A letter from a tired, tired person

some night I feel the need to write, but I have nothing to say. This being one of those nights. I want to say something profound that will make you think about things in life. at least that is the kind of stuff i like reading, but tonight its only 10:23 and I am in bed. I cannot recall the last time I was in the bed this early. I am usually just getting my night started or not planning to call it for at least three more hours, but not tonight. Today my brain quit working at 7pm. I had pizza with the kiddos I am staying with, we played carpet ball and clue. Then about 9:30 we were winding down. It's been a week. I feel like I haven't had three second to breathe and the funny thing is-- everytime I go overseas, I see how powerful their time is. How much they value each minute, each hand shake-- I mean that literally, they will shake your hand for what seems like 4 mintues while they look into your eyes just humming. Its a sign of being in that moment fully. I promise myself everytime I come home that I will slow down and that I will enjoy moments more. Only to come home and get right back to the full fast paced life that I live.

The one where I run here and there and everywhere. The one where I sleep for 6 hours or less because I am 22 and I have previously stated 'you only life once'. Well guess what world, I am tired. I am 22, and I would love to be in bed by 10pm every night. I would also love to blog while I am sitting in bed just like I am at this very moment and next I am going to read for a bit and maybe even fall asleep whle reading my book. I like to be a grandma- it's fun and makes my brain not feel as crazy when I've slept. I enjoy waking up early and drinking coffee in my field. Sure, I want to hang out until wee hours of the morning, but sheesh I can't anymore. I want to write and take pictures of everything. && sometimes I just wanna sit at home and talk to Jesus while I clean and Tony Bennett's record plays in the background. 

Find time for yourself folks. 

finding the good in people

If there is one thing I do not want to do with these posts is offend people. As you have heard me say time and time again, I am human. I have noted on this blog more than enough times that I do fail. My past is something that I touch on often, but it plays a big part in who I am now and who I continue to become each day. With all of this being said-- I am going to touch on two subjects that tend to be ignored often.

Gossip and Judgement
These are two things I have dealt with my entire life. I feel like they are a constant struggle for many people. I use to judge and gossip about people so much. I would judge people for acting differently than I did. As I got older, I realized that the ones who did act differently were the ones who wanted to get out of here and make a difference. This only leading to me judging the ones who didn't. I figured I had grown out of it after graduating, only to start a job where I went right back into the cycle. Except this time it was worse. I was judging and gossiping about everyone-- I needed to know everyones business. I was clueless (still am, really).

It wasn't until I found Jesus, not just on that one trip to Africa, no no it was much later than that. I still struggled with it after that main encounter. It  happened when a friend looked at me in the middle of my rant about someone and said

"wait, will this build this person up or tear this person down?"
"would you say this in front of the person?"

these things use to make me so upset because I never felt like I could vent. I never felt like I could just talk it out. Then I realized awhile later-- that I had a problem. If I felt better after I tore someone else down, I was doing something wrong. I was doing alot of things wrong. I needed to reevaluate. A lot. It had to start with me and with how I perceived a situation with another person. I had to ask myself hard questions. I had to change my prayer. My prayer went from "Jesus, please change this about this person" to "Jesus, let me see them how you see them" -- thats when things get scary.
I didn't think he would do it, but he did. He changed my heart, my view on people, his people.

I've said all of this to get to the idea behind this blog. I just had a very long conversation with a friend about finding the good in people. Okay, so hold on this could be bumpy, but hear me out for just a bit. I teach preschool and I love watching them learn. I love teaching them, but watching them get it is the best part. I watch them while they look up to adults, without any questions asked they trust adults. All you have to do is smile, know their name and ask them to build a house from blocks and you've got them. They love you so quickly and you are now their friend. This is something that I have had the privilege of seeing multiple times. So, I started asking Jesus to allow me to be the same way towards people. To allow me to make friends like the kiddos do.

It took time and practice, honestly. But, I don't really have to search anymore. I just see it. I use to think that the world was a big bunch of messy people (this still remains true) but I have to realize that if Jesus can find the good in me and want to pursue me, why can't I give people the same privilege? I want to see his creation the same way he does. I sometimes imagine him laughing at my attempt to be "nice to a stranger"-- my smile to the homeless man compared to the conversation he would sit down and have with him. I just wanna be more like him- fearless and full of love. He sees the hope we have. I never want to go back to seeing the bad in people before I find the good. He sure doesn't.

guys, there is good in everyone.
sometimes we just have to look a little harder.

Nashville -- you only life once

There are moments in life that you feel like your heart may explode. Moments when you wonder if that moment could be any better? When you feel like your heart could burst because of how excited you are. I had one of those days this past weekend. It all started Saturday morning about 10am. My friend Kasee, whom I wrote about not too long ago, came over to work on things for fundraisers. I could give all of the details, but instead I am going to just jump to the interesting part. Within the hour we were at The Ember Days tour bus picking up three of the guys. The ladies and little babe had their own car and my friends, who also have a band, were coming to pick up the other guys. Kasee and I were headed to Nashville to drop these guys off at their house. 

As the journey started. One thing you have to know about these guys is that half are from New Zealand and half are from America. This called for a wonderful game of questions. We all got to know each other, we laughed, we played our favorite bands and listened to John Mayer for a bit. At some point someone said "whats a road trip without singing along to John Mayer, ey?" As we got into Birmingham-- the guys wanted to stop for coffee. I wasn't really expecting much but a little coffee shop, kind of like Starbucks, what I got blew my mind. It was clean and crisp, if you can even use those words while describing a coffee shop. It had a garage door that was open allowing the fall breeze to fill the coffee shop. It was like you were literally walking into fall.

As our adventure continued there was more getting to know one another, taking pictures of the sunset and a ladies bathroom that had a blanket instead of a door. We arrived in Nashville and had already been invited to their plans for the night-- not sure what our plans were we dropped them off at their place and headed downtown. We both had friends that lived in Nashville, both of which we'd met while on our trips to Africa. We knew that we wanted to see them, but we had no clue where to go. So, we parked the car in a sketchy parking garage paid $5 and started walking towards downtown. We walked for a bit and got to Broadway St.--(this was an adventure within itself) to wait for her friend to pick us up. It was like a movie moment, if you will, we sat on the steps of the Ryman while we waited for the red Jetta to pick us up. The car pulled up in front of the curb and we jumped in. Instantly, I knew this girl and I were kindred spirits. Her car was messy and smelled like a crayon. Her leather jacket and country music was everything opposite of what I expected. She was powerful, you could tell that just by how she greeted the two of us. As we started to get to know one another I learned that she graduated in Social Justice, was currently a nanny and is picking up photography. Her husband was a musician and has a job that brings hope to people in dark places. We drove to midtown where my friend Lindsay, who I wrote about when she visited here recently, met us for dinner. We grabbed a table and talked about how we all knew each other.  Kasee and Lindsay talked about babies (because they are both baby nurses) while Candice and I talked about non-profits. We all talked about boys, bands, and our spontaneous trip.

We decided to stay at Lindsay's house that night and leave early the next morning. Sweet Lindsay took us to the bridge that overlooks the river and the city. We talked about Jesus and how much He showed us His love that random day. We got to Lindsay's house to get the 'grand' tour and then we slept. The next morning, the sunlight shined through the big bay windows and I sat at the bar with two dear friends, coffee and cinnamon rolls. We prayed and then we were on our way home.

The trip home was quiet at first while we processed what all happened in the past 24 hours. Big things and little things. Things like being patted on the back while walking down Broadway, by a stranger. Things like a man walking up randomly to us and saying "you ladies are doing great", A girl driving by -- making a duck face and me waving at her (like an overly excited 4 year old) while shouting I like your bravery. Meeting new friends and seeing old friends. Then we talked about life, we got to know one another better. We shared secrets and laughed about our past. We started talking about past relationships and we drew out where we would be if we were still with them. We thanked Jesus and realize that His timing is perfect in everything.

While we were gone, Kasee didn't have one headache. Kasee got to tell more people her story and got so many more prayers. It's wild to think that if we didn't let Jesus take control of our lives, that trip to Nashville wouldn't have happened. We wouldn't know each other and our lives would be completely different. Its funny what you learn about yourself when you take yourself away from the messy world around you, for just a bit.

I learned that I have more potential then I give myself. I learned that I thrive off of a city. I learned that I also appreciate the country. I learned that I cannot fix things-- but I can be there for people. I learned that I am not afraid to meet a new person. I learned that I am only 22 and I have my entire life ahead of me. I am not perfect. I do not own a planner and I changed my major this past week, I think. I will make mistakes and you will read about them throughout the next few years. As someone said this weekend "you only life once" --

enjoy it. love people. and show Jesus to everyone.

A little reminder

I haven't blogged in a couple of days, this breaks the 31 day challenge. I could put my journal on here, but that wouldn't end well. I've realized this past week how human I actually am. I wish more than anything right now that I could tell you that I havent struggled this past week but it's been a rough one. 

I feel mainly like a tree in the midst of a storm. I know that sounds super spiritual or cheesy even, but really the struggle has been real. There are things crumbling all around me and trying to stand up during them all is a challenge. 

I met new friends recently that remind me of my past. They seriously take me 5 years back when I was a "merch girl"- I get to take pictures and videos, I get to hang out with 'the guys.' I stay up too late, I give my opinion when it's not needed, it's like Im back to the band days, when I was 18-- It's fun. It's one of the simpler things in life right now. Then there are the heavy moments --the ones that help shape me, the ones that make me realize what I'm really here for. 

Moments like the ones where your mom calls you needing to talk, you find out one of your best friends has to have brain surgery, your other best friend is losing a family member to cancer and she's doing it alone. Moments when you realize that your sisters are growing up and they are making choices that can't always be controlled. Moments like (again with ethics) but when I want to stand up in class and scream at my teacher for being so insincere while talking about suicide and abortion. Moments when I want to change my major. 

Then on rides home at night while Ben Rector plays, I realize what is important and what isn't. I realize that I can only be all I can be in that moment. I can be what Jesus intended me to be-- and a mother to all, may not be it. I can be the lover He created me to be. The listener He created me to be. I can be the daughter He created me to be. I can't control what happens tomorrow or next week. However, I can enjoy being 22 while I'm in this year. I can stop mothering everyone because my time will come to be a mom. I can stop worrying about what people will think if I change my major, if I move away or if I go on 40 mission trips a year because this life isn't mine, it's Jesus' and He can do whatever He chooses to do with it. 

I don't know what my life will look like in 5 years. My dream journal is almost full and it's time to start marking things off the list. 

         -sincerely, 

            A hippy who needs to hammock 

a sweet man: pepaw

Tonight was all about Pepaw.

Tonight was the awards banquet for the hospital here in town, pepaw has been working there for 30 years. He asked me to be his date about a month ago. We got all dressed up and arrived at the civic center right just on time. I met all kinds of people, who have watched me grow up and who remember me when I was a "little bitty thing." While we walked to our table I noticed the amount of people pouring in. I saw the smiles and the friendships. They truly seemed to care about their job and they held their positions with pride. As the night went on, I got to people watch more. I watched people pull out chairs for the wives, I watched the jazz band (which was so good), but what I payed most attention to was the amount of people who came up to memaw and pepaw both to say hi. 

Memaw has been there for 42 years and pepaw 30, now-- they seem to know everyone who works at the hospital.  Dinner was served and shortly after the awards started, it was pepaws turn to go up and I watched him walk across the stage with his bright pepaw smile.

As the award show came to a close, pepaw and I walked towards the jazz band to listen to one last song while we waited for momma and memaw to make their rounds. As we met back up with them, a lady gave me a great big hug and said "you are so pretty," I said "thank you" and the next question has replayed over and over "are you as sweet as this man right here?" all I could say in response was "I sure hope to be someday."

This blog would last forever if I went into the many, many, many stories I have with my pepaw. There is a connection between the two of us that can't be put into words. Before I go any further in this, I need you readers to know that my memaw is a gem, she is funny and witty. She loves my pepaw like a wife should love her husband. My Pepaw is a Peters, that is all there is to it. I am not sure how they get it so well, but they do. They know what the meaning of love really is. My grandma and grandaddy had 10 children and raised them right. Tomorrow my grandma, Eddie Lee, would be 100 years old. I still remember the day she passed away. We are a huge family so, we had to go in shifts at the nursing home the night she was passing. It was our turn to go back inside to see her and I remember she kept looking up in a corner of the room and smiling then she would look at all of the family and cry. It was like she was torn between leaving or staying behind because she didn't want to hurt her family. After hours of her fighting my pepaw realized what she was doing so he got down beside her, looked her in the eyes, and he said "momma, its okay to go" and within seconds she left. She taught my pepaw to love, which in turn taught me to love.

I can't begin to tell you just one story simply because a million come rushing to my mind. Stories of the old red truck, stories of midnight snacks while I stayed the night, and Christmas stories are just the surface. I am 22, years old and for 22 years if I've see my pepaw in the yard working, no matter if I am late, I will make my way across the yard to hug him before I leave. He beams with joy when he is around his family. Those front porch rocking chairs hold so many of our sweetest moments. He listens to me and then he gives some of the most simple, yet wise advice anyone could give and sometimes he doesn't say anything he just listens and nods, just like grandma. 

Every time I head to Africa, he says "I'm not going to the airport to tell you bye, I can't do it." He of course goes and I always save his hugs for last because his hugs are so peaceful. He hugs me, gives me the pat on the back and he says through his cracked voice, "I love you, alright that's all I can say." These hugs stick with me throughout the trip because every time I hug one of my kiddos bye, I feel that lump in my throat, (you know the one that causes the cracked voice before you cry) and I am reminded of my sweet Pepaw and I get a glimpse of the love that he has for each of his grand kids. 

Tonight, while I watched him be so kind to his co-workers I realized that he is pepaw, my pepaw no matter where he is on this earth. He is the reason I love the way I do. And that's because he loves like Jesus loves.Tonight was so special for so many reasons, but watching him beam with joy while talking about his three dates was the best part. He loves fully and there is no in-between. He is a simple man with a huge heart and I am thankful that Jesus let me be his granddaughter.  


"I think I am a well respected man and I didn't get here over night it was by kindness and loving people." -while talking about friendships on the front porch

late night rambling.

Being that this is a 31 day writing challenge, not every post will be wonderful. Not every post will make sense. Currently it is 12:24am and I should be entering at least my third hour of sleep, but I am not. Instead, I am sitting on my couch, the fall scented candle is lit, I am under a cover and my cat has figured out a way to play with the computer charger. This leads to him running into me continuously while I try to write this post. It may not be the best one ever written simply because today my brain was all over the place. It went 10,000 miles an hour. Last night I fell asleep watching one of my favorite movies, only to wake up on my couch with all of the lights on, the sun rising and my teeth unbrushed. This lead to be crawling into my bed early this morning in hopes of getting a couple more hours of sleep. A couple hours later I woke up and got dressed for school. I decided to drive the old car we have around here, its a 92. I cranked the car up and took off, she was a bit rusty and shorty after I realized the smell of diesel fuel was pretty strong, this only ends in me going to school smelling like a jet engine.

I walked in bible class and we started talking about the laws of the Old Testament. I wanted to scream to be quite honest with you. I wanted to leave the class, nothing was clicking and nothing was coming together. The class ended and I walked over to Ethics-- only for him to ask "if I am sitting still in my car and I am driving 40mph, how fast am I going?" Guess what the answer is not: 40mph, its actually 1,000mph because that is how fast the earth is moving. Oh, and guess what else--when a molecule isn't being watched it behaves differently that it would if it was being watched. Okay, now that my brain is completely turned to liquid and I have said to myself at least 8 times "how did you ever make it to college" -- class is dismissed.

I leave there only to go shop for a dress to wear to a formal outing I have tomorrow night. I decided to sit at Chick Fil A and eat before shopping. I sat by myself and ate dinner for the first time ever. I got to 'people watch' and not have to explain why I am not making eye contact to the person sitting across from me. I got to just eat and watch people. Then the phone calls started, you know the ones when people start asking you if you will be here or there, or there, or there. I simply said "no" and guess what? I did not have to give an explanation. I got to walk around the mall by myself tonight and I enjoyed it, I had company shortly after and I enjoyed that too. But, I thoroughly enjoyed just sitting by myself, I enjoyed walking around by myself. I use to hate it- hate it. I felt like everyone in the world was looking at me and judging me.

I lived by myself in a city about two hours away from home for a year. It was a year of staying in my apartment and watching Friends, I cooked a bit and I studied sometimes. I would go out, only for my over anxious and insecure self to go back home because someone looked at me weird. I was a different person back then, way different. I lacked a lot of things Jesus was number one and confidence was number two. I learned a lot during that year, but I wish more than anything that I'd known Jesus during that time.

I am not even sure the idea behind this blog, I have thought about at least 4 different things that I could discuss in this post. I just do not know which one to choose. I mean I have 26 days left of this. We will leave this one to me just rambling about this day and about how my brain is tired today. I am tried today, I thought about 75 new things I want to do with my life. I wrote a part of a sitcom. I tried to be social, only for my friends to keep talking super deep. I had to chart out things that were covered in class today. I had to ignore my ethics teacher because that one question he asked 8 different ways only drove me crazy. I tried on so many dresses today that the lady in the store said 'you will be in there for two hours'. I got clothes today that show that I am growing up. I ate by myself for the first time in my life. I grew up a little bit today. I thanked Jesus for little moments and I thought about my sweet friend who is going through something that she never thought she'd go through. This is life, this is a day in my life and if I could write down every thought of my day-- my sitcom would be the perfect mixture of New Girl, Friends, and the movie Love and other Disasters.

I rambled.

                                                 

                                                

& I accidentally spelled Israel -- Isreal (it fit this day)

 

Kasee

She is an inspiration. I remember the first time I met her, well, I say the first time I met her-- the first time I remember meeting her. We were at church. I had seen her in passing, but this time I had to talk to her. So I walked up, introduced myself, and said "hey, lets have lunch this week to talk about Africa."

That lunch changed it all.

We talked and talked about life. We shared stories about our mission trips, we showed pictures, we laughed, and we cried. I remember later that week we had our first hammock date and again, we talked and talked. It was like we'd known each other forever. She has a way of making people feel comfortable and a way of listening to people so well. Her heart is golden and Jesus placed her in my life at the perfect time.

Her name is Kasee.
She is one of the strongest people I know. I laugh as I write some of this stuff because honestly, I can't begin to tell you about our memories. I would have to write a book. I remember telling Kasee about a prayer meeting that we had before leaving on my first trip in 2012. I told her all about a girl who prayed over me and how much the prayer meant. I remembered the prayer perfectly "I feel like God is wanting you to know that when you get to Africa, you are going to hug those little girls and they are going to feel like princesses, your hugs will remind them of their beauty"-- in my head I was going to Africa to play with the little boys. I got to Africa, only to be surrounded by little girls, I never had a little boy the entire trip. I knew that prayer deemed true. I remember telling her all about it and telling her that I had no clue who prayed it, but it meant so much. She looked up at me and said 'I did.' It was real. This friendship was from Jesus and he kept showing us in the funniest ways.

When Kasee and I became friends, we became friends fast. She would stay at my house all the time. She was engaged to her now husband, Higgins, and she was about to start a nursing job. I was working part time so this made for plenty of sleepovers and sleepovers turned into pulling all nighters to watch New Girl. It was magical.

I remember when I asked Kasee to house sit with me. The house was huge and the two boys were pre-teens. They wanted nothing to do with anything besides video games and playing outside. I got lonely in that huge house, quick. She was there minutes after I complained about how lonely I was. That night she sat down beside me and handed me an envelope and just smiled. I looked confused and I think I asked if she was breaking up with me. She of course laughed and told me to open it. It was a little letter asking me to be in her wedding. Her wedding. The most important day of her life she wanted me, someone she'd only known for 3 months, to be in her wedding. Funny thing is, the wedding was 2 months away. We got my dress fitted, my shoes, my earrings, and I was in her wedding.

There are seriously so many special moments with Kasee - so many. I can't list some without crying. She helped me through something I didn't think I would make it through. She reminds me of my beauty at least three times a week with just a text that says 'you're beautiful'. She is there anytime I need her; she is one of the bravest people I know; and I don't say that lightly. She's helped me see things in a different light; she has taught me so much about Jesus.

Recently, Kasee started complaining about headaches that she couldn't shake. It then turned into double vision, facial pain, numbness, nausea, and dizziness. We thought it was from the stress of starting a new job and moving into their new home, but the symptoms got worse. She decided to see a physician here in town which then lead her to seeing several other doctors. There was one doctor who told her it was a cystic tumor, but he basically had no clue how to fix it. She honestly had lost hope. Who wouldn't? Then she was directed to a Neurosurgeon in California who specializes in these types of tumors. This past week she had a phone interview set up with him to talk about her MRI.With no hesitation, he told her he could help her. He told her all about the cyst and explained it to her in such a caring way. He explained that the cyst is pressing against vital areas of the brain that could cause major damage and be detrimental.It is located near the pineal glad, which is in the dead center of her brain. This surgery is almost mandatory.

She told me this while she sat across from me on my couch yesterday.(The night before when we were watching New Girl on Netflix, we would text each other when to hit play and text about it like we were both sitting on the couch at my house watching it together). She sat on the couch and said, "I have to have the surgery. Higgins and I have to fly to California for me to have brain surgery." I listened to her list the seven thousand things she had going on in her mind. She listed things from Higgins having to take off work, to her not wanting to let her boss down, to how will we fly out there, to her family, to her mom, to her sister. She never once said anything about herself. She didn't tell me about how nervous she was or how upset she was. She still had a peace about her. It is a peace straight from Jesus. She said that she knew she would be fine, she was just worried about how everyone else was going to be. This time while sitting on the couch-- we'd switched seats, literally. We have our usual spots on the couch, but they flipped this time. I was the one listening to her talk about the surgery and talk about how her husband and family will deal.  But then at the end of the conversation she said her usual "I'm going to be okay."

She is going to be okay.The doctors know what they are doing. Not only do those doctors know what they are doing, but Jesus, her creator, knows what he is doing and that is the most beautiful part of this mess.

Kasee and Higgins are still waiting to hear back from the insurance company to see what will be covered. However, they know what won't be covered already.  This includes the airfare, hotel, and meals. They will both be out of work. Kasee for at least 3 months and Higgins about 2 weeks. With this page, they are hoping to raise money for this unexpected journey.

Kasee was the first person I ever wrote a blog about, I just never posted it. It is in a book I have at my house, I never really knew why I didn't transfer the pictures and the blog. Maybe, its because Jesus knew that I would have the privilege to write something this special one day.

http://www.gofundme.com/kaseem

To hear their story click below: 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=C_Mym4Fcauk

bravery

As I mentioned yesterday, I'm reading a book called "let's all be brave"-- her story telling is top notch. The book talks about bravery. It talks about doing those things that make you nervous, she's had a few in her life. So far in the book, her biggest was her move to Nashville. She mentions weeping the whole car ride there because her fear of the unknown. 

Her writing style reminds me so much of what I want mine to be like someday. I have realized that writing takes practice just like anything else, the other night I pulled out journals from the past, I laughed while reading them. While listening to how I put sentences together and explained certain things. Now looking at my blogs, I laugh when I compare them to others writing. I know it's a process and I'm glad I'm working on it. 

Back to the book- 

While sitting in my hammock today, of course it's fall outside, I decided to take my book. I've had it for a few months but I haven't had a break to read it due to schoolwork, but today I was going to leisure read. As, i read I learned a couple of things about me:

1. I only really read things that inspire me.

2. I only read things where the author connects with me. (Bob Goff gave me his phone number at the end of Love Does & Annie Downs tells me she will sing the song when she sees me someday) 

While learning these two things, I realize what type of writer I want to be, whether that be blogging, books, magazines, articles- anything. I want to connect to people. I want people to know that I am not a hot shot who has it all together. I will talk about my failures, I will talk about my valleys and my mountains. I will be transparent. 

Again back to the book- 

While reading about this book of bravery I tried to ask myself if I've done anything brave? Have I? This girl is packing up her life and moving to Nashville because God told her to, she has no clue what will happen there, but she goes. It's inspiring, it makes me want to pack my bag and head out. So, again I'm back to the question have I done anything brave? 

I went to Africa. I'd be lying if I told you that I wasn't nervous. My friend almost wasn't able to go and I was about to back out. I was not going by myself. There was no way. (Of course we both got to go) On the plane, his excitement was like a 4 year old on Christmas morning and while I looked out the window holding back tears I said "I can't talk about or I will throw up." I was scared. Even when we landed in Ethopia, I noticed the toilets didn't flush and I was ready to go home. I was not feeling well, I didn't know my team, I wanted my momma and I needed to call her. Shocker: I couldn't go home. My phone didn't work overseas. It was time to get over it. It was time do realize that Jesus placed me here for a reason, no matter what that reason may be. 

Two days later, I wasn't going home. Nobody was making me. Just joking I went home, only for my life to be wrecked and Africa to be a part of my life. 

Was that considered bravery? I'm gonna say yes. Yes. It was bravery to sign up for a trip to go to a place I had only watched documentaries on. Yes. It was bravery that allowed me to put my desires aside and listen to God and learning how he communicates with me. It was bravery when I prayed over someone out loud for the first time, ever. It was bravery when I went without a friend the second trip. It was bravery that I met people with no hesitation and was able to say "I drop prayers like they are hot."

And it was bravery that led me to leadership training, even though I almost wasn't able to go due to my car breaking down and gas money. But I got there and sat in a room full of leaders who were ready to change the world. 

It was bravery when I signed up for the world race. 

It was bravery when I turned it down after being accepted. 

It was bravery when I co-lead a trip to Uganda. 

&& it's bravery that is going to allow me to lead a trip this summer to Uganda. 

There are so many more brave moments that I could list, but these ones listed are a domino effect from that first trip. That first plane ride. I honestly think about that moment every time I board a plane. The one where I say "I can think about it or I will throw up."

 

It's hilarious to see how much Jesus has me, how much he loves me and how brave he makes me. 

I wanna steal Annie's flow and tell you to be brave, tell you to do that one thingthat  you've always dreamt of doing, but let her tell you. Please go buy her book:: it's so beautiful. 

 

a challenge-- 31 days

31 day writing challenge.
Day 2-- http://alifethatisnolongermine.blogspot.com/2014/10/bravery.html

Day 3-- http://alifethatisnolongermine.blogspot.com/2014/10/kasee.html

Day 4-- I wrote one, but I am too chicken to post it.

Day 5-- http://alifethatisnolongermine.blogspot.com/2014/10/late-night-rambling.html

Day 6--

http://alifethatisnolongermine.blogspot.com/2014/10/tonight-was-all-about-pepaw.html

I am not sure how this will turn out, but we will try it. I read in a book once that if you want to be a writer you have to write at least once a day. She mentioned in the book, that she started as a blogger and then pushed herself to write everyday, only leading her to write her book 'Lets All Be Brave," its a beautiful book. I laugh sometimes while reading it because our writing style is a lot alike.

Now to get back on track, My friend Lindsay came to visit about a week ago and she told me all about the 31 day writing challenge. So we told each other we would do it and hold each other accountable for doing them each day. www.thenester.com , a blog she follows, encourages the 31 day writing challenge and she gets an incredible turn out.  I haven't read much of her stuff, but if anyone can challenge people around the world to write the thoughts out for 31 days. I am a fan. I love that this is pushing some people and this is a walk in the park to others. This will be a push for me, but I am ready to take it. I am excited to see what I learn about myself while writing and having to post it everyday for the month of October. I missed yesterday. We will start with October 1.

Day 1

a week ago today, we went to the Rescue Mission, its a homeless shelter here in town. It houses about 75 people, men, women and families. The first time I visited I remember thinking about how much of an orphanage it was like, the place was clean, the people were super friendly, but it was a home for people who didn't have anyone in this world. Who, in societies eyes, have hit the bottom. The realness of this thought is though, we went to take a tour of the shelter about 2 in the afternoon and the rooms were empty. They were all at work. They are trying to change their living situations because I am sure they hate being viewed as 'homeless.'

Last Thursday, we were on the schedule to provide dinner and a small service. During lunch with the man who is the overseer of the outreach program, he asked me to speak at the Rescue Mission. I told him that there was no way. I told him that he could do it or I could find someone else, but he insisted. Seriously, he would not let me say no. He was asking someone who did not pray out loud 2 years before, talking to someone who gets anxiety just looking at the microphone. No way was I going to do this.

Thursday rolled around and my 'message' was written. I am not exactly sure what to call it. It wasn't a sermon and it wasn't necessarily a message. It was just me talking. Throughout the week, I was worried about what to talk on, I didn't want to come in and speak the same message they hear every week and then leave only hoping that they understood it that time. Sure, speaking hope and encouragement into their life is so powerful, but when does the rubber meets the road? When do we stop just standing in front of them speaking on hope and actually let them see the hope in their own lives. While, I prepared, I found myself getting upset because I had a million thoughts and no way to put them on paper. My audience was different this time, I spoke at a woman's retreat once, I talked about my mission trip to Africa, but this time I couldn't just talk about going on mission trips, I couldn't talk about the intense level of poverty. I was having to readjust my mindset, instead of telling people to go love on the less fortunate-- I was speaking to the less fortunate.

The worship set was coming to a close. I sat in the very back and said 'Jesus, you know I can't do this. You know that I can't do this alone." I walked up to the podium, which I promised myself I wouldn't stand behind. Its too intimidating. I placed my bible and notes on the podium and opened us in prayer. My first words were  "Hey, I am Callie and I am nervous"-- I explained to them that I am not a pastor, that I am not a speaker, but that I am a writer. I talked about my blog and then read them something that I wrote, after that it was like an outer body experience. I didn't remember anything. However,  I do know that I mentioned Joseani and how she changed my life, I told them of their worth, but the most important thing I did, was pass out note cards and challenge them.

I had the guys in the back help me, I passed out note cards, pens and told each of them to write down their passions, write down what they think they are on this earth for. I watched them all write, I watched them smile as they wrote, I watched them giggle, some got teary eyed and some would look at me smile and then look back at their card. They wrote their hearts on a note card. After the note cards were filled out, I told them to keep them. I told them it was to remind them of their importance. I read Ephesians 2:10 and expressed to them they are so beautiful in Jesus' eyes.

As I finished up, I apparently was so confident up there that I cued the band to come back up and had a line for prayer. I watched at two women sat at their table and wept. I told them that everyone has a story. I want to hear theirs. I want to know their story. We all should want to know their story.

I walked to one of the ladies at the end of the night and she embraced me in such a loving hug. She told me that I helped her, she talked for a bit and then I had the opportunity to pray for her. I noticed that there was another lady waiting behind her. She hugged me and started crying-- I prayed for her and all she could say was 'thank you.'

That night changed my life. Its funny how things work like that, you go somewhere or do something huge to help people and what happens is they help you more than you can ever imagine helping them. 

Every one of the people in the shelter have a story, they didn't intend on ending up at the homeless shelter, but they did. They are not defined by their living situations.



I have a previous blog about my first time there--  http://alifethatisnolongermine.blogspot.com/2014/05/a-night-with-meaning_23.html