thankful for my place

You would think that only being away for 6 months would make things easy to jump back into, but they aren't. It's not easy, maybe because of all of the things I've seen while being gone, maybe its just part of life.

The person I was before tour and the person I am now are two different people. I am thankful for both. I mean before I left for tour, I had myself in every single thing possible. I taught preschool, I ran an outreach program, I served on the media team and I was at the church every day of the week. I only caught sermons once a month, if that. I was giving and giving and not allowing myself to be poured back into. I was running from things that I simply didn't want to face, until I met a lady who helped. She listened to me, she gave me an her time and listened to me cry while I talked about all of the 75,000 things I was overwhelmed with that week. She prayed for me and she lifted me up and pushed me to do things for myself, to do things for the Lord no matter how big or small.

I remember 3 weeks before I left, I went into her office and told her about my family hosting a children's choir and right after they left I was going to Birmingham to look for jobs and apartments with my best friend. I told her how ready I was to move, to see new things, to learn life. What I didn't know was that our next meeting would be me sitting across from her telling her that Jordan, my best friend, couldn't move to Birmingham and the job I was offered wasnt a good option for me. I told her about the choir offering me the job to tour with them and her one question was, "well whats holding you back?" I gave her a list of obligations I had at my church, at school and my family.

Then I did it. I made the commitment to tour, not sure what that meant or what that looked like. I committed to going. I quit my classes, I gave my jobs at church to people I trusted and I left. I cried the night before I left and thought about backing out, but I went and today I miss the kids more than anything. I catch myself wondering what my life would be like if I wouldn't have said 'yes' to tour. Those aren't fun thoughts, they are thoughts that scare me. I would still be running. It would be just me hiding behind a smile, It would be me trying to hold it all together when in all reality I was suffering. I was dry.

Yet, here I am 6 months later sitting on my couch on a Sunday afternoon. I don't have the tv on because I wanted to write, my cat is looking for squirrels outside the window and I have fresh popcorn. I am not perfect now, I never will be. I am not a better person now because I said 'yes' to moving to another country. I am still trying to find my place. It just looks differently.  Instead of running around all the time and having a to-do list each week, I am now trying to focus on relationships. While also trying to find my place back at church. I am trying to spend quality time with as many people as I can each week and still serve the community. I am not running anymore. I am here and its a weird place to be, but such a good place. Its me taking baby steps all over again.

So today as I sat in church and listened to my Pastor speak. I listened to him pour his heart out on a sermon about resting your soul in the presence of Jesus. I cried as he closed because thats still me, I may not be a busy with a million things going on at the church, but Im busy with my thoughts. My doubts, my what ifs, my late nights where I create a list of what I am going to pack. However, today when I found myself crying it was because that man sees so much in me, I remember when I told him I was going to Africa on my second trip. His exact words were, "that what I like about you Callie, you're a shotgun, you aim. fire. shoot. -- you don't waste time." Since that day I knew that he saw things in me that I didn't see in myself. I love his family more than I care to admit.  Saying bye to them before tour was hard, but knowing that Pastor Stacy was basically reading my journal this morning made me realize how hard its going to be to say bye in March. When I called him to tell him I was moving, all he could say was how proud of me he was, how thankful he was for me and how much I would be missed.

In my moments today when the enemy tried to tell me that I didn't have a place at church. I knew I had a place and it was on that front row sitting right next to my pastors 13 year old daughter and smiling from ear to ear as I listened to my pastor remind me that, in the moments when nothing else seems to settle, its time to take time just to reflect on Gods goodness.

I am thankful for my place.

trying to gather words

I've not written much since being home. Im not sure how. I am still trying to process everything that happened in my life in the past 5 months. I am realizing that I am going to miss my kids every single day for the rest of my life. I am realizing that no matter where I am, I am going to feel like a fish out of water until I am in Uganda again. I am realizing that being an introvert isn't a bad thing, but I still have to talk to people. No matter how hard that truly is sometimes. I have to be intentional because that is one thing being in Uganda taught me, you have to be intentional or you're just another person talking to a crowd.

Last night, I announced to a crowd for the first time that I was moving. It was to the youth group at my church. I had an entire speech prepared. I was going to read this journal entry, say this part really passionately-- smile here and stop speaking here. During worship, Jesus changed my talk. He told me to leave the notebook behind, to be confident in knowing that He had me. As I walked up to the stage, with nothing in my hand. I looked to the crowd, not sure how it would go. I told them that my heart was racing, I was shaky and my palms were sweaty but that I was up there allowing Jesus to speak through me. I was being a voice for the voiceless, I am fighting for the child who doesn't have parents, I am speaking up for the ones who don't have love.  I don't remember anything after that. But, I announced that I was moving and I was not sure what that would look like.

I still don't know what that will look like and I'm excited about that. I know my title, I know the mission, but the frame it will take is still unknown. I think it will still be unknown even while we are living in Uganda. Thats what Africa is I am learning, a lot of being busy- a lot of learning new things daily and a lot of uncertanity, but one things stands certain and thats the fact that Jesus is what you have.

When I miss home, when I want to cry, when things don't make sense, when I miss Chick- Fil-A, when I miss family nights at home, when I miss dancing in the kitchen with my sisters, when I miss my best friends wedding and potentially my sisters graduation. When I am so tired that I don't want to move another muscle-- I will know that Jesus is all I have. That Jesus is there with me.

Over the past two weeks, spiritual warfare has been a real thing. If its not being temped by things of my past then its terrible nightmares. If its not the nightmares its me waiting for something bad to happen. Thats what the enemy wants right now, he wants me living in fear waiting for bad things to happen-- he wants me to believe the lie that I am not worthy enough to be a missionary. That I am not cut out to move to Africa, I am not strong enough.

But then in a small voice Jesus says, you are worthy because you are my daughter. He speaks to me in sermons that only tell me that I am not my last sin, that  I am not defined by my past and that Jesus sees me as a new treasure everyday. Jesus loves me and He is calling me to this, He loves me enough that on the moments that I don't want to get out of bed because I don't want to fight the enemy that day- He gives me the strength to push through the fog and pray before my feet hit the floor.

I could not be in this season without Jesus, I could not be here without Him. I couldn't have sat at a coffee date with a girl I haven't seen since I was in high school and told her all about my journey-- without Him. This season will not be easy, it may be harder than Uganda, who knows. But I can't give up. I can't lay in my bed hoping for the day to pass because it gets me closer to moving.  I have to be a missionary here, just as much as I do there.

I am thankful for this season, no matter what it entails.
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