confessions of an auntie

A week from today the children that I have called my own for the past 4 months will be back in their normal life. They will be waking up early to fetch water, wearing their favorite flip flops and eating their food, but most importantly they will be back with their families. This tour has changed my life in so many ways. I've learned more about myself in the past few months than I ever have.

This blog will be raw:
It will be telling my secrets from the road.

Confessions of an auntie:

I have never been this happy in my entire life.
I don't know what I will do when tour is over.
I don't know how I will be without having kids to tuck in every night
I don't know what I will do when I don't have a hand to hold.
I have become blind to skin color.
I don't know what I will do without hearing their voices everyday.
I don't know what I will do without hearing 'auntie' every ten minutes.
I don't know what they will be doing daily and it bothers me.
I don't know what my life would be like without having 18 kids to pray for daily.
I am scared of next Tuesday, scared of how my heart will feel.
I am nervous about what I will be like when I go to Uganda and not be able to see every child.
Im scared that I will forget about pure moments on tour.
I don't ever want to forget the moments that I grew.
I kept the kids up past bedtime almost every night. It was worth it.
I don't remember the name of most of my host homes.
I let the kids sing Ed Sheeran.
I also let them request a few other songs.
I told the kids daily that I loved them.
I met people that I know will be in my life for years to come.
I gained friends on the road.
I met a child who changed me daily.
I got frustrated a lot.
I had to walk away from situation to take a breath.
I explored new cities.
I napped a lot.
I stayed up too late.
I woke up late somedays.
I connected more with moms I met than people my own age.
I prayed with the kids every night.
I prayed bad things out of their dreams.
I got scared when kids sleep walked.
I prayed for healing.
I was a nurse sometimes.
I was a massage therapist most of the time.
I didn't let the kids braid my hair because I'm tender headed.
I thought about the future too much.
I didn't live in the present somedays.
I didn't love enough somedays.
I listened to Casting Crowns more than enough, all thanks to Darya.
I sang in a language I still don't know.
I broke promises, I'm sure.
I sang Happy Birthday.
I decorated bedrooms for birthday surprises.
I listened to stories that were hard to hear.
I ran in the rain.
I loaded the van in the rain.
I met a family that will never know how much they inspire me.
I met a few new friends that I hope stick around for a bit.
I argued with my momma because I missed her.
I didn't call my sisters enough.
I grew closer to my daddy on this tour.
I didn't pray enough.
I told Darya daily that she was being too loud.
I picked up words like 'Rowdy" from Marissa.
I learned new music from Lindsay.
I cried a couple of times.
I laughed more than I ever have.
I met new people daily.
I almost yelled at a homeless woman because she was yelling at my kids.
I scrubbed watermelon from red van.
I screamed through tunnels.
I drove in the rain.
I took naps while I should have been helping keep Darya awake.
I drank too much coffee.
I ate too much McDonalds.
I learned more about Uganda than I wanted to know.
I took more pictures that I needed to.
I let my phone die one too many times.
I don't like swimming in crowded pools, but I did it three times (for the kids)
I didn't shave my legs as much as I needed too.
I let the kids pick out my outfits somedays.
I let things go that were holding me back.
I laughed on bad days.
I ran for a couple of weeks.
I blew one of my knees out.
I still can't climb upstairs without the pain.
I broke my glasses.
I got new glasses.
I went to book stores in new cities.
I got tired of going to book stores every three days.
I said 'Roll Tide' a lot.
I sang "Sweet Home Alabama"
I learned more abut Texas than any other state.
I danced in the back of churches to get the kids to laugh on stage.
I learned how to live with complete strangers.
I learned how to love.
I learned the true meaning of love.
I learned that things in life aren't always planned.
I learned that the best things happen when they are unexpected.
I learned how to say 'yes'
I learned how to say 'no'

I learned that my life will never be the same. I know that my life has changed. I know that in July while I am in Uganda I will know more than ever before. I also know that saying 'goodbye' to the few kids I do get to see there will be harder than anything else Ive done. I know that Tuesday will be the longest day of my life and I know that Wednesday I will get to see my family. I know that this weekend I will see people who I am excited to see. And I know that Monday when I fly to Uganda my heart will still be confused, but it will still be full. So full of pure joy. I can't wait to see these kids again and I am currently sitting in the room with two of them. I miss them already.

can we just stop already

While some people try to start another Civil War over social media-- I am tucking children into bed knowing that in a week from today they go back to their lives. They go back to their lives of only one meal day, that meal only being a bowl of porridge. They go back to sharing beds with their siblings, some children 4 to a full size mattress- their heads go on the mattress and their legs go on the ground. They go back to their mothers and fathers that love them in ways I can't, ways I only wish I could.

As I tuck them into bed I listen to their stories, I listen to them talk about the long walks to school, the nights they stay up late doing chores and the mornings they wake up at 4am to fetch water and get their siblings dressed from school. I listen to them talk about the little scars they have on their bodies. Then they ask me about my past, my family, my life. I tell them my stories and right after i feel guilty. I feel guilty because I didn't choose to be born in America. Just as much as they didn't choose to be born in a developing country, but they were and they love it. Its what they know.

Tonight my heart is heavy, knowing that in 7 days they fly home. They go back to their normal lives and I go back to mine, which will never be the same. My heart is heavy at the fact that America is so 'blessed' that we choose to argue about things that only cause more war than peace. Without realizing it, soon we will be in another civil war. We fight about gun rights, we fight about same sex marriage, we fight about the people with different skin tones. We fight over everything. Before I go any further, I will say that I am a very opinionated person- I had to learn to control it during my hippie days in high school. I use to say things and not care how it came across or what people thought about my opinion. However, now I am speaking out of a place of love.

Here is my opinion: I think we waste our time debating on social media. I find it ignorant that people think they are changing the world by posting a meme. I am tired of people saying things on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram that they would never say to someones face. I am tired of people always trying to bring up a new issue. What exactly are you trying to prove? Are we trying to get another war started? When do we start fighting for the rights of homeless? Of orphans or widows? Or is that way out of the question at this point? When will we look past our phone screens and see the world as a whole, not separated into countries and colors.

As I tucked my girls into bed tonight I found myself feeling complete joy. These children have so much joy, so much love and so much faith. They are ready to go back home to eating one meal a day, walking miles to school and having to fetch water instead of walking to the water fountain. When will we actually fight for their rights? When we will care that they go hungry? When will we care that they don't get free education? When will we care that at the age of 14 some girls are child brides? When will quit fighting from behind a computer screen about pointless things and actually fight for something worth fighting for.



This video speaks for itself. This organization changed my life 7 years ago.
https://vimeo.com/114638373

a prayer request

As I tucked in 4 little girls to bed I held back tears knowing that soon I won't have them to tuck in anymore. It's tough being an auntie- knowing that you only have them for a short period of time. I have to deal with the fact that I may never see some of them again on earth, but in heaven. 

This post is short. It's short because for the first time publicly I'm asking for prayer. Prayer for the aunties hearts as they are preparing to say bye to these children. Prayers for the kids as some of them have addressed their sadness for leaving. Prayers for us as we walk into our next season, whatever that may be. 

Today we entered our last state and through Darya's obnoxious screaming (she's from Ohio) -- something whispered "are you ready?" 

I looked at my map on my phone and saw each state we covered and still while Darya yelled about her state, I thought back on moments from each state. What I learned from each state and how I grew. I can honestly say that I have never in my life been this tried, ever. However, I have never been this happy. This is the best thing I've ever done in my life. 

I've met people who I will never forget, people who love me and I love them. People who listen to me and pray for me. I've met some of my best friends and I've met some people who will for sure be a part of my future. I am thankful for each life I have been honored to get to know. 

a letter to their parents

I don't even know what to write. I don't know how to process this being the last month of tour. I don't know how to process that in 27 short days I will be dropping these children off at the airport. I only imagine how that moment will look. I know it will be one of the hardest things I will ever do, ever. I will be placing them on a plane never seeing them all in one place at the same time again, well until heaven. I have been thinking a lot about their return home and how happy their families will be to see them, how pure that moment will be. I only wish I could be a fly on the wall when their parents embrace their children for the first time in months. Some being much taller than they were the last time they hugged them.

The other night our host took us to a ballgame. I have this thing where I buy ball caps at every baseball game I attend. This night I had to buy one because I had not bought on in 3 years. I took three kids with me to the little souvenir shop. I made them hold hands and I watched them like a hawk as we walked. When we got inside a man was chasing his crying child around the store-- while my three stood there watching them in amazement. Of course they helped me pick out a hat, we checked out and as we walked back to our seats, I noticed the head turns as I was holding hands with three african children. What could their thoughts have been, I will never know. However, I do know that the moment was one of my favorites. I actually felt like those kids were mine for just those few minutes.

I've had a sense of parenthood while on this trip, Ive cried when they've cried. Ive laughed when they've laughed. I have smiled when they have smiled and while walking around the game that night,  I realized that I would never be their actual parents, but that I was so thankful for their parents. With that being said, I have been writing this letter in my head for some time now. Here is the letter to their parents:

______________________

Thank you.
Thank you for trusting Jesus, first and for most. Thank you for trusting me, a muzungu with your child. Thank you for allowing me to tuck them in at night, to make sure they shower in the mornings and brush their teeth twice a day. Thank you for trusting that they are being lead to Jesus daily, even though I think they teach me more about Jesus than I could ever teach them. Thank you for letting me watch them literally grow in front of my eyes and for allowing me to be a part of their life. I feel like I know you just by the stories they tell me of you. Thank you for trusting that they will return home to you safe and sound. Thank you for letting your children teach me new things daily.

I taught them the macarena, I hope that is okay. I also burned the Frozen albums for the vans- that's why they are walking around your home singing 'Let It Go' -- I am also the reason for them singing  'We are the World.'  and Roll Tide-- I'm sorry. I did let them convince me to stay up past bedtime here and I took their plates to the sink for them sometimes, instead of them doing it for me. I spoiled them sometimes. I let them braid my hair more than once. I let them sit in the front seat when they could. I also babied them when they were sick, whether that be with a headache, a stomach ache or just tired. I kissed their heads a hundred times day. I iced their sore muscles and I massaged their backs as they fell asleep some nights. I wrote them letters and let them write our host letters.

But, most importantly I prayed for them. I prayed for them before bed after I made them tell me their favorite thing from the day. I prayed for them when they were sick, when there was an issue with another child or when they just needed prayer. But, they also prayed for me. They prayed for me for my future plans, but instead of praying for answers in things they just prayed that I would follow Jesus and serve him for forever.

Your children truly changed my life. I will never be the same since meeting them.  From the bottom of my heart thank you. I will miss them, but I know that they have missed you.

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