Finding Balance

I have been talking about becoming more of a minimalist for quiet sometime now. I think I finally took the plunge. I have one box of journals from over the years, a few dvds that I can't seem to get rid of and a ton of Christmas decorations, but other than that I have things that I use. I have not gone through my craft closet yet. That will come soon enough.

I hate throwing stuff out, I hate it. When I get rid go things its a battle of who I was when I threw the thing in the dump and who I was when I bought the thing years ago. There is never an in-between. Paperwork and cards are HARD. I just put most of my old cards on the burn pile, its not that I dont love them and the sentiment that came with them. Its just simply that I dont read them, I have no reason to. I've read them multiple times. I know who sent them and I know that they love us. Currently, my heart is racing as if I have some attachment to the cards. Like I did something wrong. This is not a right feeling. When I go to Heaven, those cards will not be traveling with me. That is a sentence I have said to myself over and over.

In this new season, I am trying to find BALANCE. In everything, yes, I still spend entirely too much time scrolling my phone and not enough time reading. I bake things before I clean my living room and I lay down to take naps before I do the dishes. I am working toward things. I am trying to find more natural things to put on my body, but have not made the same decision about what I put in my body. I still eat fried foods and sugars, but I am trying natural deodorants. Its a baby step process.


My life looks differently than I imagined years ago. You know that question, "where do you see yourself in 5 years?" It is funny to look back on that now. I never would have imagined being here. EVER. But I am and I do not mind it. I am learning how to say, "no" to somethings and be honest in everything. I am trying to remind myself that things go away, material things go away. I am also trying to remember that friendship change, its just how life works.

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This is a different season, I am trying to be kind to people, strangers, friends, and family. Like seriously be kind. I have a friend that calls me out when I fake smile. Its necessary because I do that too often. I am currently trying to teach my mom to not be sorry for her opinion. Sweet Amy, she will share her opinion, knowing that it doesn't line up with yours and then finish the statement with, "I am sorry, thats just my opinion." That is important, don't be sorry for it. Be graceful with your opinion, but not sorry.  I don't want to tell people things I don't mean, I use to be the worst about it.

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things I live by.

say what you mean.
clean out your house/car/barn/garage. you will feel better.
love the Lord.
don't bash other peoples beliefs.
don't bash how people parent.
don't judge people.
be kind to people.
don't be sorry for your opinion.
don't be scared to say no.
don't be scared to say yes.
don't hold onto things.
don't be worried about what people think.
bake things.
make things.
light candles.
don't have fake friends.
don't hold grudges.
a new notebook is one of the best feelings.
if someone is copying things you did/do, good. let it be a challenge or compliment.
don't go to bed mad, you will only have nightmares.
support small businesses.
dont fake smile.

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I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. -Maya Angelou

I'm a Child of God, Yes I am

We have another blog that we are supposed to use for adoption updates, well not supposed to I mean we just said that we would use that one. But this one feels like home to me, this one is one that I started when I was in a completely different season of life - a season where this chapter seemed so far away, but now I am here and going back to read old post makes me giggle because I can hear God so much in my own words, I can hear Him in the periods behind sentences, telling me to, ' be calm.' He did have me and He does have me. I think that is something that I heard over and over this weekend.

We had a worship night with our church and another local church Sunday night and WOW, God showed up and showed out. I told Alejandro the other day that one song that resonates so deeply with me right now, is -'Who You Say I Am' but Hillsong. Amber, who is on our worship team at church and pregnant with twins sings it from the bottom of her heart and I feel it in my bones. I cried when she sang it a couple weeks ago and told Alejandro that I wanted it to be written on a sign for a babies room -  "In my fathers house theres a place for me, I'm a child of God, yes I am." Over the weekend it played twice and both times, I knew it was for me. I knew it was the Lord telling me to, 'just trust Him.'  The first time was Saturday morning at 7:30am. We serve at the Harbor on Saturday mornings, we wanted to cook pancakes on the food truck - we got home at midnight from Foster Fest and decided that the grill wouldn't work for the pancakes so we got up at 5am to cook 240 pancakes on griddles and the stovetop. It was fun to see us work as zombies in the kitchen while one of our pups was licking up the things we dropped on the floor and the other one was still asleep (a girl after my own heart.)  I was discouraged when we got to the Harbor because I thought there would be more volunteers and I was just so tired, I got over it quickly when I saw who was there and how willing and ready they were to serve. We all started Harbor orientation for the day and they played our babies song. I knew then that I was where I was supposed to be. Then Sunday night rolled around and we did the worship night, I have never been so pumped for Heaven. Amber sang this song and it all happened again - its an overwhelming joy feeling - you know the one that makes you giggle while you have tears streaming down your face. 

Many of you know we are adopting, we are working hard to fundraise and we have been overwhelmed by the support we have been given. We started a food truck to help us fundraise - a food truck is so much fun and so tiring all in the same breath. We have done multiple events and every time we are set up, I hear at least one person say, "I saw that you guys are doing this for your adoption so we came out just to support you guys." 

Right now we are in the part in the process that I have read about on blogs and been told about - we are antsy, a little bit. I think about our baby multiple times a day. I think that the long nights prepping and early mornings rising for food truck days are preparing us for a baby. I have dreams about our baby. I pray for our baby's birth mother. We talk about what we will name our baby. We talk about what they will look like. We talk about what their room will look like. We are trying to decide what step to take - we know that a consult would be good, but we know it adds more money to the cost. We know an agency would be good. but some don't work with parents who aren't both US citizens and some won't work with couples unless they deal with infertility. 

Our dream with adoption is to stand in the gap for a mama who cannot afford to take care of her baby. A mama who is willing to put her heart aside and understand that her baby needs a home life outside of the cycle. We are applying fro grants, we are researching consultants and agencies daily. 

We are thankful. We are antsy. We are ready. We are praying. We are fundraising. We are researching. We are excited. We are nervous. We are thankful, again.


Heres an old blog post for 2014:
https://alifethatisnolongermine.blogspot.com/2014/07/adoption.html

Cal & Al

I’ve always heard that you know when you meet the person you will marry. That’s not always true. When I met Al, I knew something was there but I was unsure what. I felt upset when I heard that there was someone else he was interested in, but I quickly got over it because I knew that I didn’t like him. I knew he had a heart for missions and that’s what I found attractive in anyone. However, I did not like him I knew that. I went on about my life, I needed the season to heal to find myself and I did just those things. Two months after meeting Al, I got offered a position to move to Uganda to help build schools with the ministry he worked with (a dream that burned in my heart since 2009.) I took it. I knew that was where God took me, I knew that’s why I was on tour. I went back and forth with lots of questions - but deep down I knew. We would all move in 2016. It wasn’t until that month that I got his number. He text the group saying, “praying for you guys.” I think it was about three months later before we had our first conversation privately. He told me to try watching Parks, I did and most of our talks were about that. I appreciated his friendship, it was something I needed in the season of getting ready to move. I would often say, “you better not catch feelings because I am not that girl.” And I so wasn’t, I was in such a good season of being single that the idea of being in a relationship made me panic. I knew that I had to be single to actually do this giant move. In the fall of 2015, Alejandro came to Dothan to visit. We watched Parks, went to the fair and he met my best friends. Once I thought he liked me and I went to my house for 10 mins and left him in my parents - I DID NOT WANT TO LIKE HIM. He came back again in January to be my date to my sisters wedding, he taught me how to waltz. I thought I could like him, but then someone in my family asked me if we were dating and I ran away - to the bathroom for 10 mins. This happened a few more times, and every single time I would run away. I was better at that. 

In March 2016 we moved to Uganda. My entire family drove me to South Carolina a couple days before and Alejandro was there to greet us and to help me finish packing. He was there. I called him my best friend to everyone I knew because he was that. We moved to Uganda and transition was hard, it was so hard. Alejandro would come to my room and say, “hey, come outside.” He’d say, “hey, let’s walk to the store.” He would take me to get ice cream on really, really bad days. He was there. Two months into living in Uganda, we hit a wall. Our friendship hit its first giant fight. It wasn’t small. It was big. We didn’t talk for a couple days and we shared a bathroom, so imagine the awkwardness. I knew he was still my friend, we both just needed time. We eventually got over it, but walls were built up. He was still there. We watched Parks on rainy days, went to the alum together every Saturday, he taught me Spanish words everyday, he made me laugh when he knew I missed home. My phone got ripped from my hands and I called Alejandro scream crying from someone else’s phone. He slept on my floor that night and gave me his iPhone to take with me to Italy to visit my family. Time went on, Uganda got harder for me and I called it on my 6th month. My anxiety had surpassed the friendship I had with Alejandro, I had 100% pushed myself away from everything. He tried to take me places and I’d just tell him no. I moved home. 

If you know me you know that I say, “I love you,” to everyone. I said to Alejandro shortly after our friendship started and never got a response. When he dropped me off at the airport to fly back home, we hugged and wept seriously, wept. He looked at me and said, “I guess I love you.” I cried for 2 hours. My youngest sister was with me, she held my hand and kept quiet. I got home and cut off all communication. I knew I needed to, at least I thought I did. It had been two months and I got a text saying, “you’re not overcommitting to things to stay busy, are you?” For my birthday he sent me Parks memes and we’d catch up every now and then. He still understood me. 

Months passed and Alejandro and I would only text once a week, maybe. In September there was a banquet in SC for the ministrywe worked for, I decided to go and take my friend with me. We got there early to help set up. Tony, Alejandro’s best friend was there and he wanted to call him. So he called him, I picked up the phone and heard his voice and my heart quit beating. I said, “hello” he said, “hey playa,” and everything I ever knew about him changed. We caught up and at the banquet I saw all of his friends, his family and after the banquet was over I got in the car with Jordan and said,” I’m in love with Alejandro.” Her response, “about time for you to admit it.”

I called Alejandro and said, “I need to tell you something and it not ruin our friendship.” He promised it wouldn’t. I said, “I’m pretty sure I have feelings for you and that I have for awhile.” He laughed and said, “well, me too.”  We talked for the entire 6 hour car ride home. I got home and realized what I had done and wanted to run away, but I didn’t. 

October came around and my friends were going to Uganda and wanted me to join. I surprised Alejandro. There was a lot of awkwardness to push through. We asked each other if we could hold hands like on day 3, we laughed when it happened. He asked me to be my girlfriend in Gulu, a place I’d waited since 2009 to see in person. He kissed me, but first asked if it was okay. It was a lot of awkward moments, but we laugh at them now. When I got on the plane, he kissed me and we both cried. We FaceTimed often. I was unsure when I’d see him again. He got approved to come home in December, but left before Christmas. ‘Blue Christmas,’ was on repeat. We told each other we loved each other in December, Parks was on in the background. I knew if he didn’t say it then I would. He said it, we both giggled and said - “this is crazy.”

We knew we wanted to get married. We just didn’t know when or what that even looked liked.  We talked about fall 2017, but he came home in February to surprise me. 

We walked through so much to get married. So much. Long distance is hard, but when that person is there everyday that seems a little harder at times. We pushed through, we had great premarital counselors and we fought to get communication on the same page. We got married in May and nothing had ever felt more right. 

On May 20th we will be married for a year. They say the first year is hard, it is. I’m not going to lie. We walked through a very hard season. We pushed through and we fight daily for our marriage. Learning to live with someone sounds so fun at the beginning, until you realize that the kitchen cabinets are empty because he keeps Tupperware in his car and I keep all the cups. He wakes up at 7am and I wake up at 9:30. He’s ready for bed at 10 and I’m not ready until 12. But we’ve learned those things, we know each other and how to handle certain things. Marriage is fun. I seriously married my best friend and I’m so thankful for that. I can be myself. Recently I looked at him and said, “I never thought I’d be this comfortable with someone.” 

It’s the best.