calling

I had a friend once who obsessed over the phase, "God's calling on my life. " I obsessed about it so much during our friendship and two years after that it made me a very anxious person. I was so scared to step outside of what God was calling me to do, that I literally didn't do anything. I just sat, literally sat on my comfort couch, this is what one of my dear friends called it. I remember the day I got rid of my comfort couch, it held too many negative memories. I sat her by the street with a note that read, "she was a good couch."  Someone picked her up within 10 mins. I cried a little bit because me getting rid of that couch was much more than just getting rid of some old, torn couch. This was monumental in my life. This meant that I had to do something. I could no longer stay on my couch watching New Girl and wishing for a better life or a better calling. I had to figure out who I was for myself.

I don't remember the exact timeline of everything. But I started back to college again, one thing you must know is that I am terrible student when it comes to college things. I dropped out fast than John Mayer dumped his girlfriends. I was in school and my parents were hosting the children's choir from Uganda. I knew it was going to be such a special time because I knew the Ugandan culture. It was a blast. It changed my life. I joined their tour. I said, "yes." I did this by myself. I did this alone. This, "yes" was the very first time that I said yes to something without asking a friend or a boyfriend. Mainly a boyfriend. I did it. The first night I cried myself to sleep because I was sleeping in a blow up mattress, in a baby nursery in a strangers home. Honestly, who wouldn't cry - but for real, I had to adjust to my, "yes." This was my first step to trying to figure out my calling. Sure, I was scared. I was scared of what people would say when they found out that I dropped out of school to join a children's choir. But, I got over that shortly after. When you have 18 kids saying, "Auntie" all day, you forget about a lot of things quickly.

Fast forward three weeks and we are in Spartanburg, South Carolina. I hated South Carolina, it was entirely too hot. It was humid and it was just hot. The kids loved the church, I loved the church. This is where I heard about a guy moving his family to Uganda. I remember exactly where I was standing when I found out. (Not knowing that this house, the exact room I was in would be my room for a season a year later.) I remember something clicking inside me. I remember thinking that I could go with them, but I didn't know them. I met them all the next day, the entire Benjamin House team. I heard about a guy who was giving up his US visa status to move and I thought that was a huge commitment. I battled with that for awhile because I knew that these people knew their calling and I still did not. I had no clue.

Weeks past and for some odd reason I kept thinking about moving to Uganda with these people I had just met. I kept freaking out about the idea, but the idea would keep coming back. I would ask Jho, one of the Ugandan chaperones, "What do you see me doing with my life? What do you think my calling is?" I would ask him literally all the time. He would bring up some scripture and tell me to get a grip, I would figure it out. It was all out of love of course.

Fast Forward a month later and I am in Knoxville, Tennessee. I took the van to a book store (it was my tour thing) and on the way back I put the windows down, I processed and I felt free in that exact moment. I remember it like it was yesterday. All of the things that defined me previously, bad relationships, "my calling," religion, all of that did not matter anymore. I was free, I was free to make a decision. I was free to try and figure out what my calling truly was. You'd think that it would have been written in the clouds, it wasn't. But, I knew that I was free to make a decision.

The next city we visited, I told a friend that I was moving to Uganda with the Benjamin House team. I felt it in my bones that I as supposed to. I called my mother, she picked up the phone crying and said, "I know what you're about to tell me and I think its wonderful, but I need a little time to process." I HAD NOT EVEN TOLD HER ABOUT BENJAMIN HOUSE. The Lord told my mama before I even could. Talk about wild?!

Tour ended. I moved to Uganda. I felt at peace, but I knew deep, deep down that it wasn't forever. It wasn't. I moved home 5 months later and left dear friends behind. I had to move home for my mental health. I wasn't scared to move home. I wasn't really scared of failure. I was still just so scared that I would never find my calling. I loved being in Uganda, I loved the children in the slum, I loved teaching the mamas English with my roommate. I loved my sweet Ugandan roommate. But I knew I did not belong there in that season.

I moved home and said I would go back to school to teach English, this was my, "new calling." I think I started the semester and it ended quickly. I finished the semester but knew that wasn't what I truly wanted to do. I missed my friend in Uganda, the one who gave up his US visa to move. I missed him deeply. I called him one day out of the blue. I had not talked to him in 3 months, every emotion came rushing to me, something clicked. I knew I loved him. I told him the week later and we were married shortly after. He moved home because the Lord allowed him to be approved for a 10 year visitors visa.

We got married. I was working as a massage therapist (I have been one since 2011, I go back to it sometimes.) I knew it wasn't my calling, but I loved my clients. I loved my co-workers and I loved my bosses. Alejandro was working at FedEx. He loves the race of the day, seeing how fast he could get done. We were getting use to being married. We loved each other so well, we still do. We were focused on being a husband and wife.


Then we started a taco truck. I love the taco truck, Alejandro knows that this is part of his calling. He knows that this will be with us as long as the Lord allows. I love the people we serve, I love the places we set up, I love the food.

Then we met our baby boy. On May 13th, we got word that a baby boy was born. On May 14th, we found out that we were chosen to be his parents. I thought there would be a magical moment where everything clicks, there wasn't. I was pretty numb because of everything that had happened 3 days before with the failed match.

However, when I met our baby boy.

It clicked.

I felt part of my calling. I felt the feeling I felt when I said, "I do." to Alejandro. I felt the feeling I felt when I said my first yes to join tour. I felt the feeling I felt when I said yes to moving to Uganda. I felt the feeling I felt when we started our food truck. Thats the thing about, "my calling" - I don't think its supposed to be this one thing for the rest of my life. I think it's simple. We are called to love God and love people. I'd like to think I do those thing pretty well. Sure, I don't know what the next 5 years hold. I don't know what the year 2020 holds, but I know this - I am called


I am called to love the Lord with my whole heart.
I am called to be a wife.
I am called to be a mother.
I am called to love others.
I am called to run a taco truck behind the scenes.
I am called to treat every human equal.
I am called to tell our story.
I am called to things bigger than myself.
I am called to trust.
I am called to not fear.

I am called to be patient.
I am called to say, yes sometimes and no others.
I am called to be a daughter.
I am called to be a sister.


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Finding Balance

I have been talking about becoming more of a minimalist for quiet sometime now. I think I finally took the plunge. I have one box of journals from over the years, a few dvds that I can't seem to get rid of and a ton of Christmas decorations, but other than that I have things that I use. I have not gone through my craft closet yet. That will come soon enough.

I hate throwing stuff out, I hate it. When I get rid go things its a battle of who I was when I threw the thing in the dump and who I was when I bought the thing years ago. There is never an in-between. Paperwork and cards are HARD. I just put most of my old cards on the burn pile, its not that I dont love them and the sentiment that came with them. Its just simply that I dont read them, I have no reason to. I've read them multiple times. I know who sent them and I know that they love us. Currently, my heart is racing as if I have some attachment to the cards. Like I did something wrong. This is not a right feeling. When I go to Heaven, those cards will not be traveling with me. That is a sentence I have said to myself over and over.

In this new season, I am trying to find BALANCE. In everything, yes, I still spend entirely too much time scrolling my phone and not enough time reading. I bake things before I clean my living room and I lay down to take naps before I do the dishes. I am working toward things. I am trying to find more natural things to put on my body, but have not made the same decision about what I put in my body. I still eat fried foods and sugars, but I am trying natural deodorants. Its a baby step process.


My life looks differently than I imagined years ago. You know that question, "where do you see yourself in 5 years?" It is funny to look back on that now. I never would have imagined being here. EVER. But I am and I do not mind it. I am learning how to say, "no" to somethings and be honest in everything. I am trying to remind myself that things go away, material things go away. I am also trying to remember that friendship change, its just how life works.

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This is a different season, I am trying to be kind to people, strangers, friends, and family. Like seriously be kind. I have a friend that calls me out when I fake smile. Its necessary because I do that too often. I am currently trying to teach my mom to not be sorry for her opinion. Sweet Amy, she will share her opinion, knowing that it doesn't line up with yours and then finish the statement with, "I am sorry, thats just my opinion." That is important, don't be sorry for it. Be graceful with your opinion, but not sorry.  I don't want to tell people things I don't mean, I use to be the worst about it.

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things I live by.

say what you mean.
clean out your house/car/barn/garage. you will feel better.
love the Lord.
don't bash other peoples beliefs.
don't bash how people parent.
don't judge people.
be kind to people.
don't be sorry for your opinion.
don't be scared to say no.
don't be scared to say yes.
don't hold onto things.
don't be worried about what people think.
bake things.
make things.
light candles.
don't have fake friends.
don't hold grudges.
a new notebook is one of the best feelings.
if someone is copying things you did/do, good. let it be a challenge or compliment.
don't go to bed mad, you will only have nightmares.
support small businesses.
dont fake smile.

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I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. -Maya Angelou

I'm a Child of God, Yes I am

We have another blog that we are supposed to use for adoption updates, well not supposed to I mean we just said that we would use that one. But this one feels like home to me, this one is one that I started when I was in a completely different season of life - a season where this chapter seemed so far away, but now I am here and going back to read old post makes me giggle because I can hear God so much in my own words, I can hear Him in the periods behind sentences, telling me to, ' be calm.' He did have me and He does have me. I think that is something that I heard over and over this weekend.

We had a worship night with our church and another local church Sunday night and WOW, God showed up and showed out. I told Alejandro the other day that one song that resonates so deeply with me right now, is -'Who You Say I Am' but Hillsong. Amber, who is on our worship team at church and pregnant with twins sings it from the bottom of her heart and I feel it in my bones. I cried when she sang it a couple weeks ago and told Alejandro that I wanted it to be written on a sign for a babies room -  "In my fathers house theres a place for me, I'm a child of God, yes I am." Over the weekend it played twice and both times, I knew it was for me. I knew it was the Lord telling me to, 'just trust Him.'  The first time was Saturday morning at 7:30am. We serve at the Harbor on Saturday mornings, we wanted to cook pancakes on the food truck - we got home at midnight from Foster Fest and decided that the grill wouldn't work for the pancakes so we got up at 5am to cook 240 pancakes on griddles and the stovetop. It was fun to see us work as zombies in the kitchen while one of our pups was licking up the things we dropped on the floor and the other one was still asleep (a girl after my own heart.)  I was discouraged when we got to the Harbor because I thought there would be more volunteers and I was just so tired, I got over it quickly when I saw who was there and how willing and ready they were to serve. We all started Harbor orientation for the day and they played our babies song. I knew then that I was where I was supposed to be. Then Sunday night rolled around and we did the worship night, I have never been so pumped for Heaven. Amber sang this song and it all happened again - its an overwhelming joy feeling - you know the one that makes you giggle while you have tears streaming down your face. 

Many of you know we are adopting, we are working hard to fundraise and we have been overwhelmed by the support we have been given. We started a food truck to help us fundraise - a food truck is so much fun and so tiring all in the same breath. We have done multiple events and every time we are set up, I hear at least one person say, "I saw that you guys are doing this for your adoption so we came out just to support you guys." 

Right now we are in the part in the process that I have read about on blogs and been told about - we are antsy, a little bit. I think about our baby multiple times a day. I think that the long nights prepping and early mornings rising for food truck days are preparing us for a baby. I have dreams about our baby. I pray for our baby's birth mother. We talk about what we will name our baby. We talk about what they will look like. We talk about what their room will look like. We are trying to decide what step to take - we know that a consult would be good, but we know it adds more money to the cost. We know an agency would be good. but some don't work with parents who aren't both US citizens and some won't work with couples unless they deal with infertility. 

Our dream with adoption is to stand in the gap for a mama who cannot afford to take care of her baby. A mama who is willing to put her heart aside and understand that her baby needs a home life outside of the cycle. We are applying fro grants, we are researching consultants and agencies daily. 

We are thankful. We are antsy. We are ready. We are praying. We are fundraising. We are researching. We are excited. We are nervous. We are thankful, again.


Heres an old blog post for 2014:
https://alifethatisnolongermine.blogspot.com/2014/07/adoption.html