welcome to my journal

I'm back. Full swing in classes. In church stuff. With trying to get a schedule down. I think I've finally got things all figured out, like im getting my ducks in a row and then I toss and turn at night while my mind goes so fast that nothing can seem to catch up with it.

Sometimes the thoughts are vague, sometimes the thoughts sound like I'm reading my ethics book, "what is real?" "Is this moment real? Can you prove it?" 

So tonight at 2am, I cannot sleep. I'm not really sure why. I guess, it's just the change of things. My body is either getting use to routine or denying it-- it can't seem to make up it's mind. 

Tonight, I find myself thinking about life. About my passions. About the roles that I'm playing in people's lives and in Jesus' storybook. Am I really living everything He wants me to do? Or am I doing things that I want to do? What will my life look like in 5 years? What does it mean to be "called" to do something? How will I know if and when I'm "called"?  Is there ever really a day when my life will make sense to me? What are my true, raw passions? 

That's the real one. The tough one. The one that makes me uncomfortable. Only because I have to dig so deep that I have to forget about everything that is comfortable to get to my answer. Or at least, that's how I think it works. We are told to leave everything behind and follow Christ. So for me, what does that look like? 

I place myself in different scenarios. I ask myself the hard questions. 

Hard questions:: 

Would I still go to Africa, if it went unnoticed? 

Would I say I'm passionate about children if I didn't go to Africa? 

Would I have a different degree choice if I knew I'd have a job in it? 

Do I really want to teach? Everyday for the rest of my life? 

When's the last time I laid on my floor and wept for hurting people? 

When's the last time I truly felt inspired? 

What does inspire me? 

What makes me what to do better? 

These are my thoughts in the quiet of the night. I use to be afraid of these thoughts because I never knew how I answer them. 

Here are some of my answers: 

Sure, I would still go to Africa. 

I'm not sure if i would be as passionate about children if I didn't go to Africa. That's where the passion seemed to be birthed.

I honestly would probably have a degree in 

Non Profit/Videography/photography/Writing 

I don't know. 

I think I shed a couple of tears while praying last week for Iraq. 

Tonight while talking in the outreach meeting. 

I get inspired when I watch other people get inspired. I get inspired by music or shooting images.

Jesus makes me want to do better. 

I just interviewed myself. That's how my thoughts work at this hour. But realistically. I don't have concrete answers for any of the above questions. But Jesus does, so I will find my rest in knowing that.