putting down the brush

Can I just quit now? Can I throw in the flag? Tap out? Please. What do I have to do to get out of this rut? Why can't I just open my bible read a special verse and it all be better? Why can't I just pray that special prayer and things change immediately? 

Because I've lost hope. Since I was a child, I've had a numerous amount of people come into my life and not shortly after leave. They left for whatever reasons were necessary. I've always felt replaceable, I've never, ever felt good enough. 

Until, I went to Africa. Those kids wanted me, they only wanted me. They saw me as Callie, the one who would run in the field and spin them around. They saw me as the one who would hold their hand every second of the day. They heard me say "I love you" and in return they would say it back. They knew I had no hidden agenda, It was just me. 

Before I left for Africa the first time, I wasn't a Christian. I've tried to tell myself I was, but I wasn't really. I just tried to make myself feel better. But when I got to Africa- the walls I'd built up for years started coming down. I can remember the first time in my entire life I felt completely free, I was in a field in Rwanda. I had taken my girls out to the swingset in the middle of the cow pasture; as I pushed them on the swingset, a little girl, Maria, walked up and asked me to hold her. I decided that I would spin her around- her dress was tattered and her face was dirty, so I gently scooped her up and we started spinning. As we went round and round her shoes began flying off, her face brighten and she was just as free as me in that moment. I've spent awhile trying to get that feeling back. 

I've spent the past two years running after something that wasn't mine to begin with. A dream. A dream that was given to me before I believed in JC. A dream to visit Africa, a dream to build schools, a dream to fight for their education. A dream to do it, just live it out and go for it. 

But here I sit on my swing, after my nanny job and I seriously just sit. I don't have an agenda for today, I'm not doing anything to accomplish that dream that was given to me. Probably because I've not given it back to Him. He gave it, so I'm grasping onto it so tightly that my knuckles are white. I'm not letting Him have it because I know how it feels to lose things, to lose people. To have someone in your life that is incredible. You don't think anything in this world could be better than spending time wih that person (friend or relationship) and then it's ripped from you and within minutes everything that feels comfortable changes. 

So no I haven't given my dream to Him simply because I'm afraid that He will keep it, that He will take it and never give it back. 

This blog name is a lie, I thought that I was living a life that's no longer mine but realistically I'm holding onto things so I can make it look the way I want it to look. 

I'm sorry that this blog is deep, I am a Christian. I love Jesus with my whole heart, but right now I'm not feeling Him and that's because of me. I'm not letting go of this image I have painted for my life. 

I'm currently putting down the paint brush. 

adoption

I babysit on Mondays & Tuesdays, he is a fresh baby-- we have tummy time, he giggles, he likes to swing and he loves his momma. His eyes seem to brighten when his momma walks in the room. She cuts hair at her house so she is just a room over and comes to visit often. I hear his momma say things to him that are said with such a rich love. She says things like "I don't know what I was before you", "your momma and daddy's big man." She glows while she gently holds him and kisses him all over. 

When I got back from my last trip to Uganda, I had one little girl in mind-- Grace. As I drove to work that morning knowing that I would be holding a sweet, healthy baby boy my heart longed so much to be picking up sweet Grace. I sat down on the couch at the house, grabbed the sweet baby boy and started crying. Not knowing why I was crying, I looked into his eyes, that we're so bright, and I said you are loved so much, you are such a blessed tiny one and your mommy & daddy love you so much. It's obvious in how they glow when they mention him in a statement. His momma sat down beside me on the couch and said "tell me all about it" and the only thing I could tell her about was Grace and how badly I wish I were holding her this very second. 

I am not a mother, I am not an aunt, I am a nanny and a preschool teacher. I love children, it's part of me. I have never loved a child like a parent loves their child, there is no way, a part of me thinks that I love Grace that much, but then I realize that if I were supposed to be her mommy then it would happen (I may or may not have asked around about it.) I have said since I was a little girl that I've wanted to adopt, but of course I think most young girls say that at some point. I didn't really know what it meant to adopt until I visited Africa the first time. When my heart was ripped out, by a room full of baby beds with little black faces that popped up and their tiny hands went into the air begging for you to pick them up. There was more than one room like this and the worst part was-- Rwanda is closed to adoption. So no matter how many babies I held that day and wished so badly I could find them a forever home I couldn't, simply because I was young, afraid and had no clue where to begin. 

I know that my time will come to adopt, Jesus has placed that burning passion within me. That vision of me running to my child and picking them up knowing that they are coming HOME, to be with mommy and daddy. Its replayed a thousand times and each time I hear of a family who has adopted or is in the process of adopting my heart leaps for joy at the idea of them having that same moment with their baby. 

So, im writing this blog because tonight I heard about a family who is in the process of adopting their third child from Korea. I do not know them personally, a friend knows them-- but I'm helping because I know that when it's my time to adopt that I will need a community to help, I will need a community to pray, I will need a community to believe and a community to love me through the process. I know that Jesus will get this sweet baby safe and sound home to his family, but they need our help getting him here. 

This is taken from their Facebook page: Due to the urgency of this referred baby, we were informed that we need $28,500 in the next 10 days. By Monday, August 4th, we need to overnight the funds to New York so they can submit our paper work to Korea.

https://m.facebook.com/profile.php?id=704960306244260

I am not always sure what my life will look like, I am not sure how many children Jesus will allow me to adopt, but I do know that right now we have the chance to help a beautiful couple bring home a baby. There will be one less orphan in the world, there will be one less statistic, there will be one more baby who has a mommy & a daddy. One more baby who has a family. Here are a few pictures of babies I have had the privilege of holding while overseas. These babies are orphans, sleeping in orphanages, eating close to nothing, crying themselves to sleep. Let's help bring a baby home guys! 

a sense of freedom

There was a moment today that I felt like a child again.  It was raining and I decided to put my 22 year old world aside and go for it. So I ran through it and then I danced in it, like the arms out spin around dance. 

&& it was by myself or until my sister decided joining me sounded like a good idea. 

The morning consisted of life talks on the balcony with my mom. Heavy life talks, about dreams and why things happen the way they do. After, I went down to the hammock to read a bit before the rain rolled in and right before it hit I read this statement.

'When Jesus met Martha in Bethany, she was "distracted." That's where Satan usually begins. He knows if we're overly worried and bogged down by duties, chances are good our hearts will not hear the Saviours call to come. While distraction may not win the battle for our soul, getting our eyes off of what is important will certainly make us more vulnerable to attack."

With that being the last thing I read, I placed the book down and ran into the rain as if it were my battle cry for the enemy to know that my freedom wasn't going to be robbed from me. As I twirled around, of course there were moments when my thoughts tried to sneak in, "I wonder what's going on at home," "I wonder how things will look next week, "I wonder, I wonder, I wonder" & then I realized that I'm here right now and that's all I can be is me right in this moment. 

The upstairs door opened and out ran my 13 year old sister, her eyes were big and her swimsuit was on. She ran down the stairs and with no hesitation began twirling beside me giggling. I looked at her as we proceeded to jump into the tiny puddles of muddy sand and thought "what would have happened if i would have let the enemy steal this very moment" -- I would have ran upstairs to take a nap during the rain storm but instead I lived out a memory with my baby sister and I taught her that no matter what age you are a good rain storm can always be a good time.

As the storm rolled away we went back into our normal life. My thoughts seemed to get a tiny bit louder, but as I sat beside my mom on the balcony she began opening up in ways that she never has before, and it was about things that I could help her with. Things that I could talk to her about and pray with her about. Again my thoughts were silenced and I realized, while my 17 year old sister walked out to join us on the balcony--that everyone is broken. Everyone needs to feel that freedom for a split second in their life because it tends to make everything else worth while, at least for me. 

I tend to feel that freedom when I know that Jesus is with me, I've felt it in Africa multiple times, I've felt it in worship, I've felt it while I've been with my preschool children, I've felt it in a warming smile from a stranger, I've felt it while rocking on the front porch with my Pepaw, I've felt it in car rides with the windows down and music blaring & I felt it today while I danced in the rain. It's moments when I think Jesus is right beside me. I know he's beside me always, but these are moments when I feel like I hold my hand out and He will grab it. 

So to everyone reading these posts, Please find something that gives you that sense of freedom, remember it and cherish the moment because that tiny sense of freedom is a tiny glimpse of what it must be like in Heaven. 

walking on water

I drove down to the beach today to be with my family. I drove by myself which was everything I needed after this week. As I started the drive down, I listened to All Sons & Daughters and replayed my week in my head. And after a few phone calls to apologize to people about my selfishness the past week I turned onto a road that wrecked me, I'm not sure how that's possible, but it happened. Sidenote: this place my family was heading was a part of the beach we'd never been, so the gps took me down a road where tall beautiful trees lined each side of the road and I was the only car in sight. I put down the windows and started almost weaping at the idea of how rude I had been at some points this week. My emotions have seemed to be on a rollercoaster. I let certain things go, I laughed at how bad I had just cried and then I turned on my favorite song 'We Dance' by Bethel and then I pulled up to the house. 

I turned in to see the long, long boardwalk with my dad on the boat and my pepaw standing on the dock. I got out of the car and with no hesitation sprinted down the boardwalk and shouted "this cannot be real life" but it was. I was here in this moment. I cannot put into words the beauty of this place. There is nothing in this town except an IGA, the house is secluded and the boardwalk is long and narrow and the dock is small but perfect size. You can see every star in the sky because of how dark it gets. It's incredible. 

As I waited for the rest of the family to get here, I seriously just looked at the bay in awe of the place I was standing. As they arrived I started helping unpack the cars and then we all sat on the porch and felt the cool breeze. We just took in the beauty of the moment I think. Then we moved to the dock, and just to get this straight my heart nearly exploded 7 times while sitting down there. My Memaw was fishing while my mom, my dad, my Pepaw and myself sat at the edge looking at the water and my Pepaw said "walk out on that water and take a picture of us sitting here" 

I giggled. Only wishing I could do it. 

My dad said "you can do it, you just have to have faith" and it seemed to be a light switch for me, I became an adult in my family. I've been fighting off this 'growing up' thing all week, partially why I've had a bad one. But then it hit and it couldn't have been delivered more beautifully. We were telling favorite stories about the bible and my Pepaw explained things he was reading in the New Testament and I was able to point out things for him to study. Then we all talked about what we thing Heaven will be like. 

I can't necessarily write out every word that was exchanged out on the dock but it was everything I needed in my life right now. Jesus was sitting right beside us or maybe He was standing on the water in front of us. Regardless of where He was exactly, I knew He was down there and I knew that He heard me secretly giggle to myself when I told my Pepaw that I would walk on water if I could. I giggled simply because I need that faith, I need that faith in Him every second of everyday. I should have enough faith that I don't have to have bad weeks or bad days because I know that it's a tiny storm compared to His great light. I wish I could have walked on that water today. I wish that I wouldn't have been a bad friend this week and I wish that I would have given more of myself to Jesus this week. I cut Him short, big time. 

I am thankful for new beginnings and for moments big or small that seem to make everything make sense. 

right now

Being at the lake it reminds me so much of being at the nile river, I'm not sure why.  I guess it's the stillness of the water, the greenery, and the red dirt on the bank across the water. I still miss it most days, I wake up hearing Grace's giggle or hearing a rooster and I wonder for a split second if I am there, but then I notice the nice cozy bed and the nicely painted walls and I hear the humming of the air conditioner and I immediately know that I'm here in America and for a split second I get bummed out that I'm not waking up to an adventure that day. I'm not waking up knowing that what I'm doing is helping people. I'm not treking up a mountain. 

Instead, I'm here coming down the mountain, I'm realizing that it's not always about being on top of the mountain because that's when the enemy knows he can't get to you. I feel like the real test and challenge lies while you're coming down the mountain, because that when you are having to fight things off. You are having to be real with yourself and other people. You are having to literally yell at the enemy some days to leave you alone. 

As I've stated more than enough times: it's not alway sunshine. This past week has not been a good one, emotions that I felt at 17 are all coming back up; simply because I'm allowing them to. Nothing seems to be going smoothly, nothing is light hearted and as of Sunday I'd given up. I'd let the enemy control my thoughts, my afternoon even. I had family issue rise that I had no idea were happening, I had a bad fight with a good friend, I got stung by a wasp only for my hand to swell up. I wanted to be alone and be with my thoughts, but I had to push through, put on a smile and then attend a birthday party where we worshipped and had cake. 

Then I broke. While I sat in the corner of the candle lit room surrounded by my friends who all loved Jesus so much. I had a friend come over and pray for me, she continued to say 'enough' as if it were Jesus saying it directly to me. I have felt like I have not been enough since being home, I've felt like I wasn't giving enough of myself, I didn't feel good enough. 

And then the next day came around and A phone call that explained so much. The community lost someone else so young. I was called to be there for my best friend and that's all I could do. I always want to do more, I always want to fix things but in that moment I realized that I couldn't be anymore than what I was being. 

Thoughout the night watching my close friends who all sat in the room the night before, come together to just be there and love on people was such a beautiful thing now that I sit here in silence and find the beauty in all of the mess. I think that's how Jesus intended it to be. 

Jesus has pushed me. He has taught me so much just in this last 4 days and that's simply: I do not have the answers, I don't not know why bad things happen, sometimes words aren't needed, and everyone in this world is broken; wounds don't heal as fast as we'd like them to, words hurt people and people hurt people. 

But one thing that still remains: Jesus knows the answers, He is still in control. Even when I make the biggest mess I've ever created- He still is there waiting for me to run to Him and for Him to give a peace that only He can provide. 

I may not be on my mountaintop high that I get in Africa, but where I am now I wouldn't leave if someone handed me a plane ticket in this very moment, because these are the moments where I am molded, shaped and where Jesus gets all of the glory. 

a year

Think about where you were a year ago. 

I turned 22 yesterday, I was surrounded by my best friends and family. It was a beautiful day. As everyone was talking and carrying on, I looked around the room and remembered where I was a year ago. 

A year ago, I had just gotten home from Rwanda, I remember this day last year, I was laying on my couch having a panic attack while staring at a painted picture of Africa. I figured He was calling me to live there and I was content in sitting on my 'comfort couch' so I would literally panic, I would call people just to justify myself and my thoughts. I said things like 

"I think I'm done going overseas"

"Africa isn't really for me"

I was so insecure in my calling. I was so confused. I had pushed people away thinking that it would gain me something else. I wrote things in my journals that I didn't mean at all, I just wrote them to fill the blank pages. I said words that I didn't mean, I didn't guard the calling Jesus placed on me, I tried to compare myself to everyone. I never wanted to be alone; simply because my thoughs would completely take over.

All of this happened because I was trying to control my life. I was trying to do everything. I was trying to hold onto things that needed to be let go of. I was being disobedient in every sense. I was around people every second of the day, but I was lonely. 

Today, as I sit on my floor next to my cat with my bible open and the rain outside, I think about where I am now. I think about how much I have changed. How much I have grown. I think about how much I have allowed Jesus to change me, to push me, to mold me. 

In the past year I have held things tightly. I have released things, not just saying I'm releasing them but I literally let them go. Friendships I thought would never be mended are better than they have ever been. I wake up some morning and long to talk to Jesus. I quit comparing myself to everyone else when I realized that Jesus created me to be me, he didn't create me to copy someone else. He wants me. I want to know Him more. I use to long to be in a relationship, but now I long for a relationship with my creator. A relationship with the One who placed me on this earth. I use to say things just to hear myself say them, I use to call people the second something 'bad' happened. I worried about what everyone else was doing. I didn't want to be alone because I didn't want to hear what He was telling me because what He was telling me didn't line up with what I wanted.

I'm writing this blog to encourage you all. Whoever reads these. So much can change in a year. Don't be afraid of change, I use to be and it was miserable. As I sat on my couch last night talking to a good friend, I explained where I was in life-- I explained that I could easily go to school this semester or pack it up and move it over to Uganda. I explained that whichever I choose to do, my life would be different in each scenario. Kind of like a book, if I choose Uganda the chapters would be different than the chapters where I stayed and finshed school, but the first chapter and the last chapter are the same in each book. I was created in the beginning and in the ending I will finally get to meet my creator face to face. I get to dance with him. 

So no matter what my life may look like in this moment and no matter how much it's changed the past year and how much it is going to change within the next year-- as long as I'm passionately pursuing my Jesus then everything else will come in when it's supposed to. 

I don't miss how I was last year. I don't miss who I was around last year because they are all still in my life they have just grown too, in such beautiful ways. I think growing up is a little better when change doesn't freak you out as much. 

it's not always sunshine

Of course I post blogs all the time about good things. I post blogs about Uganda and the beautiful moments. I post about worship and Jesus, but what I don't tend to post are the thing that I write in my journal, the things where I am searching to feel something.

I don't wake up every morning stoked about life. I don't have my life figured out, like most people my age do. I cant tell you where I want to be in 5 years because it changes from Africa to America each month. I struggle just like anyone else to make time for Jesus.

&& just for example today I woke up in a terrible mood. I shared a bed with my sister whose body is like a heater, a literal furnace. So I was hotter last night than I was any night in a country where AC doesn't exist. I woke up grumpy. I woke up frustrated and I just wanted to crawl back under the covers and sleep. I shuffled to the kitchen for breakfast, tried rushing my family only to get blank stares. Wrestling a bull into a pin would have been easier with the attitude I was throwing off. I got dressed and tried to avoid quiet time simply because I didn't want to know how rude I just was. I didn't want Him to secretly say "Callie, they are mine just as much as you are" 

But here I am sitting outside, listening to the outside fountain & Bethel. I started writing in my journal all of my mediocre current issues and then I did a Kim Walker giggle and sat the pen down and here I am blogging about my "bad" morning. 

Jesus, my creator, didn't create me to be grumpy. He didn't create me to be rude when I wake up after a bad night sleep. He didn't create me to only worship Him only when I'm sitting in a dark room with some of my best friends, an acoustic guitar and prayer. 

He created me to be Him on this Earth, he created me to worship Him with every breath I take, He created me to see His beauty in His people, He placed me on this Earth to bring people to Him-- not push them away. Sometimes my actions sure don't want people to run to Him. 

I am a human. I wish I could tell you that I don't struggle with certain things, but that's not the truth but He is molding me, teaching me and pushing me daily. Even when I don't feel Him like I do overseas. 

He is still the same God here as He is there. The Jesus that I felt like I could reach out my hand and touch his face is still sitting beside me. I'm just placing him in a box here as I wouldn't there. 

It seems to be like this every time I come home. I'm on the top of the mountain and then I start climbing down. I am having to get back in the routine of things but Jesus isn't a routine. He's someone who wakes me up and surprises me daily. He gives me so much more than I have ever deserved. He gives me a freedom that only He can give me.  

So throughout my grumpiness and sometimes bad moods I imagine Him still waiting for me to calm down, waiting for me to sit quietly for a second and call on Him because then He can tell me just that He's there and that within itself should make me stop the grumpiness. 

Today I am thankful for a Jesus who loves me so much that it makes me want to be a better person and makes me want to stop my bad mood and carry on life beautifully. Like He intended it to be. 

Mosquito nets for my birthday

I turn 22 in 6 days, usually I would be excited. I would be counting down days like a child and probably listening to "22" by Taylor Swift on replay but I just took a look at my watch to check today's date. 

I know that things will be a celebration of the day I was born. But instead of getting gifts this year I want to give gifts this year. 

While in Uganda we worked with a ministry called Healing Faith, They are an incredible ministry with a heart after Jesus. They go into villages and teach about malaria, they hang mosquito nets and then they get to pray for each family. So this birthday I want to be a part of something bigger than myself. I want to raise money to buy mosquito nets. instead of giving a gift or gift card, I'm asking that you give money to save lives. 

I learned so much by just watching them beam with joy just from what we consider a simple net. And to hear their hums of peace while we prayed for them was a highlight. 

So regardless of if I get to hang the nets personally or if the next team going in does. I just want people to see their complete joy. Their joy is worth admiring. It's a tiny glimpse of Heaven, I think. I'd hang nets everyday if I knew that I could just see them jump for joy while we hang the mosquito net and pray for them. Thats the kind of joy that needs to spread like wildfire. 

A mosquito net cost $6 

A home needs 2 or more 

My birthday goal: is to raise enough money for just 50 nets. That's a total of $300.00--

Here is a link where you can donate: 

http://www.gofundme.com/b6od6k

& here is Healing Faiths website 

http://www.healingfaithuganda.org

We can help save lives and teach about Jesus while doing it. 

& instead of buying a card just draw me a picture or write me a letter, please!  Cards are too expensive. 

when love loves back

To the little girl who stole the last little bit of my heart that wasn't already over there. I am not sure why I think of you first thing in the morning and periodically throughout the day. I am not sure why I cry when I think about your giggle. I can't help but smile through the tears. I can't help but think of you when I see another two year olds, I imagined that you were in my preschool class this morning while I taught. I think you'd fit right in. I cant help but imagine me picking you up when you say 'auntie, auntie'-- and my heart cannot fathom why you are in an orphanage. My heart hurts thinking about you being only two and sleeping in a room amongst other babies. My heart longs to hear your giggle. I am not sure what this is going to look like. I am not sure if I will see you again, but I will never forget that moment when I went to walk out the gate and you held so tightly to my hand I looked down at you, our eyes met and you kissed my hand multiple times. 

I know that you are protected by Jesus, I know that He holds you when you cry at night, I know that he holds your hand when nobody else does. But I think at this point I'd give anything to hold you, pray for you and teach you all about Jesus. 

As I was talking to someone very important in my life I talked about Grace with tears rolling down my face. And in response I got "that's what happenes when love, loves back"-- how can I even comprehend that? How can I even begin to acknowledge the power that comes with that? I went there to just love her and she manged to love me back. So I think on it. 

And come to this conclusion: this is a microscopic glimpse as to how Jesus must feel when his children run to Him. This must be how He feels when we put ourselves aside and call on Him. As I walked out the gate sweet Grace held my hand so tightly as to say "don't leave me" and then she kissed my hand knowing that I couldn't stay. 

Of course we can stay with Jesus, but most of us allow our own desires to take us away from Him, but He is still there loving and waiting for us to return. 

And I'd like to imagine that He kisses our hand with tears in his eyes knowing that we go our own way for a while. But He doesn't love us any less because of it, He still loves us just as much as He does the day He created us. 

&& I think that's the beauty in being His daughter. Knowing that He loves me every second of everyday. He's never left me and he never will leave me and one day I will get to see Him face to face. I will get to worship Him every second of forever. I will get to dance with Him. Sing with Him and just sit at His feet forever. 

& hopefully I will have Grace sitting in my lap and Joseani sitting to my side. 

a simple sentence

I'm still processing, still learning to walk in the things that I was taught, still trying to discipline myself. 

It seems that over in Uganda, for me at least, that at any given point in the day I can reach out and touch Jesus' face. But I feel like here I am having to jump through hoops to feel him. Why is that? 

Because of me. He is the same Jesus here as he is there. He is the same today, tomorrow and yesterday. He doesn't change-- I change. 

For two weeks of the year I live among people who have no worldly possessions. 

They live in clay huts

They sleep on floors

They don't wear shoes

They don't have more than one outfit usually

They eat what they find and that usually consist of jackfruit or chapati

The 12 year old girls are usually the main caretaker for their siblings

The young boys become 'men' at 10 years of age because their fathers leave

They don't all have education

They walk miles for water that's not even clean

They have rats chew on their feet while they sleep

They get & try to fight malaria, not knowing what it is

Their toys are soccer balls made of corn husk and grass or a tire with a stick to keep it rolling

Yet, they teach me so much.

They teach me to smile even if tomorrow doesn't look much better than today.

They teach me to give

They teach me to laugh

They teach me not fear

They teach me to be strong

They teach me to love

They teach me to dance

They teach me that family, no matter what size, is the most important gift we have here

They teach me faith

They teach me about Jesus

They teach me not to stress

They teach me to give Him everything

They teach me that worship is the most beautiful thing we can do on this earth

They teach me the true meaning of brother & sister

They teach me that things aren't important

They teach me to live each day to its best potential

They teach me that "In the future I look better than how I look right now"

They teach me "God is good and that's His nature, wow"

They teach me patience 

My favorite things they teach me is what life is all about && that's simply 

"If I don't see you again on this Earth, I will see you in Heaven."

There is such power in those simple words. They say it with such truth and faith in knowing that Heaven is in their future. It doesn't matter to them what they have on this Earth because they have their Father waiting for them in a Heaven. 

I think the world would change if we all lived with this mindset. If we challenged one another, prayed for one another and lifted one another up things would happen. 

I feel like when I go they give me more than I could ever give them. I dream of the day that I will see all of them in Heaven. I may not see their dirty brown faces and tattered clothes but I will see their pure, rich, life giving spirits and like a child, I imagine the hugs that we will share will last forever or at least until someone brings out the soccer ball. 

My heart is so thankful for so many things, but in this moment it's for the Ugandans who have taught me so much.

It is well

How is it possible to feel so distant in a house full of people. Our house has a revolving door- it always does. Currently as I take a break from the crowd of people. The crowd number is up to 15 and it's just a Tuesday night. I tried being social but the conversations seemed to be tuned out by the flashback of the sunrise, of their hands, of their bright faces, of their giggles, of the rooster who woke me up daily, of my team. I think of these things. These things that I hold so closely to my heart. 

My body isn't sure if it's day or night. So I walk around like zombie only to hear "how was it"-- I respond with "beautiful or incredible" and then the next question "did you have fun?"

Is that a question for right now? I'd imagine asking that question after a trip to Disney or the beach, but after returning home from a developing country. 'Fun' is the last word I would use to describe the trip. Sure, there were moments of complete joy, of pure fun, of jokes and laughter but then there are moments when it feels like my heart is being ripped from my being. Moments that I have to step back and breathe because they are too beautiful. Like moments that you only imagine feeling in heaven. 

You'd think that after doing this 3 times it'd get easier each time. The coming home part gets harder and harder. I can say with no hesitation that I have cried more in the past two days than I have in a long time. The tears come at random times, it's not one certain thing that does it. It's things like quiet time, like the sunrise this morning, like when I put my feet in the pool this afternoon, when I talked to a dear friend about Grace & when I thought about the freedom that I felt there. 

So my question lies here:: how do I make this easier? 

Answer:: I don't. Instead, I embrace these moments where I feel so disconnected and I process and work through the feelings. 

Most of you reading this have been in a relationship before & you've had your heart broken before. So this is the best way I can explain it-- you know that feeling you have when your heart gets broken? The one where you feel almost like something is missing, you wait for a phone call just to put your mind at ease, you cry because the person is gone-- that's how being home feels. It feels like something is missing. Like I'm waiting for a phone call from Uganda itself telling me the red dirt, roosters and kiddos miss me. I cry because I replay moments that I will never forget & that are so beautiful that putting them in a sentence on a blog won't give them justice. 

Then there's another part of a relationship- the beginning. The best part. The part where you're learning each other. You get butterflies when you talk or look at each other from across the room, you love being around that person, of course we all know that one day that ends, but something more meaningful happens-- you fall in love but you have to work at it more. It's not as easy as it was at the beginning but it's so precious and special that it still makes you're heart stop when you see the person from across the room sometimes. 

That's where I am with Jesus right now. I know what the beginning of the relationship with Jesus feels like but here is the part where I cry because I don't want this feeling to go away- the part where I want to stay in His presence forever. & the part where I just want Him to reach out and grab my hand. I'm having to teach myself, discipline myself and push myself to get to this spot and maintain it. I'm scared of letting it go. 

So, while my heart breaks and longs to be in a country on the other side of the world, my Creator is sitting still with me in my field, on my couch, in my car, in my bed, on my swing and listening to my heart and He is comforting me the best way anyone could by just loving me and allowing me to sit in His presence for as long as I'd like. 

It is well with my soul.