A letter from a tired, tired person

some night I feel the need to write, but I have nothing to say. This being one of those nights. I want to say something profound that will make you think about things in life. at least that is the kind of stuff i like reading, but tonight its only 10:23 and I am in bed. I cannot recall the last time I was in the bed this early. I am usually just getting my night started or not planning to call it for at least three more hours, but not tonight. Today my brain quit working at 7pm. I had pizza with the kiddos I am staying with, we played carpet ball and clue. Then about 9:30 we were winding down. It's been a week. I feel like I haven't had three second to breathe and the funny thing is-- everytime I go overseas, I see how powerful their time is. How much they value each minute, each hand shake-- I mean that literally, they will shake your hand for what seems like 4 mintues while they look into your eyes just humming. Its a sign of being in that moment fully. I promise myself everytime I come home that I will slow down and that I will enjoy moments more. Only to come home and get right back to the full fast paced life that I live.

The one where I run here and there and everywhere. The one where I sleep for 6 hours or less because I am 22 and I have previously stated 'you only life once'. Well guess what world, I am tired. I am 22, and I would love to be in bed by 10pm every night. I would also love to blog while I am sitting in bed just like I am at this very moment and next I am going to read for a bit and maybe even fall asleep whle reading my book. I like to be a grandma- it's fun and makes my brain not feel as crazy when I've slept. I enjoy waking up early and drinking coffee in my field. Sure, I want to hang out until wee hours of the morning, but sheesh I can't anymore. I want to write and take pictures of everything. && sometimes I just wanna sit at home and talk to Jesus while I clean and Tony Bennett's record plays in the background. 

Find time for yourself folks. 

finding the good in people

If there is one thing I do not want to do with these posts is offend people. As you have heard me say time and time again, I am human. I have noted on this blog more than enough times that I do fail. My past is something that I touch on often, but it plays a big part in who I am now and who I continue to become each day. With all of this being said-- I am going to touch on two subjects that tend to be ignored often.

Gossip and Judgement
These are two things I have dealt with my entire life. I feel like they are a constant struggle for many people. I use to judge and gossip about people so much. I would judge people for acting differently than I did. As I got older, I realized that the ones who did act differently were the ones who wanted to get out of here and make a difference. This only leading to me judging the ones who didn't. I figured I had grown out of it after graduating, only to start a job where I went right back into the cycle. Except this time it was worse. I was judging and gossiping about everyone-- I needed to know everyones business. I was clueless (still am, really).

It wasn't until I found Jesus, not just on that one trip to Africa, no no it was much later than that. I still struggled with it after that main encounter. It  happened when a friend looked at me in the middle of my rant about someone and said

"wait, will this build this person up or tear this person down?"
"would you say this in front of the person?"

these things use to make me so upset because I never felt like I could vent. I never felt like I could just talk it out. Then I realized awhile later-- that I had a problem. If I felt better after I tore someone else down, I was doing something wrong. I was doing alot of things wrong. I needed to reevaluate. A lot. It had to start with me and with how I perceived a situation with another person. I had to ask myself hard questions. I had to change my prayer. My prayer went from "Jesus, please change this about this person" to "Jesus, let me see them how you see them" -- thats when things get scary.
I didn't think he would do it, but he did. He changed my heart, my view on people, his people.

I've said all of this to get to the idea behind this blog. I just had a very long conversation with a friend about finding the good in people. Okay, so hold on this could be bumpy, but hear me out for just a bit. I teach preschool and I love watching them learn. I love teaching them, but watching them get it is the best part. I watch them while they look up to adults, without any questions asked they trust adults. All you have to do is smile, know their name and ask them to build a house from blocks and you've got them. They love you so quickly and you are now their friend. This is something that I have had the privilege of seeing multiple times. So, I started asking Jesus to allow me to be the same way towards people. To allow me to make friends like the kiddos do.

It took time and practice, honestly. But, I don't really have to search anymore. I just see it. I use to think that the world was a big bunch of messy people (this still remains true) but I have to realize that if Jesus can find the good in me and want to pursue me, why can't I give people the same privilege? I want to see his creation the same way he does. I sometimes imagine him laughing at my attempt to be "nice to a stranger"-- my smile to the homeless man compared to the conversation he would sit down and have with him. I just wanna be more like him- fearless and full of love. He sees the hope we have. I never want to go back to seeing the bad in people before I find the good. He sure doesn't.

guys, there is good in everyone.
sometimes we just have to look a little harder.

Nashville -- you only life once

There are moments in life that you feel like your heart may explode. Moments when you wonder if that moment could be any better? When you feel like your heart could burst because of how excited you are. I had one of those days this past weekend. It all started Saturday morning about 10am. My friend Kasee, whom I wrote about not too long ago, came over to work on things for fundraisers. I could give all of the details, but instead I am going to just jump to the interesting part. Within the hour we were at The Ember Days tour bus picking up three of the guys. The ladies and little babe had their own car and my friends, who also have a band, were coming to pick up the other guys. Kasee and I were headed to Nashville to drop these guys off at their house. 

As the journey started. One thing you have to know about these guys is that half are from New Zealand and half are from America. This called for a wonderful game of questions. We all got to know each other, we laughed, we played our favorite bands and listened to John Mayer for a bit. At some point someone said "whats a road trip without singing along to John Mayer, ey?" As we got into Birmingham-- the guys wanted to stop for coffee. I wasn't really expecting much but a little coffee shop, kind of like Starbucks, what I got blew my mind. It was clean and crisp, if you can even use those words while describing a coffee shop. It had a garage door that was open allowing the fall breeze to fill the coffee shop. It was like you were literally walking into fall.

As our adventure continued there was more getting to know one another, taking pictures of the sunset and a ladies bathroom that had a blanket instead of a door. We arrived in Nashville and had already been invited to their plans for the night-- not sure what our plans were we dropped them off at their place and headed downtown. We both had friends that lived in Nashville, both of which we'd met while on our trips to Africa. We knew that we wanted to see them, but we had no clue where to go. So, we parked the car in a sketchy parking garage paid $5 and started walking towards downtown. We walked for a bit and got to Broadway St.--(this was an adventure within itself) to wait for her friend to pick us up. It was like a movie moment, if you will, we sat on the steps of the Ryman while we waited for the red Jetta to pick us up. The car pulled up in front of the curb and we jumped in. Instantly, I knew this girl and I were kindred spirits. Her car was messy and smelled like a crayon. Her leather jacket and country music was everything opposite of what I expected. She was powerful, you could tell that just by how she greeted the two of us. As we started to get to know one another I learned that she graduated in Social Justice, was currently a nanny and is picking up photography. Her husband was a musician and has a job that brings hope to people in dark places. We drove to midtown where my friend Lindsay, who I wrote about when she visited here recently, met us for dinner. We grabbed a table and talked about how we all knew each other.  Kasee and Lindsay talked about babies (because they are both baby nurses) while Candice and I talked about non-profits. We all talked about boys, bands, and our spontaneous trip.

We decided to stay at Lindsay's house that night and leave early the next morning. Sweet Lindsay took us to the bridge that overlooks the river and the city. We talked about Jesus and how much He showed us His love that random day. We got to Lindsay's house to get the 'grand' tour and then we slept. The next morning, the sunlight shined through the big bay windows and I sat at the bar with two dear friends, coffee and cinnamon rolls. We prayed and then we were on our way home.

The trip home was quiet at first while we processed what all happened in the past 24 hours. Big things and little things. Things like being patted on the back while walking down Broadway, by a stranger. Things like a man walking up randomly to us and saying "you ladies are doing great", A girl driving by -- making a duck face and me waving at her (like an overly excited 4 year old) while shouting I like your bravery. Meeting new friends and seeing old friends. Then we talked about life, we got to know one another better. We shared secrets and laughed about our past. We started talking about past relationships and we drew out where we would be if we were still with them. We thanked Jesus and realize that His timing is perfect in everything.

While we were gone, Kasee didn't have one headache. Kasee got to tell more people her story and got so many more prayers. It's wild to think that if we didn't let Jesus take control of our lives, that trip to Nashville wouldn't have happened. We wouldn't know each other and our lives would be completely different. Its funny what you learn about yourself when you take yourself away from the messy world around you, for just a bit.

I learned that I have more potential then I give myself. I learned that I thrive off of a city. I learned that I also appreciate the country. I learned that I cannot fix things-- but I can be there for people. I learned that I am not afraid to meet a new person. I learned that I am only 22 and I have my entire life ahead of me. I am not perfect. I do not own a planner and I changed my major this past week, I think. I will make mistakes and you will read about them throughout the next few years. As someone said this weekend "you only life once" --

enjoy it. love people. and show Jesus to everyone.