His Beautiful Mess

This blog will be me being honest with myself and with everyone who reads it. I struggle a lot. I struggle daily. Some days are worse than others-- and today was terrible. I was a mess today. I couldn't get my thoughts on the same page, I worried, I doubted, I cried and I wanted to run away. I am not sure why it happened or where it came from, but it hit and it hit hard.

Have you ever felt God pushing you to do something? Something that you aren't sure about. Something that you are literally scared to do? Something that you feel like you can't do until you are ready. But, the trick is, if we waited until we were ready to do things we'd never do anything.

With this being said. I am leading a lot of things this year. I am leading an outreach life group, a mission trip to Uganda, a preschool class and the scariest one of all-- a single girls life group. It will be a time where we come together and pray for one another,  pray for our husbands and encourage each other.

I am excited about it, but I am scared of it. I do not know what I am doing with it. I am not nervous about the trip to Uganda at all or the outreach. However, leading a group of single ladies terrifies me. Why? Because I am not comfortable in being single. I never have been. I have always had someone, always had a 'back up plan', always thought that I would be married by now. Seriously, I wanted to be married by 23. Guess what, not gonna happen. I will be 23 in July. I am single and I still haven't let that settle in yet. I am still holding on to past things and to my back up plans. I can write all day along about how to be single--how to live your life and not wait for that man to come into your life, sweep you off your feet and then you two conquer the world together.  But, the true fact is -- I am scared to move. I am scared to move forward. I am scared to live my life because I don't want to miss out on someone and end up single forever. I don't feel like I will, but if I do, I do. I will surround myself with a bunch of kiddos and my son will slow dance with me in the kitchen while my other sons and daughter dance along. It will be perfect.

Today, I had lunch with a friend that I haven't been able to because of busy schedules. Its been a friendship that I have missed, that I have needed in my life. She has alway helped me through tough chapters in my life. Today, I went to her house not expecting anything but to eat lunch and watch Friends. I sat in the kitchen while she fixed our salad. While she threw in whatever fresh, bright vegetable was in the fridge-- and her daughter shouted from the table to let us know she was done with her hotdog, she asked the question she always does: "so, whats new?"  I always say nothing, but sometimes its like she knows my life. Its wild. Shortly after small talk I found myself talking about how much I just wanted life to be simple. How hard it was for me right now, how I stay so busy because I do not know how to handle just being. I told her about the life groups I would be leading. I told her how nervous I was and I told her that it was something that Jesus wasn't letting me let go of. He was making me push through this fog and lead something for single ladies because we need to be together. As I was explaining my heart, I started crying it was like I was saying all of the right things. She threw in more tomatoes she started crying with me. That's the kind of heart she has, her heart breaks for people. Its obvious through so much. She hurts when people hurt and when tells you that she is praying for you, there is not doubt about it. When she tells you that you have be on her heart, you have and you have been prayed for. Its so special. As we both cried in the kitchen, the salad was being dressed and it was time to eat. We sat down to eat she gave me an analogy, one that I am sure most of you have heard.

I am going to add to it, because I though about it all day.
--Pretend you are home and one day you notice a gift, its wrapped and its sitting in the corner of the room. You look at it confused and you study the box, but your parents tell you not to open it. As the days pass on you still walk past the box wondering what is in it. Wondering when you can open it. Somedays you walk past it and you don't think twice about it and somedays you can't even walk past the box because you want what is inside it so bad. You wait and wait, and finally your parents tell you can open it, years have past at this point, but this day feels special. You open the box and its the thing you have waited for, its exactly what you wanted, exactly. You opened it at the right time. You waited and got it on the perfect day.

This is like Jesus and our (single ladies) husbands. We have a box sitting in a room, wrapped and waiting to be opened -- but we can't yet because we know its too soon. Then Jesus allows us to open the box and its the man of our dreams. Its the man who makes you laugh harder than anyone else in this entire world, its the man who loves Jesus so much it makes your heart stop. Its the man who wants to travel the world with you. Its the man who wants to slow dance in the kitchen with you. Its the man who holds your hand so perfectly. Its the man who tells you you're beautiful. Its the man who  wants a big family with lots of children.  Its the man who loves you for who you are. Its the man who laughs at your dumb jokes and watches sitcoms with you on rainy days, or any day. Its the man who loves your heart because you are after Jesus. Its the man who leads you to Jesus daily. Its the man who is a man.

This is what we would be missing out on if we went ahead and opened the box, this is what I would be missing out on if I tried to be in a relationship right now, because I didn't give myself enough time to just be by myself. I didn't give myself enough time to just be with Jesus.

So instead of being completely bummed out about not being in a relationship. Not having someone to slow dance with. I am going to get over it and remember that someday I will get to open that gift, that Jesus has prepared just for me, just at the right moment. I am going to lead this single ladies, life group because its what Jesus placed on my heart. Do I feel like I am completely ready for it, not at all, but if I waited to be completely ready for things before I did them-- I wouldnt do a thing. 

This life group is called 'His Beautiful Mess," I didn't name it someone else gave it its beautiful name. The description: "We are messes. Single, beautiful, chaotic messes but His masterpiece and that is always enough."  

I am His mess and I am ready to embrace this season, no matter how different it may feel. 

Why I Go- Reason #2 | I love who I am when I am there

Reason #2 Why I Go:

I go because I feel like I am more myself over there than anywhere else in the world.  I mean that in the best way possible. The first time I visited Africa, I wasn't sure what to expect. I mean in my mind, I was going to play soccer with kiddos. What happened changed my life. The second time I was going back in search of that first time feeling. What happened was Jesus only reminding me of what parts of my calling were. My third time I was going into the unfamiliar-- co-leading. What happened grew me as a person and as a leader.

I learn new things about myself every time I am there. For example, I learned how to laughed at myself. As you play soccer with the kids or just go on 'walks' around the village, you learn just how unskilled/slow and weak you truly are. Its nothing you can be upset about, you simply just have to brush it off and carry on. Just a warning: when an African man tells you, 'the team will follow me on this short walk and we will visit a family.' He is actually saying, "the team will follow me on this 2 mile hike up a HUGE mountain, while carrying supplies to take to this family---- while I encourage you the entire time." This is a real story, except he encouraged us while giggling the entire hike up the mountain. There were moments on this hike that I ran out of breath. That I questioned if I would live or die and there was a little kiddo holding my hand the entire time, literally laughing at my panting and frequent breaks. But, I just laughed. I didn't care if this kid was making fun of me. Because when I laughed, he laughed even harder. He couldn't speak English, but we were definitely both laughing at the fact that I -- a muzungu (white American) was struggling to catch my breath.

I learned that I really am not afraid to speak up. Another story: One time I was dancing. Yes, that is a real thing. I dance there. I do not dance anywhere in America, unless it is in my kitchen while I clean, or with my preschool kiddos, or in my car. Maybe I do dance over here. But, that wasn't before that first trip.  Anyways, back to it, I was dancing and I stepped on my own toe and managed to pull my big toenail almost off. I did this. To myself. I still have no clue how it happened, but minutes later I was on the back of a motto and I was heading to a clinic to get it cleaned up. I hobbled in and the leader of the ministry (who was a native) checked me in and we waited for about five minutes. My name was called and I was escorted back to a room, I was told to sit in a chair and place my foot on the the other chair. I went to explain what happened and I learned very, very quickly that these men did not speak English. Only the ministry leader, who spoke broken English. The next thirty minutes were a whirlwind. I raised my voice, I cried and I shouted 'no' every time a needle was mentioned. Long story short, my toenail didn't make it. Even after my bossiness during the visit, it still ended with laughter and the doctors gathering enough words in English to tell me that I had a 'Rwandan heart' (big heart).

I will try to make this story the last one. When I am in Africa I am a prayer warrior. Seriously, I walk around praying. I wake up praying. I go to sleep praying. I prayed while I was hiking up that mountain and laughing. I prayed while my toenail was about to fall off. I prayed during the rope swing adventure into the Nile. I prayed during our van getting stuck in the mud and us all having to climb out of the front seat door. I prayed when I ate mystery meat. I prayed when I got sick. I prayed when there was a bat in our room. I prayed that something would kill the rooster that woke me up every. single. morning at 2am. I prayed when we tucked little girls into their beds. I prayed when I met Joseani for the first time. I pray every single time I step foot on a plane. I pray aloud. I pray to myself and sometimes I pray in the middle of a conversation. It connects me to people, not only does it connect me to people but it connects people to Jesus. It bring us together. I prayed aloud for the first time while I was on my first trip. I was 19. I was shaky and I don't even think I formed any sentences. I was nervous.  I am home now and sometimes I feel like I am praying aloud for the first time, shaky and nervous. But, when I am there nothing stops me. I listen to the spirit. I listen to Him lead me and guide me and I am not afraid.

I find myself wishing that I was like that over here. That I was 'Africa Callie,' when I am home doing the daily routines, but then there are moments when I have to remind myself that I am in charge of that. I can be just as much myself over here as I am over there. I know that I am myself more now than I ever have been in my entire life, but if the person I am over there ever meets the person I am over here. I may implode from excitement.

I go because on that first trip my friend looked at me and said, "I feel like I am seeing a Callie that nobody has ever seen before." I giggled and said, "It's because you are."


I go because I love who I am when I am there.

in the village.

on the hike.

they braided my hair. wore it all day.

made friends with the cat who previously ate a lizard the size of himself--

team: Uganda 

VO Uganda Leaders 

Myself. Elisa. Brittany.

http://www.visitingorphans.org/mission_trips/events/uganda/2015/07-05/uganda-july-2015-leader-giersberg

Why I Go reason number 1: "Choosing Risk Over Regret"

I have not written in awhile.

1. Because school started back
2. Because school started back
3. Because school started back

On the break, I read and didn't really give myself time to write. I took a ton of pictures, and wrote a lot of draft blogs, but did not post many. This is my first one in a bit. So here goes.

As many of you may know, I got the opportunity to co-lead a trip to Uganda last summer. It was one of my favorite experiences so far. However, this summer I will actually get to LEAD a trip-- and whoa. I still don't think its 100% real. I had a meeting last Sunday with people around town who have shown an interest in going. I talked a whole lot, I shared about my past experiences and I cracked a few jokes out of nervousness. I let people ask questions and I actually knew the answers. It felt nice to know what I was talking about and to be passionate about what I was talking about.

As of right now I have 3 sign ups and 3 more coming. I cannot wait to start fundraising and telling every person I pass that I am going to Africa and give them a huge list of fundraising events. I know that I ramble on with the post about Africa sometimes, but its my heart. It's part of my calling and with that being said: here is reason number one why I go.

I go because 'I choose risk over regret' -Marcus, IC Roadie

When I was 15,  I dreamt of being a roadie with a mega non-profit called Invisible Children. I knew that they helped kiddos get an education by building school and providing sponsorship programs. I knew these people had good hearts and the documentary changed my heart. I do not know why I was weeping a the thought of children having to walk miles to sleep in safety or why I was talking about children I'd never met before, but I was. I consumed my life with Invisible Children, I watched videos posted by Roadies who were currently traveling the United States and sharing their days through videos, blogs and pictures. There was one video that I still dig through YouTube to find every now and then, it's by a guy named Marcus. It starts with super indie music, he talks about his experiences and then he ends the video by saying "  I choose risk over regret" ---


It was like I'd just heard my name for the first time. I was done, begin afraid. I was done living in the shadows. I had decided that it was time to take risk, (I never meant crazy, illegal risk-- just risk that helped me grow as a person.) I made a list of things I wanted to do and I added things and took things away whenever I wanted. && Then real life hit.

I was set in my ways. I was a massage therapist, I wanted to live in the big city. I wanted to get married have two kids, be a massage therapist until my husband could support me. (I read this now and laugh) I wanted things that everyone else wanted. I never knew what I wanted. I never chose risk over regret, well I did, but not the good kind of risks. I was sitting at work one day and I was sick of being frozen. I wanted something different so I looked into trips to Uganda, to see those kiddos that I had so easily pushed to the back of my mind. I found a trip and within 2 days I was signed up. It was the first big thing I'd ever done. I was so excited-- and when it fell through, I was devastated. Not only did the trip fall through, not only was I going to mark something off of my list of things to do before I die, but now the one time I chose risk over regret I was left feeling like an idiot.

However, I picked myself back up and looked for another trip. I found Visiting Orphans, asked a best friend and within a week we were both signed up and our first fundraiser was already planned. It was a lot of work, so much in fact that the idea of it actually happening didn't hit me until I was on the plane. It wasn't a good feeling either, I was more nervous in that moment on the plane than I was walking across the stage at graduation in front of 5,000 people. But, I did it. I went to Africa. I went to Uganda. I saw children. I saw schools. I saw water wells. I saw Jesus for the first time in my life. I found my calling. I found who I was. I found best friends. I found a little girl who stole my heart.

I went because I chose risk over regret. I went because Jesus knew that was where I'd find Him. He found me way, way before I even thought about looking for Him. But, the second I found Him, I forgot what it was like not knowing Him. I forgot about my messy past, my heartbreaks, my hurt and I remembered playing ball with a few girls in Africa and literally feeling my walls come down. I remember how my sweet Joseani's hands felt in mine. And its all because I chose the risk of what could happen in Uganda on that first trip, over my past regrets.


Reason #1
Why I Go : I choose risk over regret

Cheryl Strayed- a story worth hearing | Wild-- Spoiler Alert

I told myself I would do more things by myself this year. That sounds absurd to some people, but I am the kind of person who likes doing things by myself at home, where it is comfortable. I have never done anything in public by myself, really.  I've flown by myself,  I've taken road trips by myself, I've been shopping by myself. However, there are two things that I knew I would be so worried to do by myself, those things being see a movie by myself and have a meal (at the restaurant) by myself.

Tonight, I decided to go see the movie. Alone.  I'd be lying if I told you that I walked in there with no fear. I was nervous, sure it's only a movie, but where I live its what everyone does and 'how dare you go alone to the movies.' The only people I know who do it are guys, around here its like a social thing and that, I was afraid of. I walked halfway to the theatre and backed out, I turned around and walked to my car-- only to build myself backup and walk into the theatre. I bought a ticket to see what I've wanted to see for awhile now, "Wild" and walked to my chair. I sat down, knowing that this movie would be good. I also knew that there could potentially be scenes that were unnecessary and scenes that make everyone uncomfortable. But, I knew it would be a story worth hearing.

It changed my life. I know that I say that often in this blog, but I mean it when I say it. I don't know if I will ever forget the film or the emotions that came along with it. I will never forget sitting alone in the theatre not caring about anything in this world, but the story being told on the screen. This woman  lives a life that is worth telling, no doubt about it. She lives a life where her father is an abusive, alcoholic, her mother is an angel and she dreams of being a writer. Her mother leaves her father and loves her children so purely. Shortly after she gets diagnosed with cancer and within a month she is gone, only leaving the sibling in their twenties to figure things out. The main character, Cheryl is married at 22 and divorced shortly after her mother dies. She turns to drugs and puts herself in countless terrible situations. She is lost, not sure where to go or who to turn to because she lost the love of her life, her mother. Of course in this moment in the movie, my heart is breaking because I know this is based on true events. You can see the emptiness in her eyes and as she talks to the counselor you can hear her cries, even through a straight face. This would of course be when she needs to be introduced to Jesus, but she isn't- not in this movie. The story continues, she hits bottom and while in a department store she is intrigued by a book about the Pacific Crest Trail. Not shortly after she is leaving, she is going to hike 1100 miles. As she prepares to go you see her start the journey, and you see her turn around multiple times as if she is backing out, but she pushes through. Throughout the entire movie you are following her on her journey. You see her have flashbacks, you feel the rawness in moments. You see her doubt and feel her pain. You watch her find herself.

And that is the best part of all. Every log book she signs along the trail she leaves a quote to encourage others on the trail or a quote that distinctively describes the moment she is in. It's a wonderful film, the shots are great, the music is wonderful, but the story is the best part. It was special being a part of her journey. I am thankful that she wrote a book and that it is now a movie. This movie is not for everyone, I cringed during some parts because of how graphic it did get, but the end result, while she is standing on the bridge she speaks to my very being. She speaks how I write, or at least how I try to write. In a real moment. She lets us know so much in the last 5 minutes of the movie.

I left the theatre in awe of the beauty in the movie. In awe of the fact that I chose that movie to watch by myself for the first time and in awe of this woman who partially became my hero. She overcame her past by being away from everything- I drove home in silence. I thought about he courage it takes to do such a thing, to dedicate so much of your time to 'finding yourself.' I giggled as I replayed me walking back to my car afraid to go into the theatre alone, simply because I watched her do it on the trail-- except her dedication wasn't for a movie in a theatre, it was for a life changing hike. A hike that lasted 60+days, a hike that helped her get over her mothers death, her divorce and her addictions. She kept saying things that her mother use to say, she said they use to drive her nuts, but now that she is in the wild-- she get it. My favorite:

"There is a sunrise and a sunset every day and you can choose to be there for it. You can put yourself in the way of beauty." 

I'd like to think that the beauty she put herself in front of was the beauty that only Jesus can provide. There is a conversation that she has with God while her mother is dying, she seems to get frustrated and tends to push him out the rest of the time. Moments like those in movies always make me realize just how much I want people to get it. I want people to understand His love for us. I caught myself praying for this woman, who is still alive today and who's story changed my heart in a sense. I am thankful that she had the courage to hike, to write a book and then watch her life be spilled out onto a big screen where everyone can judge her actions-- But, they didn't, they simply allowed her story to be heard. Sure, there are parts that are unnecessary, but it got a point across. I am sure that it showed people that they are not defined by their past. Being that this movie touched my life-- I can only image what it did to the people who have since watching the movie decided to hike the trail, to find themselves. I only hope they find themselves in the beauty, in His beauty.

I am glad that I went to see that movie by myself tonight, I am glad that I decided to come home after and watch interviews and write about this beautiful story. I only hope to someday write something as beautiful as her courageous story.

"How wild it was, to let it be.”

-Cheryl Strayed

a new year | two days late

Its New Years Eve, well technically New Year Day now. You'd think it would feel different. I've only done this 22 times before, the hype, the outfit, the 'big plans for the night' and then there is resolutions. Tonight was going to be the night that we broke away from the usual of staying at the house and doing fireworks with the family. I was actually going to go out of town, I was going to see the ball drop or the beach ball drop, maybe even the peach drop. I wanted to see a big crowd, confetti and lots of happy people to bring in the new year with the people they love.

But,

Here I am sitting in my kitchen making cinnamon rolls for me and my two best friends. After plenty of plans changing we decided to stay here, with my family and do the firework thing. We decided to be around the people who taught me to love, to be around the people who being me joy. I would usually be upset that I wasn't anywhere else in the world-- my mom and sisters left today to go on a retreat so this year it was a small crowd, but a good one nonetheless. We all watched Taylor perform, the ball drop and Ryan Secrest be a gentleman and give his coat to Taylor, ever so effortlessly. Then it was time for us to get ready for the celebration outside. This year, instead of crying, like I usually do right before 12 (simply because I never want to say goodbye to things) I stood in the kitchen with my best friends and talked about the highs and lows of our years. We talked about the highs and lows of the past year-- going to school, finding out independence, going through breakups and figuring out more of who we want to be in this world. We laughed as we reminisced on the past year then gathered in the field with my family to watch the big finale. The countdown started and the fireworks went off-- we shouted Happy New Year, hugged each other then lit the sparklers. I realized tonight while I was standing next to my Pepaw and a best friend who is now family, just how thankful I am to have days like these, moments like these. I won't always have this moment. I needed to stay home tonight, simply because who knows what this year will hold.

As I mentioned earlier I hate saying goodbye to things- I hate saying goodbye to the past year. Saying goodbye to the moments, the laughter, the memories, the tears, the challenges and so many beautiful things in between. && Just to reflect on this past year -- simply because when I read this in 5 years, I want to laugh at how much I have grown. This year started off with me signing up to leave the country for 11 months- I had signed up for the World Race, because I couldn't handle the issues that were carrying over from the year before, so I wanted to run. I didn't. I stayed and co-lead a trip to Uganda, I got baptized in the Nile River, I saw New York, I visited a friend in North Carolina, I helped start an outreach program at church, I taught kiddos, I helped start a media team at church, I became a 'videographer/photographer', I started a blog and kept it going, I met new people, I finished a full semester of school. These are all wonderful things, but with these good things there were also terrible things. I lost a cousin to a car accident, I tried to open a door that was closed, I broke a heart, I was rude to the people who love me, I cried when I said no to the World Race-- I got mad. I was in competition with people, I compared my life to other peoples, I quit having quiet time for awhile,  I didn't know what I wanted in life, I started a semester of school then dropped it, I sat at multiple coffee dates and cried while explaining that I was leaving the state because my past was haunting me, I hurt people, I lied to people, I changed myself for other people, I put expectations on people, I felt the need to get my last point across too many times. Both of these list can both go on-- but I would have to start pulling out old journals. I have learned more this year than I ever have.

With all of this being said yesterday,  I decided to get a tattoo on my wrist. Its simple and dainty-- Its just the outline of a circle. I knew I wanted it small and I knew I wanted it on my wrist. I had previously stated that I wanted a circle. It was right after I watched Pocahontas. When she starts singing, "Colors of the Wind", she says "we are all connected to each other, in a circle, by a hoop that never ends," I actually wrote a blog on that one line in the song. So, yesterday while trying to decide what to get on my wrist the circle kept coming up. I got it and shortly after thought "what did I just do" (p.s. this is what I do after every one I get, its fades shortly after) I showed my family last night and my best fiends today. I got a few giggles when I told them that I got it because of Pocahontas, but I had to ignore them simply because there is absolutely nothing I can do about it at this point. I have tried to think of a thousand different ways to describe why I chose to get the circle, but tonight as I stood around my family and as I wrote down resolutions with my friends I realized that life is a cycle. Things get repeated and moments sometimes seem to never end, people will come into your life and people will walk out. Things will change a thousand times, but life will continue. There are moments this year that I wish could have lasted forever and there are moments that I wanted to never begin, but that's all part of it-- we don't choose which moments will happen, we just have to embrace them and choose how we respond.


2015, here is to you.