catch up.

change is hard.
it always has been and i am convinced that it always will be.

over the next couple of months, LOTS is going to change. LOTS.
some of my very best friends will be moving.
I will be moving into a house.
I will be making a very grown up decision.
I will be making more grown up decisions.
And more grown up decisions.
(very vague, but for good reason.)

I am not writing how I usually do - that because I've lost touch with writing. I still write stories about the people I meet and then they never make it to the computer. I always forget them or don't share them with people and then they disappear.

I still love meeting people.
let me clarify, I do not enjoy meeting people - it makes me nervous and clammy, but once that is gone I love it. I love knowing that they are just as nervous as I am most times.

I hate small talk, but love when conversations get deep really quick.
its one of my favorite things.

I quit school, again. not that its some huge deal. I just was unsure of what I was going after and I put it on the back burner for awhile - I will continue to let the thoughts simmer for a bit. but I refuse to beat myself up for not getting a 4 year degree in something that I am not 100% sure if I truly want to do.

I am a full time employee and I really enjoy it.
some days massaging is hard - its draining for my hands, my forearms and sometimes my brain.
I am convinced that I will be the pickle jar opener in my house someday.

for the first time, ever, I take pride in my job. I want clients to come back to see me and  I want to help them - whether that be just to relax or if they have an actual issue that they need worked.

one of my favorite clients is a very harsh older lady. harsh. the first time I met her it took all of my not to stop in the middle of the massage because of her views on politics. she went on and on and on for the entire hour and said things that I wholeheartedly disagree with and I kept my mouth shut. when the massage was over, I laughed while I washed my hands, because I realized that I loved her. she was harsh because she was herself, not caring what others thought. and I realized then that the world needed more people like her. people who have class, but are still not afraid to tell you their opinions not in a rude or disrespectful way. I want true and honest people. people who have different opinions than me, but respect me enough as a human to listen to my opinion as well.


this blog is a small catch up -
its nothing that is a life lesson or a story about someone who changed my life.
*I have tons of those from my clients. hopefully they will make it to the blog soon.*

here is to these next two weeks where I know I will cry my eyeballs out for multiple reasons.
1. moving my best friends.
2. seeing the Lumineers
3. did I mention moving my best friends?
4. teaching my heart that change is a good thing.

take a hike 2016 - 2017 here is to you

I don't have one specific pictures to describe this year, I've looked and I've tried to find the perfect one - but I am realizing that that does not exist. This year was a different kind of year, I did not care for it too much. I failed a lot and as most of you know I am not scared of failure - to an extent, but I do get nervous when I have to publicly announce my failure. I should be writing this post from my room in Uganda, but I am not. I am writing it from my couch, while Bon Iver plays on the record player and I wear my trusty robe because the party hasn't started yet.

I typically spend days like today daily quiet, I reflect on things and cry at some point. Today was different though, I woke up to a great conversation with my boy in Uganda, I rushed to build something for an event and then I came home to watch football. I haven't cried.. yet. I am not sure if I will. I did laugh a lot while I told funny stories I have had since starting back to work, I laughed and had the room laughing as I acted out the stories in person - I like to think I am funnier in person, my facial expressions and body language seem to sell the story.

I learned a bunch this year, I say that often. I say that too often, we learn things everyday if we allow ourselves. However, I did learn a lot though - I learned what a true friend is. I learn how to accept life going differently than planned. I learned how to say I am sorry. I learned how to forgive, in some senses. I learned how to laugh more. I learned how to curve my anxiety the best I can. I learned how to love and truly love. I learned how to say bye. I learned how to let someone love me. I learned how to be myself in every place - (I said "Roll Tide," in the front lobby of the spa the other day because I was exhausted and my other client was there early - I typically say Roll Tide, when I have nothing else to say. I said this in a crowded room and got blank stares and giggles because they had no clue what to think) I learned how to meet new people. I learned how to be okay with being okay. I learned how to truly feel and embrace my emotions. I learned how to be more vulnerable. I learned how to try new things and be honest when I do not like them. I learned how to live in another country. I learned how to accept not staying. I learned how to say no, when I wanted to scream yes. I learned a tiny-tiny bit more patience. I learned some Spanish words. I learned how to eat ice cream when crap hits the fan. I learned how to accept deadlines and how to avoid them. I learned how to teach. I learned how to learn. I learned how to commit. I learned that I need to commit more.


I do not know what 2017 holds.
I do know that right now I have a good job because I finally quit running from an opportunity that was right in front of me. I do know that I have someone special who has been there for me and with me for awhile now, awhile. I do know that I have a solid family who stands beside me in every adventure I embark on. I do know that I have a cat, who is a bed hog. I do know that my dog is probably pregnant, so I guess that mean 2017 will make me a grandma to pups. I do know that I am thankful for this year, even though it was really high highs and really low lows. I do know that I want to write more. I do know that this seamster will be tough. I do know that I finished a math class that took me 5 semester because I never committed to the idea of finishing my education. I do know that I am going to enjoy tonight with my family and my FaceTime date with my mexican later. I do know that I am going to enjoy every single second thrown my way and not wish them away because yesterday my sister got married, but really it was a year ago. I do know that music is good and coffee is the best thing created. I do know that Jesus loves me and chooses me. I do know that he is with me and fighting battles that I cannot even see.

I am loved.
I am learning.
I am here.


Here is to you, 2017.
Grandpups, ready to meet you.

catching up and keeping promises.

I quit writing awhile back. I promised myself that I would not quit writing and that I would keep people up to date about my life, my struggles, and my different seasons. And here I am telling you the readers that I stopped writing. I stopped journaling, I stopped thinking like a writer and those were my favorite things.

I am not going to blame anyone in this situation besides myself. Its not fair. But, I need to be honest  -  being honest is not easy. It never is.
_________________________

Word on the street is that I am known as a flight risk. I get it, what you see on social media only shows the good side of my life, it only shows the good pictures, the funny statuses - I'd like to think they are pretty funny, but then again I laugh at my own jokes more times than not. So, as many of you have seen my travels and my job opportunities, you automatically assume that I am flighty. However, there is so much more behind the posed social media post.

I guess this is where I tell you a little about it -

I ran from Uganda. It got hard and I moved home. Why? Because I let the enemy completely steal every single bit of joy that I had in my being. I cried myself to sleep every single night because I was scared that someone was going to get me. I thought that life outside of people giving death stares or people stealing phones would be nicer. I was scared every single second of every single day. So I moved home, I moved home because my thoughts left me. I was no longer in control of my thoughts. I could not stop them.  I would wake up, get dressed, get in the car to head to the office and within the first 5 minutes of the car ride - my brain made me think that an earthquake would happen and I would be separated from everyone that I knew, my phone would go missing and I would be lost - forever. You see, I could not stop those scenarios.

I did what I thought was best, I moved back to Dothan, thinking that things would get better that the fear would vanish. I laugh now because its been months and  it didn't just vanish. I moved back into my parents house and I would not let my best friend leave my side. On my birthday I finally decided to leave my house, I'd been home for 10 days. I left my house to go do other things for people and get my mind off the terrible, terrible scenarios that left me stuck in bed - but no matter how many smiles I got, or phone calls, or texts I still only imagined myself crawling back into bed. Thats just what I did, on my 24th birthday I crawled into bed at 3pm and stayed there all night. My mom came into check on me and I told her that I wanted to go home, I was home - but I meant home, like heaven - home. I told her that I was too scared to try and live life anymore and that I needed to be with Jesus.
I haven't written this out because I haven't known how. I can only imagine how my mother felt the day I told her I didn't want to live on earth anymore. I told her I wanted to throw all away because of my fear.

I didn't. Instead I saw a counselor.

And she told me that I had PTSD, that I never let myself understand that I lived in Uganda, so when I jokingly told myself, "this is not my life," my brain actually started believing that this was not my life. And that is when the fear creeped in. I told her about how I went to Italy with my family and how I wanted so badly to relive that trip because I was not there, I was in my head. I do not remember that trip, I only remember pieces. I remember being sick the entire time because I wasn't sure how to process my fear. She told me that day that she was not worried about me. She said, she could tell by how I was answering my own questions that I would be okay. I did not really believe her because I knew my thoughts when I was alone and I knew that I had felt with this for quite sometime. I went home, knowing that maybe I would be okay someday, but just not sure when - I figured that this would be something I would carry for the next 5 years and then get over it, eventually. I was okay with it being the new me. I had to come to grips with it.

Here we are -5 months later and I can honestly tell you that I cannot go into that back bedroom at my parents house without crying, because of how dark I was then. Do you know when something happens and you remember it? You remember your first break up or a phone call you never want - you remember exactly where you were and you avoid that spot at all cost. That is how I am with that back bedroom. Of course I go in there to put towels up or open the blinds (I sound like Amelia Bedelia) and now I thank Jesus every time because I know that HE is the only reason I was pulled out of the pit.

This past year has been a wild one, I moved to Uganda. I moved home due to depression, I overcame depression, I became a college student again, I got multiple part time jobs and then I went to Uganda for a short visit, I have a boyfriend (thats a new thing, for another blog), I got use to meeting strangers, I adopted a child in my heart, and I walked through the darkest season, yet.

I am not going to pretend to have it all together, I never do.
I am a flight risk, sure. We can say that.
I do not know what my life will look like next year - but who does?

But I know that I faced fears when I went back to Uganda this past month. I know that I literally FOUGHT the enemy to get back there. I went with two incredible friends and I was greeted at the airport by someone special, whom I surprised, might I add. I went in the slum and taught girls about being girls, I watched my two best friends host medical clinics, I loved on my little boy and I ate too much ice cream with my guy. I laughed a lot, I cried some too. I spent time with my roommate, I ate dinner with a big family, I rode in the car with the windows down, I laughed more, I sang terribly, I saw wild animals on a safari and I went to Gulu (blog coming) -