take a hike 2016 - 2017 here is to you

I don't have one specific pictures to describe this year, I've looked and I've tried to find the perfect one - but I am realizing that that does not exist. This year was a different kind of year, I did not care for it too much. I failed a lot and as most of you know I am not scared of failure - to an extent, but I do get nervous when I have to publicly announce my failure. I should be writing this post from my room in Uganda, but I am not. I am writing it from my couch, while Bon Iver plays on the record player and I wear my trusty robe because the party hasn't started yet.

I typically spend days like today daily quiet, I reflect on things and cry at some point. Today was different though, I woke up to a great conversation with my boy in Uganda, I rushed to build something for an event and then I came home to watch football. I haven't cried.. yet. I am not sure if I will. I did laugh a lot while I told funny stories I have had since starting back to work, I laughed and had the room laughing as I acted out the stories in person - I like to think I am funnier in person, my facial expressions and body language seem to sell the story.

I learned a bunch this year, I say that often. I say that too often, we learn things everyday if we allow ourselves. However, I did learn a lot though - I learned what a true friend is. I learn how to accept life going differently than planned. I learned how to say I am sorry. I learned how to forgive, in some senses. I learned how to laugh more. I learned how to curve my anxiety the best I can. I learned how to love and truly love. I learned how to say bye. I learned how to let someone love me. I learned how to be myself in every place - (I said "Roll Tide," in the front lobby of the spa the other day because I was exhausted and my other client was there early - I typically say Roll Tide, when I have nothing else to say. I said this in a crowded room and got blank stares and giggles because they had no clue what to think) I learned how to meet new people. I learned how to be okay with being okay. I learned how to truly feel and embrace my emotions. I learned how to be more vulnerable. I learned how to try new things and be honest when I do not like them. I learned how to live in another country. I learned how to accept not staying. I learned how to say no, when I wanted to scream yes. I learned a tiny-tiny bit more patience. I learned some Spanish words. I learned how to eat ice cream when crap hits the fan. I learned how to accept deadlines and how to avoid them. I learned how to teach. I learned how to learn. I learned how to commit. I learned that I need to commit more.


I do not know what 2017 holds.
I do know that right now I have a good job because I finally quit running from an opportunity that was right in front of me. I do know that I have someone special who has been there for me and with me for awhile now, awhile. I do know that I have a solid family who stands beside me in every adventure I embark on. I do know that I have a cat, who is a bed hog. I do know that my dog is probably pregnant, so I guess that mean 2017 will make me a grandma to pups. I do know that I am thankful for this year, even though it was really high highs and really low lows. I do know that I want to write more. I do know that this seamster will be tough. I do know that I finished a math class that took me 5 semester because I never committed to the idea of finishing my education. I do know that I am going to enjoy tonight with my family and my FaceTime date with my mexican later. I do know that I am going to enjoy every single second thrown my way and not wish them away because yesterday my sister got married, but really it was a year ago. I do know that music is good and coffee is the best thing created. I do know that Jesus loves me and chooses me. I do know that he is with me and fighting battles that I cannot even see.

I am loved.
I am learning.
I am here.


Here is to you, 2017.
Grandpups, ready to meet you.

catching up and keeping promises.

I quit writing awhile back. I promised myself that I would not quit writing and that I would keep people up to date about my life, my struggles, and my different seasons. And here I am telling you the readers that I stopped writing. I stopped journaling, I stopped thinking like a writer and those were my favorite things.

I am not going to blame anyone in this situation besides myself. Its not fair. But, I need to be honest  -  being honest is not easy. It never is.
_________________________

Word on the street is that I am known as a flight risk. I get it, what you see on social media only shows the good side of my life, it only shows the good pictures, the funny statuses - I'd like to think they are pretty funny, but then again I laugh at my own jokes more times than not. So, as many of you have seen my travels and my job opportunities, you automatically assume that I am flighty. However, there is so much more behind the posed social media post.

I guess this is where I tell you a little about it -

I ran from Uganda. It got hard and I moved home. Why? Because I let the enemy completely steal every single bit of joy that I had in my being. I cried myself to sleep every single night because I was scared that someone was going to get me. I thought that life outside of people giving death stares or people stealing phones would be nicer. I was scared every single second of every single day. So I moved home, I moved home because my thoughts left me. I was no longer in control of my thoughts. I could not stop them.  I would wake up, get dressed, get in the car to head to the office and within the first 5 minutes of the car ride - my brain made me think that an earthquake would happen and I would be separated from everyone that I knew, my phone would go missing and I would be lost - forever. You see, I could not stop those scenarios.

I did what I thought was best, I moved back to Dothan, thinking that things would get better that the fear would vanish. I laugh now because its been months and  it didn't just vanish. I moved back into my parents house and I would not let my best friend leave my side. On my birthday I finally decided to leave my house, I'd been home for 10 days. I left my house to go do other things for people and get my mind off the terrible, terrible scenarios that left me stuck in bed - but no matter how many smiles I got, or phone calls, or texts I still only imagined myself crawling back into bed. Thats just what I did, on my 24th birthday I crawled into bed at 3pm and stayed there all night. My mom came into check on me and I told her that I wanted to go home, I was home - but I meant home, like heaven - home. I told her that I was too scared to try and live life anymore and that I needed to be with Jesus.
I haven't written this out because I haven't known how. I can only imagine how my mother felt the day I told her I didn't want to live on earth anymore. I told her I wanted to throw all away because of my fear.

I didn't. Instead I saw a counselor.

And she told me that I had PTSD, that I never let myself understand that I lived in Uganda, so when I jokingly told myself, "this is not my life," my brain actually started believing that this was not my life. And that is when the fear creeped in. I told her about how I went to Italy with my family and how I wanted so badly to relive that trip because I was not there, I was in my head. I do not remember that trip, I only remember pieces. I remember being sick the entire time because I wasn't sure how to process my fear. She told me that day that she was not worried about me. She said, she could tell by how I was answering my own questions that I would be okay. I did not really believe her because I knew my thoughts when I was alone and I knew that I had felt with this for quite sometime. I went home, knowing that maybe I would be okay someday, but just not sure when - I figured that this would be something I would carry for the next 5 years and then get over it, eventually. I was okay with it being the new me. I had to come to grips with it.

Here we are -5 months later and I can honestly tell you that I cannot go into that back bedroom at my parents house without crying, because of how dark I was then. Do you know when something happens and you remember it? You remember your first break up or a phone call you never want - you remember exactly where you were and you avoid that spot at all cost. That is how I am with that back bedroom. Of course I go in there to put towels up or open the blinds (I sound like Amelia Bedelia) and now I thank Jesus every time because I know that HE is the only reason I was pulled out of the pit.

This past year has been a wild one, I moved to Uganda. I moved home due to depression, I overcame depression, I became a college student again, I got multiple part time jobs and then I went to Uganda for a short visit, I have a boyfriend (thats a new thing, for another blog), I got use to meeting strangers, I adopted a child in my heart, and I walked through the darkest season, yet.

I am not going to pretend to have it all together, I never do.
I am a flight risk, sure. We can say that.
I do not know what my life will look like next year - but who does?

But I know that I faced fears when I went back to Uganda this past month. I know that I literally FOUGHT the enemy to get back there. I went with two incredible friends and I was greeted at the airport by someone special, whom I surprised, might I add. I went in the slum and taught girls about being girls, I watched my two best friends host medical clinics, I loved on my little boy and I ate too much ice cream with my guy. I laughed a lot, I cried some too. I spent time with my roommate, I ate dinner with a big family, I rode in the car with the windows down, I laughed more, I sang terribly, I saw wild animals on a safari and I went to Gulu (blog coming) -

tap into your creative side | written 2 weeks ago

Tonight I was leaving my friends apartment and saw a person through a window of his upstairs apartment, there were string lights all around the apartment and the guy seemed to be working at his desk, in my mind he was listening to Explosions in the Sky and drawing at his desk. I imagined he was being creative and fully pushing into the creative side of his brain that is often stolen due to day to day events. I gave him a back story on my way home, I created this story, that he (this stranger) I only saw for two seconds - was never understood in his teen years and he went to art as an outlet, I think we need that in our lives. I think our brains crave those creative outlets -

Side story: When I was in Uganda I did not really have a creative outlet, finding paint was impossible and my record player broke. I did not have a media team or a writing class. I had my computer and my camera, which was great, but that was partially a job - I never got to see art right in my face. I did not realize how much I missed it until I was in Italy, I was struggling with so many things - but as I walked past a little art museum hidden in a wall full of greenery, I stopped in my tracks to see the beauty that was the painting. I walked inside and cried as I stared at the piece. I literally cried. I had not seen anything like it in so long and my body needed that release, I still cry when I look at the waiting because in that moment, things clicked. Things made sense.

Today I had coffee with a friend who I appreciate so much, so much. He is creative and sometimes is too honest, but he will tell you that - he listens very well and has an awesome taste in music. Today during coffee I talked about this city, I talked about how much it needed people who thought outside the box to stick around. I talked about how I have fought with this city for years now, I never wanted to stay - I was always looking for my way out, my next big move and recently I have found a love for this city. Maybe not a love I have for cities that have awesome bookstores, breweries or coffee shops, but I see the potential here.

I naturally try to be a fixer- its shown true in all of my past relationships (disclaimer: this is in no way degrading the people I had relationships with) I always tried to involve myself in issues that needed to be solved, so here I am in 2016, back in my hometown and not sure what to do. I am have found myself in the mayors office for meetings, I have talked with a lady who is over downtown and I am a part of a team that spreads good vibes around the city though social media. I am also a college student, trying to created a college atmosphere. I am here trying to, 'fix' things - bridge gaps.

Do I want to be in Tennessee in the mountains? yes.
Will that desire grow more as it gets cooler outside? yes.
But will I try to remind myself that I am here for a reason? maybe.

Somedays  I will let the idea of a loft in a city, while I run a non profit and blog from a super trendy coffee shop will interrupt my daily living here - but I know that for now I am going to give this town all my creative juices. I am going to focus on trying to put together a community of people my age, who don't have degree just yet, of people who are creative but are not sure where to share their creativity. I am going to serve the homeless and the less fortunate because they deserve just as much love as my family members.

I am here.
& trying to rest the best I can in this season.