my thankful post

I'm in South Carolina this week and I am realizing now that its almost the end of November..... WHAT?!?

How did we get this far into the year? How is it only a month away from Christmas? How is it a month closer to flying out? How? How? How? How have I forgotten to post my cliche thankful post everyday? How have I not baked anything this year? How have I not made apple butter? How have I only bought one fall scented candle? How have I only taken one super cute fall picture?

That's right because I've been busy with other things. I have been busy with focusing on life changing. My sisters getting married, my other sister turned 15 and I am trying to balance family time, cat time, Netflix, quiet time, church time, traveling time and friend time. Its a struggle -- but such a good struggle. I don't really want to make this blog super long because it will be posted right after I post a moldy heavy one. So here is to my thankful post.

I am thankful for my family.
I am thankful for friends.
I am thankful for laughter.
I am thankful for my journals.
I am thankful for my cat.
I am thankful for Netflix.
I am thankful for my picture wall.
I am thankful for my phone.
I am thankful for my camera.
I am thankful for my car.
I am thankful for my adventures.
I am thankful for Parks & Recs.
I am thankful for Leslie Knope.
I am thankful for Ben Wyatt.
I am thankful for love.
I am thankful for inside jokes.
I am thankful for awkward moments.
I am thankful for live music.
I am thankful for John Mayer.
I am thankful for Disney World.
I am thankful for ice cream.
I am thankful for my new bicycle.
I am thankful for my suitcase.
I am thankful for car rides with Pepaw.
I am thankful for phone calls from my sisters.
I am thankful for moments with my dad.
I am thankful for a Memaw who can laugh about her broken arm
I am thankful for friends named Jordan.
I am thankful for friends in different seasons than me.
I am thankful for new babies.
I am thankful for Benjamin House.
I am thankful for an awesome leader.
I am thankful for a family that calls me their own.
I am thankful for my families here and there
I am thankful for real friendships
I am thankful for my past
I am thankful for my present
I am thankful for my future
I am thankful for 2 little boys that make everything funny
I am thankful for a little girl who reminds me what life is really about
I am thankful for young guys who love Jesus so much they leak Him
I am thankful for the ability to read.
I am thankful for the ability to write.
I am thankful for freedom.
I am thankful that I am a woman.
I am thankful that I am moving to another country to fight for women/children
I am thankful for office desks
I am thankful that I can run for president in 2028 (dream)
I am thankful that I have a heart that loves adventure
I am thankful for my messy hair
I am thankful for my complexion, that is currently breaking out.
I am thankful for corn dogs.
I am thankful for work trucks
I am thankful for good conversation
I am thankful for my sisters.
I am thankful for my new tattoo- with my favorite meaning
I am thankful for my smile
I am thankful for my glasses
I am thankful for a friend who lets me sit on her couch, whenever
I am thankful that people can sit on my couch and talk
I am thankful for new high fives
I am thankful for coffee, oh coffee
I am thankful for my Nonna and her bravery
I am thankful for my Nonno and his stories
I am thankful for Birkenstocks and socks
I am thankful for new friends who are passionate about missions.
I am thankful for 'Roll Tide'
I am thankful for the movies
I am thankful for my robe

I am thankful for my life.

This list could go on and on and on. Tonight I sat at the table and talked to my boss/leader about my life. I sat back and thanked Jesus that He chose me to be a part of this ministry. That He allows me to be apart of something so much bigger than myself. This season is one of being thankful and I've been to the point of tears all day because of how thankful I truly am.

the fair | written the other day

I went to the fair last night with new friends. It was easy to say it was the most I'd laughed in sometime. I've not written in a while because my heart has been in other places, over things. However, here I am on a Saturday morning, listening to my Pepaw cut grass outside. He's wearing his denim button up- he's known for that in the fall. Here I am with a  heart that isn't ready to grow up. I want to stay little forever, but that's impossible.

Last night as I walked around the fair, I realized just how much I have grown up. I saw so many people who I haven't seen in years. One of them was the best surprise of all, to see him happy, married and excited about life. His wife is everything I pictured she would be. Perfect for him. I watched people from my past walk by, like they never knew me. I watched people show off their new relationships. Catching up was fast and short lived because of the crowd, but it was nice to hug and speak for just a little bit.

I remember as a little girl I use to look so forward to the fair, like couldn't sleep the night before because I was so excited about it being here. Then it was here and I went every night, along with my best friend. It was expensive and immature, but we loved it. I am not even sure why. I realized last night- that there is no need to go more than once.

I walked around last night and of course studied people. I watched people show off their new babies, their engagement rings, talk about their new exciting jobs. I watched young couples argue, I watched people be polite and some people have no manners at all. I watched people flirt and I watched people meet new friends. I used to buy new clothes just to wear to the fair, because you never knew who you would see. Last night before we left the house we watched Parks and Recs until the very last second. Then I realized that it was time to put my hair up and get out of sweatpants. Last night I walked around and saw girls with the same problem I use to have--comparing themselves to others-- That's an entire blog entry on its on, that may be the next one. But, last night. I walked around fully confident in who I am, laughing at inside jokes and loving time with new friends.

I giggled on the Tilt-A-Whirl, more than normal. Simply because I was continent, but ready to grow. Its my favorite ride and has been forever. Its a classic, its one that has been there forever and it never changes. It stays the same, but while I got on it last night I knew that I wanted my life to be a tiny bit like that-- constant, steady and a classic. But, on the other hand I realized now more than ever that I want my life to change. I could tell last night just how much it already has changed. Life changes people, experiences change people- so of course I've changed. However, I'm ready for more. This was the last National Peanut Festival for a while and I'm thankful for every different season my life has been in while attending the fair.

Twenty One Pilots: lyrical geniuses

I am not sure if this is true, but my opinion.
& this opinion is coming from someone who loves the music industry, I don't know much about it but I do know a little. I do know what back stages are like, I know what tour is like, I know what unloading and reloading a trailer is like. I know what working a merch table is like. I wanted to to be a band manager- I honestly have always wanted to do  it since I was 15, I'm still intrigued by bands and the family that they form on the road. I am fascinated by the fans and by the shows, but mostly I'm taken back by their passion.

In the past week I have been to two different shows, completely different. One was folky and one was punk music. One was for me and the other was for my little sister. I saw Brandi Carlile (maybe I will write about her some other time) --The other was TwentyOne Pilots.

before I start this, know that I am just stating my opinion. If you get upset, please do not be passive or  rude. Ask me questions.

TwentyOne Pilots is the most interesting band I have ever in my entire life encountered. Wednesday about lunchtime, my sister was ready to sit outside of the venue in Atlanta and wait in line for 6 hours because the show was general admission. With that being said, we brought blankets and sat on the ground while we made friends with the other fans who showed up or had been there for 12 hours. Before this show the only time I'd ever listened to this band was on the way to Atlanta the night before, she was excited so we listened to them the entire drive. As I tried to figure out what their lyrics mean or even say, I asked her questions about the band. Camaryn told me all about them and one thing that stood out was that she said they were christians. As I quietly listened to her sing the songs in the car, I wondered if it was true. They hadn't come out to say it in any interviews or lyrics, necessarily. They just talked a lot about dark things battling the light. So I pushed it aside and promised myself that I wouldn't try to figure anything out until after watching them perform.

Back to Wednesday: As we waited in line, I noticed their fans. All very punk rocky fans, they had tall socks, tall converse, colored hair, gauges, tattoos, dark eyeliner and a few even colored their neck and hands black to copy the lead singer, Tyler. I felt out of place, of course I was wearing camouflage vans, a grey t shirt, a flannel and jeans. We got to know the people around us and of course it was a competition to see who knew the band better. Who had taken the most pictures with them or who had seen them the most times. A guy asked me if I had ever seen them live and I shook my head, only for next question to be "what's your favorite song by them?"  --Camaryn then stood up and said, "she brought me here, she doesn't really know their stuff." It was as if I had just told the kid that I hated puppies, he seemed so bothered and when he asked me what I listened to I think my answer was, "shows with seats, folky, acoustic type stuff- Johns my favorite." Needless to say, he didn't know who that was.

I digress, the doors opened and we had our place on the floor. Camaryn seemed to be good with where we were before 'the push'--I'd warned Camaryn about it, I told her that when the opening band plays that there is a push from the back and that I will have her. The first push happened and it was alright, we just couldn't move our hands. The second push happened and I could feel every part of the girls body behind me. Then Twenty One Pilots were about to come on-- we had maybe ten minutes before they took the stage and this push was so bad that my arm was wrapped around Camaryn's waist and I told her not fall, she was able to pick her feet up completely while the crowd took us wherever we ended. It was like being stuck in a rip current. I explained that when the band comes on that it gets worse and being that this is her first ever general admission concert, she wanted to get out of the pit. As I grabbed her hand and was wished luck from the stranger next to me, I promised her that I would get us out of the pit. 45 seconds later I had pushed at least 25 kids who literally said no to me and got my baby sister out of the pit. She ran upstairs and got a seat. We didn't get to sit together, which was a bummer but still okay.

My seat ended up practically backstage,  I could see the crowd as they saw the crowd and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

here's when my opinion comes in.

as I watched this band perform their weird set, I watched the crowd repeat and know every single word to his fast, fast lyrics. I watched them mimic every single move he made and I watched some of the cry as they listened to him play the ukulele and sing loudly. I was perplexed by this-- is that what I look like at shows? A fan looking up at a person that I have glorified on my own? That thought rushed through quickly and I sat down in my seat and leaned over the balcony to watch him walk off and on stage, I watched him as put on a persona before walking back on. Now, I am not saying that this man, these two men, are two different people. I simply saying that Elton John isn't as colorful off stage as he is on -- same with this band. They are real people with real lives and good families. This person that they put on is different than what they are with their families.

I currently have so many thoughts rushing through and trying to grab them and type this is nearly impossible. This band is incredible. It's two dudes, with normal lives and normal dreams. However, their lyrics have saved so many people lives. Before the show ended, they did this really huge number where they get the crowd to sing back at them-- so the house lights come on and you can see everyone in the crowd. I looked at almost every face and thanked Jesus that they were there. But, while I was confused as to why I was thanking Him in that moment-- He answered my question before I could even ask it. This was how He has to keep these kids on this earth-- no it may not be the way we want it to look, it may not be a youth groups or a church retreat, but its two guys who have struggled with depression and they overcame it and their lyrics are beyond anything I've ever heard.

These guys wear masks on stage, weird mask, nonetheless, and they do weird body ticks and they wear certain things, but its how they gained who they are. It's how they got people to listen to them. I'd like to think that the masks mean more than I can even put into words. I think they are hiding behind their insecurities, but a lot hiding to let their fans know that it isn't about them. Before they took their final exit off the stage, their last words are -- "we are twenty-one pilots and so are you."

Here is the mind blowing part of it all.
Most of their lyrics are about Jesus.
And every kid that stands in that crowd and screams them at the top of their lungs, may not know it at the time, but they are screaming a man's journal to his Father. They are screaming thoughts that a guy struggles with daily. But they can relate. People turn their noses up this band because they wear masks and paint their neck and emo kids love them-- but today I did my research.

And I have come to the conclusion that this band is just two men, trying to figure it out and being honest about every single struggle they have. These two guys have helped keep multiple teens in this world, there is not doubt in my mind. Sure, it may be that those teens are glorifying the band-- but I think as they get older and wiser that they will realize that it wasn't the band that kept them from offing themselves, it was two men who weren't scared to be transparent 

Kitchen Sink

Are you searching for purpose?

Then write something, yeah it might be worthless
Then paint something then, it might be wordless
Pointless curses, nonsense verses
You'll see purpose start to surface
No one else is dealing with your demons
Meaning maybe defeating them
Could be the beginning of your meaning, friend.

Doubt 

Don't forget about me,

Don't forget about me,

Even when I doubt you,

I'm no good without you, no, no, no, no, no

Gnawing on the bishops, claw our way up their system,

Repeating simple phrases, someone holy insisted,

I want the markings made on my skin,

To mean something to me again,

Hope you haven't left without me.

Hope you haven't left without me, please.

Johnny Boy 

We all need you now

I will carry all your names and I will carry all your shame
And I will carry all your names and I will carry all your shame
And I will carry all your names and I will carry all your shame

Get up Johnny boy, get up Johnny boy
Get up 'cause the world has left you lying on the ground.
You're my pride and joy, you're my pride and joy.
Get up Johnny boy because we all need you now.

March to the Sea
And hear a voice inside my head:
Follow me instead
Follow me instead
Follow me

Then the wages of war will start
Inside my head with my counterpart
And the emotionless marchers will chant the phrase:
This line's the only way

And then I start down the sand
My eyes are focused on the end of land
But again the voice inside my head says,
Follow me instead
Follow me instead

Addict With a Pen

In fact,

I'm only at it again

As an addict with a pen

Who's addicted to the wind

As it blows me back and forth

Mindless, spineless, and pretend

Of course I'll be here again

See you tomorrow

But it's the end of today

End of my ways

As a walking denial

My trial was filed as a crazy

Suicidal head case

But you specialize in dying

You hear me screaming

Father

And I'm lying here just crying

So wash me with your water

Water

Hello

We haven't talked in quite some time

I know

I haven't been the best

Of sons

Hello

I've been traveling in

The desert of my mind

And I

I haven't found a drop

Of life