Uganda: a different process

Usually when I come home I weep for a couple of days simply because I never know the next time I will see the beautiful people I love overseas. I weep because I never know what to do with everything I've seen. How to process it, how to help fix it and how to go back to 'normal' life. However, this time begin home I feel so much different. I haven't cried- except last night when I was  exhausted. To keep myself awake in the car on the way home, I told my family all about Uganda. I told them about how heart breaking, yet life changing it is. Told them about the culture differences. I talked about somethings so passionately that my throat is sore from it still. I talked about seeing my kids over there and fought my emotions when I talked about one of my girls home life. 

She lives in a Muslim family and her house is the size of my pool house- the only difference is, they don't have any power and there are 10 people living in the home. As I told my family how bad I wanted to bring her out of the situation, to make her my own. I realized that it wouldn't help her. It wouldn't help me and it wouldn't help her family. Sure, I could love her so much, but I could never replace the love of her mother (because you could tell her mother loved her, just by the way she looked at her)-- I could help financially by taking one of the children off their hands. I could give her clothes, a hot shower and electricity. I could bring her to America and give her the best education she could ever get, but that's not what I feel peace about doing. 

The night I dropped her off at home I cried the way back to my hotel because my heart broke. To know that she was in our care for 4 months in America- where I wouldn't let her walk places alone, she couldn't go outside when it was dark, she had three meals a day, she had medicine when she needed it, she showered daily, she had clothes when she needed them, but knowing that at home she had no such luxuries- it's hard. However, I knew she had Jesus and that had to be enough. As I thought about ways to get her, I never felt peace. I've tried to figure out why for a week now -- it wasn't until I was telling my family about her yesterday that it fully clicked. I can't take her because she is the only light to her family, she is the only one who can help them know the truth. She is the only one in her community, which is 85% Muslim, who can help her mother, father and siblings know who our Jesus truly is. 

Does it break my heart to see her living situation? Of course. But do I know that her mother would put her and her sibling before her own life, absolutely. Does it hurt to know that I can't give her a new dress everytime she needs one, yes. But that's the thing about Africa, they don't need those things. What they need is food, shelter, love and Jesus and my sweet girl has those things. She knows her mission since being home, it's been the same since she became a Christian two two years ago. -- be a light to my family. 

She's taught me so much. 

I am forever thankful for her pure heart, her smile, her light that shines no matter where, her beauty, how she holds my hand, and for her commitment to Jesus and to her family. 

UGANDA: heading home

It's weird that I leave tomorrow to head home. I don't know how I will process this trip, I know it will be different than the others because I led a team, saw my kids and saw what seemed to be fifty other places. I know that processing with be hard, but I know that this next season will be good. The season of preparing to move here. I'm not sure what it will look like either. I don't really know what being home will hold, but I know that this trip changed my heart all over again. 

The first two days of being here I remember wanting to be quiet, but I couldn't because I had a team. I was LEADING a team of 12 people who'd never been to Uganda. When people asked me why my personality type chose to lead, I told them it was because I was ready the broken moments. the moments that their hearts break for the country, for the people, and for Jesus. I wanted to help them process their thoughts and emotions and when I didn't know what to say I wanted to encourage them to run to Jesus because I don't know why things happen they way they do here. I don't know how I did- I don't know if I did everything the way I was supposed to do it but I loved every second of leading-- even the moments that I had to take a break to cry in my room because things were too hard. I loves the late night talks, the dinner around a small table, the debrief sessions at night. I loved it all. We made memories and I know that the team will never forget Uganda and I'm thankful for that. 

The second part of the trip I asked our driver, who is also a community developer more questions than ever. I wanted to know about Uganda- the good, the bad and the ugly. I wanted to get raw answers. Why are there so many orphans? Why is it allowed for the dads to just leave? Why do some people wear jeans and some wear skirts? That's just the surface of the questions and he answered every question and when he didn't know the answer he simply let me know. I liked that about him, he wasn't a know it all. Just a smart man. 

The second half of this trip, I've been invited into homes of people I don't remember their names. I stayed at a house in the village without a guard or gate- to say I was nervous about it at first is an understatement. I was NERVOUS. But I got over it because Brenda was sharing a bed with me and she's strong. 

I was in another village after dark, that was mostly Muslim visiting Asia and Christopher- again nervous, but not too much because they knew their way around. 

I've walked more here than ever before in my life. We walked from the guest house to the restaurant about a mile up the street, I walked around a village today that had houses for orphans and their own way of farming. I walked on the equator. I walked up a semi mountain after looking at tomato plants and cut my foot on grass-- how that happens? No one knows. I walked around the slums of Kampala. I walked around a baby cottage. I walked through supermarkets. I walked in the mall. I walked to to buy water. I walked in the water to be a part of a baptism service. I walked on a boat. I walked to a boda-boda. I walked a lot of places and with every place I walked I learned something new. I saw new things and I met new people. And my feet got dirty, so dirty. 

Uganda, I am forever thankful for you. I am forever both in love and confused by you and I am ready to be here. 

&& that's a wrap. 

Uganda: it's hard to process

I will be home a week from today. I am ready, ready because my heart needs to process the 100 places I've seen while being here. I am ready because I'm ready to process tour, process saying bye to all the babies. Ready because I want to tell my momma all of my tour stories and my daddy all of the stories of how men are in this country. I'm ready to see my sisters and tell them about the kids I've held, and tell my Memaw and Pepaw about the landscape and the kids who love every second of life. I'm ready to hold my cat, to watch Netflix, to sleep and to drive my car. 

As I prepare my heart to leave this country I am excited to be home because then I get to raise support to move here. I am ready for that chapter -- no matter what it looks like. I am ready to find my nitch here and run full force until it's taken care of. I'm ready to hug kids everyday and tell them they are important. 

Today we served with Sole Hope and my blog from last year still stands true. Washing those babies feet will change your heart. Here I am a 23 year old, who has missed half of a toenail since I was in the 6th grade, still self concious about it washing feet of kids who don't have shoes. My senior year in high school I was told that I wouldn't be able to wear open toed shoes with confidence to prom and I broke down. In my mind it was the worst day. But, today as I wore opened toed shoes, still with only half of a toenail-- I washed those kids feet, that  were raw on the bottom and jiggers had formed their way between their nailbeds and toenails. I was amazed at how life changes people. How life changed me. Here I am caring more about cleaning between their toes and praying for each foot before they got jiggers pricked from their heels, than how many people looked at my toenail. 

I'm ready to live here to put myself aside daily, to serve until I can't anymore. And to go to bed crying because my body hurts so much. My posture has gotten worse on this trip, my knee has popped out and my feet have gotten dirty. But I'm still ready. Ready for whatever 

it may be. 

Uganda: Day ---

I had to take my last post down because I shared too much about a ministry. Two days go by team left to head home, it was emotional a tiny bit. You'd think byes would get easier, but they never do. I met up with Darya and her mom and we headed to our guest house. Our shower shocks us here and they lost their luggage. I thought it was a very appropriate Ugandan welcome. On the way to the village the next day our bus driver decided to get his van washed and we were behind schedule, again another warm welcome to Uganda. 

We arrived at the village and went to the pastors house, the nicest house in the village but what Americans would consider partially homeless- no running water, kitchen outside and the power flickered sometimes. As we visited I knew it was getting closer to seeing Brenda N. and Martin, I rested on the couch then woke up to what seemed to be 100 children outside the door just stopping by to welcome the muzungus to the village. I went outside to say hello, only getting more anxious to see our kids! 

We finally loaded up and headed to Brenda's home to pick her up for a sleepover, we got out of the van and started looking around when out of the coroner of my eye I saw a bright orange shirt running full force my way. It was Brenda was her bright smile and tears in her eyes she welcomed us to her village, she showed us her school, then showed us her bedroom. 

Next it was martins turn, he ran up and greeted us. We were officially in Uganda with our kids-- they'd grown a few more inches and looked happy, so happy. We headed back to the village and ended up staying at the pastors house. I of course, was scared for awhile and then got over it because it as my official welcome to Uganda. That night we played uno, talked about America, drank hot tea and had Ugandan cupcakes while waiting for dinner to be served. 

Right as we started our 5th game of uno we heard worship coming from outside the window and Darya and I wanted to join, so Brenda led us outside. The kids who live in the orphanage, had started their own worship service. We knew the songs all thanks to Mwangaza and after they finished we wanted to do a couple more so Darya led one, I led one and then Brenda led one- as I watched her lead worship to a group of orphans that she considers family, I held back tears because this is what tour did. This is what tour does, what ministry does- it raises youth to be leaders and that's exactly what she is. A leader, a strong and powerful leader. 

Last night staying in the village I was uneasy, but knowing that Brenda N was in a bed beside me I had a peace of knowing that everything was going to be okay. I woke up this morning to her arm wrapped around me and her face pressed into my back. I have missed her cuddles. We got dressed, had breakfast and headed to meet Loyce and Wilber. We ran to them instead of them running to us this time, Wilber wouldn't let me go and right after I met his dad, we did our special walk that we always do. We loaded into the van and shouted 'RED VAN' for old times sake. We were able to have lunch together and then it was time to say our byes... Again. 

This time saying bye was different, it wasn't as hard as the first time. The first time saying bye literally felt like my heart stopped beating. The first time was a honest moment of heartbreak, knowing that those moments of tour would never come back-- but this time we were  stronger. We were all stronger, there weren't many tears this time just bright smiles saying "I will see you soon" -- I was told by all 4 that they expect to see me when I move over here. They are strong kids, such strong kids and knowing that they are loved and cared for makes my heart rest easier. 

This past month has been nothing but transition after transition. It's been good, but sometimes I just want to take a break- Uganda is overwhelming within itself, but on top of saying bye to my kids, gaining more family (my team), saying bye to them and then joining other family (Darya/ARM) my heart is full, so full and yet so confused. 

I miss my kids, my miss my team, I miss leading, I miss cuddling with my kids at night, I miss my momma, I miss my cat, i miss my friends, I miss my family, I miss people I met last week, I miss someone who makes me laugh all the time, I miss driving, I miss jeans, I miss clean hair and perfume- but I know that in two weeks I am going to miss this. This moment right now of sitting on a tile floor in Uganda, while the bats makes their bat noises outside, I am going to miss the chaos of riding down the street, I am going to miss my bug spray smell and brushing my teeth with a bottle of water. I am always going to miss those kids and I will always miss my team. Each thing changed me and I am thankful for that. 

Thank you Jesus for this season, thank you for loving me and thank you for opening my eyes to things that are 'overwhelming' -- I can only imagine what you think when you look around this country. 

A country of beautiful people who get it. 

Uganda: Day (I'm behind)

I just tied a knot over a hole in my mosquito net. I lost my ankles due to swollen feet. I sleep with a flashlight on. The only perfume smell I have is bug spray, it has a dual purpose. I have brushed my teeth using bottled water due to dirty sink water. My hair is messy, always and my face is oily constantly. I have red dirt caked on my skin, even after my shower- which are freezing. The festival down the street has been going on for 6 days now, non stop. The dogs bark in the middle of the night, I choose that over roosters in the morning. I have been shocked multiple times, twice by the shower and the other five while making toast this morning. I have a sleeping bag but it's too hot to get into. I wanted to sleep on the couch but that's not a real request in Uganda-- all thanks to bugs. I washed some of my clothes in the bathroom sink. The team has talked about how the colors of their boogers have changed because of the dirt outside and today we talked about boys, because we are a team of 11 girls and one guy. 

I started this blog in Jinja and now we are in Kampala. Our last couple of days in Jinja were a ton of "TIA" (this is Africa) moments-- the day we were scheduled to visit a baby cottage there was a mix up, only leaving me in a tiny panic. My Ugandan phone helped me get things sorted out and we headed back to the guest house for lunch. I cried in my room while the team warmed lunch. I cried because I just let down three young girls who were ready to love on babies, I let down a team that had three giant bags of donations ready to give away. I felt defeated and I finally let out more tears for my kids that I miss daily. When I tell you this team is a family, I mean that in every sense. They know how to apply grace to schedule mix ups and they know how to laugh when I want to cry. 

After lunch we headed back to the outreach house (not on the schedule)-- still feeling a little defeated I pushed through knowing that we were going there for a reason, whatever that looked like. The team pulled out the bubbles, the soccer balls and I played hide and seek with a little boy who looked to be about two. After catching him and having a tickle fight I sat under the tree and watched the soccer game-- I felt a little hand touch my shoulder then sit beside me, he sat beside me in silence for twenty minutes. He laid his head on my lap and looked up to giggle multiple times. I'd like to think that Jesus placed that boy in my life in that moment to show me that His love is bigger than anything I can comprehend. That even when I am defeated, He is still strong and still showing himself in everything- even a two year old that had on tattered clothes.

That afternoon we went shopping on Main Street, these girls know how to shop. I felt like a body guard for most of the time downtown. I watched them as they walked into shops empty handed and walked out with bags of things. As the girls shopped, I met people. I met a muzungu, who knew Mwangaza (choir) and knew a friends from South Carolina. That's when you realize how small the world really is, when you meet someone in Jinja who knows people you know.

Sunday was a very long day- we were able to go to the baby cottage after church, it was a western type service, but it was outside and it was in Uganda so those are good things, always. We arrived at the baby cottage and had to walk awhile down the street to get to the house. There were so many babies. They had a new baby named Autumn, who was just two weeks old, and then there were Oscar and Faith. These two stole pieces of my heart, through Oscars bright smile and Faiths giggle I knew we were there on the right day.  As we left my girls were upset, which is normal when you have to leave orphaned babies. Their hearts are giant and I am thankful for every tear they have let out and for every hard conversation I have been apart of. 

We left Jinja and headed to Kampala, which was a three hour drive and multiple 'jams' (traffic). We stopped at a gas station for a bathroom break and I bought mango suckers for the team. I was riding in a van with a team who was family, eating a mango sucker and looking at a country that I partially call home. Jinja was a great welcome to Uganda for the team. We have been in Kampala for two days now, tomorrow is our last day serving together as a team. 

I have to write about Kampala, but wifi goes out and the stories from here are hard. We are working with child prisons and breakdowns on the team happen more times than not. Each night we do debrief and tonight's wasn't easy. More stories coming tomorrow. I'm sorry for the break in blogs, I blame our wifi and partially my exhaustion. 

Uganda: Day 3

Today was Africa. 100% Africa. Today was a 'rest day' so we decided to sleep in and try to go to the agricultural festival in town, it's here for a week so you can imagine the crowd. There were at least 100 schools trying to get into the gate at the same time that the vehicles were trying to drive down the dirt road. As we walked in I assigned buddies and had walkie talkies at the front of the line and the back and Rodgers, our fearless tour guide, tried to squeeze us into the gate. However, with the heat from the exhaust mixing with the ice cream truck screeching noise and the man who had chickens tied by their feet on his bike, I knew one thing for sure, this wouldn't last long. After standing around for 15 mins trying to get in, I told Rodgers that it was okay to go back to the guest house. I had one girl out of water, one girl on the verge of a panic attack and one girl I had to 'protect' from begin hit on by a passerby. It was time to go, we walked towards the van only feeling like we were getting more attention than the festival itself. We piled into out little van and waited for the windows to be open (this process takes awhile) as the driver turned the key, we realized that our van wouldn't crank, this only meaning we had to be pushed by multiple people downhill to get it started. We cranked it up and rolled down a little bit more only for it to turn off one more time. We finally got it cranked and headed to our guest house. I was overwhelmed, overwhelmed because of the amount of people I'd just seen in a tiny area, overwhelmed because I just put my team through a real African experience and I wasn't sure if they were ready for that. We arrived back at the house and during lunch I looked up at their smiles, still bright and ready and I knew that they were okay. I knew that they were okay with the adventure, okay with knowing that I had no control of the situation early in the day. As we finished lunch and the clean up crew cleaned the plates -- I walked around to get everyone ready for the next 'adventure'--

We headed to the pool, that was exciting. I got to see my friend that I met last year and the kids that she watches during the day. The team swam, some decided to rest and some sun bathed. We didn't stay at the pool long because we had a boat to catch at 4. Rodgers walked us to where the van is supposed to be, mind you-- I am wearing shorts because we are about to get on the boat and that allowed there. So, I walked down the road in a village in my shorts, I couldn't have felt more embarrassed. We arrived at the boat after walking down a little alley that was a small slum. Getting into the boat was another Africa moment because the weight distribution wasn't even on each side, so we had a lean going on for the first little bit. The boat took off and I knew that this was life, this was my life. Here I was on the other side of the world with a group of people who looked at me for answers. We had a long tour, our guide was nice and he let me do my favorite thing ever. 

He pulled over for us to have a baptism service. I shook as I got out of the boat to start the ceremony. We turned on 'Forever,' I prayed and TJ jumped in the water and helped me down into the waste deep, cold water. At first, I knew I was only baptizing three people, but by the end of it I had the opportunity to baptize 7 of the 12 team members. As I was standing in the water looking up at the team, who trusted me in this, looking over at my best friend who has watched me grow for the past three years-- I couldn't have felt more love. Love from Jesus. He showed me Himself in a new way today, just like He does eveytime I'm here. I am thankful for Him. I am thankful that He loves me and that He chose me to lead this team, to hear these people's stories and to watch this team become a family. 

As we headed back I knew that the hut we just had a service in front of would not be forgotten by any of us, for quite some time. Neither would the fishing village that we had seen just before. The village that broke my heart all over again. I told the team I wear sunglasses for a couple of reasons. Number 1: my eyes are sensitive. Number 2: so I can hide the random tears I have while being here. Today while walking around the fish village and holding a little girls hand I had them on because of number 2. I saw a lot today, my heart was pulled a bunch of different ways today and for all of that I am thankful.

This team is incredible. Their hearts are so pure and so raw. Today when they got baptized they each came up with such excited faces, faces that I will never forget. 

Uganda: day 2

My knee popped out of place today and the second it did I knew it was from the enemy. As I collapsed into a bucket of shoes I shouted "my knee" only for the kids around me to echo "her knee, her knee." Tears filled my eyes for multiple reasons, I was embarrassed that I was there to help them try on shoes and they ended up helping me stand up. I knew the pain over the next couple of hours would be intense, only getting worse over night. I knew I didn't have a crutch and if I had one I still wouldn't use it. I called TJ (our guy on the team, who is my big brother- always). He walked over and escorted me to the van while I cried. I sat down looked out the window at the team, working so hard to help in whatever way that looked like- washing feet, taking footnotes and helping the kids try on shoes. I elevated my knew for 5 minutes, took medicine and knew I had to get back out there- I would just have those switch jobs,which I didn't want to do because I loved watching their faces light up when they put their new shoes on. I walked around for a bit and checked on the team, everyone was doing good with snacks, taking breaks when needed and drinking plenty of water like I'd warned them. However, I couldn't prepare them for the raw emotions they would feel. The moment that we run out of a kids shoe size and you have to tell him we will come back with more next week. I couldn't warn them about that baby's face of disappointment. I couldn't warn them about the elders with special needs that get abandoned from their families. I couldn't warn them about the amount of jiggers that each person had in their feet. I could just comfort them in their moments of processing. 

To say that today was a hard day would be putting it lightly, today was one of the hardest days. I watched as each of my team members had their "Africa moments" -- as the leader of this team I feel the need to not cry, to hold in tears. But eveytime they had tears mine came, they were just hidden by sunglasses and a soft smile, while I rubbed their back. 

Tonight during devotion walls were broken down. This family is growing closer as the days pass on. Tonight the team prayed of each other. I've never felt the holy spirt on a trip like I did tonight, knowing he was there in our dark bed room only lit up by flashlights. This team is strong, so strong and spirit lead. I am thankful for each heart here. I am thankful for their "yes" and I am thankful for their hearts to serve. 

I also saw a girl who was 13. She reminded me so much of one of my girls- Brenda N. they are from the same tribe. Which brought up all sorts of emotions. I told her about Brenda, she seemed to like her even though she'd never met her.