to truly be filled by him. I was being filled by moments, by other peoples passion about the lord. It is a tough wake up call, but necessary. Because I am trying to redefine myself. Trying to tell myself that the mess that my last church caused is not because of the Jesus, it is because people ran the church. And people are messy. I am trying to remind myself that I do not need to have my hands in 5,000 things to feel like I am living out my purpose. Because just being a good christian, a good wife, a good mom, a good worker is more than enough.
I gotta stop romanticizing busyness as my calling.
