Because I've lost hope. Since I was a child, I've had a numerous amount of people come into my life and not shortly after leave. They left for whatever reasons were necessary. I've always felt replaceable, I've never, ever felt good enough.
Until, I went to Africa. Those kids wanted me, they only wanted me. They saw me as Callie, the one who would run in the field and spin them around. They saw me as the one who would hold their hand every second of the day. They heard me say "I love you" and in return they would say it back. They knew I had no hidden agenda, It was just me.
Before I left for Africa the first time, I wasn't a Christian. I've tried to tell myself I was, but I wasn't really. I just tried to make myself feel better. But when I got to Africa- the walls I'd built up for years started coming down. I can remember the first time in my entire life I felt completely free, I was in a field in Rwanda. I had taken my girls out to the swingset in the middle of the cow pasture; as I pushed them on the swingset, a little girl, Maria, walked up and asked me to hold her. I decided that I would spin her around- her dress was tattered and her face was dirty, so I gently scooped her up and we started spinning. As we went round and round her shoes began flying off, her face brighten and she was just as free as me in that moment. I've spent awhile trying to get that feeling back.
I've spent the past two years running after something that wasn't mine to begin with. A dream. A dream that was given to me before I believed in JC. A dream to visit Africa, a dream to build schools, a dream to fight for their education. A dream to do it, just live it out and go for it.
But here I sit on my swing, after my nanny job and I seriously just sit. I don't have an agenda for today, I'm not doing anything to accomplish that dream that was given to me. Probably because I've not given it back to Him. He gave it, so I'm grasping onto it so tightly that my knuckles are white. I'm not letting Him have it because I know how it feels to lose things, to lose people. To have someone in your life that is incredible. You don't think anything in this world could be better than spending time wih that person (friend or relationship) and then it's ripped from you and within minutes everything that feels comfortable changes.
So no I haven't given my dream to Him simply because I'm afraid that He will keep it, that He will take it and never give it back.
This blog name is a lie, I thought that I was living a life that's no longer mine but realistically I'm holding onto things so I can make it look the way I want it to look.
I'm sorry that this blog is deep, I am a Christian. I love Jesus with my whole heart, but right now I'm not feeling Him and that's because of me. I'm not letting go of this image I have painted for my life.
I'm currently putting down the paint brush.
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