This blog is to my baby sisters. They really aren't babies anymore-- one is in 9th grade and one is a senior. They are growing up. I still remember the days they were born, I can't remember every detail, but I remember when Caroline was born- I was 6, it was Christmas Day and I got a trampoline from Santa that year. My daddy walked me outside to let me jump on it for 3 minutes before we had to leave for the hospital. I remember him holding onto my waist as I jumped because he didn't want me to slip, it was covered in cold dew. My mother stepped onto the back porch and said "it's time" and just like that we loaded into the car and headed to the hospital to await Caroline Julia. I remember seeing her for the first time, I didn't think she was cute. Weren't they supposed to come out looking like baby dolls? Then there was Camaryn Joyce three years later. I remember still getting use to having a toddler running around and it was time for the diapers all over again. I went to school on Halloween, not knowing that I would be checked out by my momma's best friend. I don't remember much about this one, not that I didn't care as much. I just remember clips of the day- like how the hallway at the hospital was decorated and how Nonno handed her to me the first time I got to hold her. I remember her looking the same way as Caroline, even though I was older I was still confused as to why she didn't look like a baby doll.
Watching them grow has been one of my favorite things, from playing outside to hiding in the dryer. We've been together. I lifted a dresser off of you after you thought it was smart to climb it and I have sat in the field with you as you've cried about boys. It's never easy being the older sister. I've cried a lot over you guys, I've sat through a hundred dance competitions and band recitals, I've been to softball games and cheerleading things and I have complained about nearly every one, but the second you have your solo-- my heart quits beating and I'm the first to shout after you're done. I am proud of you for those things, but I'm not writing this to tell you about the past or to tell you how proud you make me to be big your sister. I am writing you this to tell you that you are worth the world. You're getting older and relationships are coming fast, really fast.
You are young, very young and your hearts are easy to please at this age. I remember being in high school, I put all of my faith in a boy. All of it and when he left me, I lost myself, or who I thought I was.
The other day I was in a church in South Carolina. I looked at the youth group, I watched these guys walk in wearing really nice clothes and I watched the girls come in and sit right beside them, of course they were dressed wearing their Sunday best. I watched them during worship and my heart felt heavy. Heavy because their life isn't defined by that, I am not saying that each of them were there for this reason, but they seemed distracted. They seemed to be more focused on the boys next to them, than the man talking about orphans on the stage. I am not judging them because I have been there more times than I care to admit. However, as I watched them I felt what they were feeling. Young girls these days are so afraid to live their own lives, afraid to be single- so they settle. They settle for the young guy who attends church with his great family and wants to be an engineer when he grows up. Their relationship gets serious only leading to the next thing young people go to and just like that-- they've lost themselves.
I was that girl. Afraid to live my life, to do my own thing, to figure out who I was. So I settled for many relationships that did not fulfill what I knew I needed. But I will tell you this, I am not a failure. I am not weak because I am single, I am not going to die alone, I am not ugly, I am not mean, I am not an old cat lady. I am me. I am Callie. I am the one who loves family, who loves kids, who loves her cat, who loves Netflix and loves Jesus. I am the one who is moving to Uganda in five short months. I am the one who loves candles and I talk all the time. Silence makes me uncomfortable, I hum when its too quiet. I love movies, all kinds. I love music, all kinds. I think a lot. a lot.
But on the contrary I am not defined by my singleness. You will not be defined by your singleness. You are strong, you are beautiful, you both have such awesome hearts of service (you may not know it yet), you shine when you're in your element. Your joy radiates a room.
I am telling you these things because the enemy will use anything he can to hold you back from living your life. He will lie, lie, lie to you. Don't fall for it. Don't get caught up in someone who isn't worth you, all of you. Don't get caught up in things that don't deserve your time. I wish I could write you a book based on my mistakes, but those are things you have to learn on your own. I wouldn't be the person I am now if it wasn't for the heartbreak, the love, the real friends, the fake friends, the boys who promised me the world and took it away in one sentence. I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that your husband-- the man you will marry is on his way, he's coming as fast as he can, but he's not coming in his timing-- He's coming in Jesus' timing and that's the best time. He will love you, but he will love Jesus more. He will lead you, lead you in ways you need to be led -- to Jesus. He will let you be you, no matter how messy that is somedays. He will listen to you and he may have words, but he may not and that is okay because he was designed for you.
I can't protect your hearts for you, but I can pray for them daily and I am. Guard them girls. You won't regret it.
With all my love,
Your big sister
No comments:
Post a Comment