don't sweat the little stuff

 This post has been a long time coming. I quit writing awhile back because I couldn't find the time, honestly. I still wrote things in my head everyday and would sometimes write on social media platforms, but would never allow myself time to write on here. This blog has been with me since 2013, maybe. If you looked back you would find all of my secrets. I mean not really, but you would be able to tell what I was going through in each season. I tried looking back awhile ago and laughed and cried, then laughed some more. Just because the blogs I wrote then were really meaningful then, but they are still punching me in the gut now. 

A couple months ago while listening to a podcast, I heard someone say - 

 you are never as passionate as you are at the age of 22.

And nothing has ever made more sense. I have spent most of my late 20s chasing after that feeling, chasing after the girl who was on fire for things. So passionate that she was a force to be reckoned with. I have spent so much time trying to win her back. I mean she truly was fearless. She went to Africa every summer without hesitation, got baptized in the Nile river without thinking about the parasites. She traveled around the States staying in strangers homes. She truly was fearless. 

Now she is 28, a wife and a mother. She is me if you haven't picked up on that yet. & I find myself more scared now than ever before. I wonder where the fear came from, but the only thing I can trace it back to was moving to Uganda. I cannot wrap my mind around why it happened or why I am the way I am now. Its really not a fun place to be, to be scared of the craziest things. 

I can create a wild scenario in 2 mins flat. I can fall asleep on demand, its a defense mechanism I created to handle the fear.I cannot get in an elevator without my palms sweating. 

This list could go on and on. If you met me you wouldn't know I was scared of so many things - until I started making jokes about how I fall asleep on demand when I am scared or make dumb jokes to laugh off the fear while stepping into an elevator. When I am nervous I talk louder, according or my husband. Or I am scanning the area like Maggie from FBI, waiting to catch someone. 

However, I do not want to be this anymore. I do not want to live in fear. I want to feel like I did at 22, granted I know that won't really come back fully because -who are we kidding - I was single, with no bills and lived by the saying. 'why not.' But I promised myself that this year I would do something every week that scares me a little bit because that is how I get rid of this beast on my back. I do not mean skydiving. I simply mean riding in an elevator alone. Driving down the interstate in a thunderstorm. Normal everyday things that make me a tiny bit nervous. 

I think the wildest thing about all of this and that I know hard things are worth it. I know that I do things and then look back and I am shocked that I did it. I seem to be able to do the big things for some reason. I can adopt a child, I can move states, I can walk through a disrupted match. I can go months into national pandemic without a single anxious thought (I did this and I am still not sure how. Maybe it was Tiger King or TikTok, but y'all. I never panicked about Covid - I mean duh I have since, but the first panic about it was last month.) I can do all of this because I knew that Jesus was with me. Like I knew I was not walking alone. 

But man, the tiny things. I always sweat the tiny things. 

and as my dad always says, 'don't sweat the little stuff.'

So here is to my year of not sweating the little stuff. 

calling

I had a friend once who obsessed over the phase, "God's calling on my life. " I obsessed about it so much during our friendship and two years after that it made me a very anxious person. I was so scared to step outside of what God was calling me to do, that I literally didn't do anything. I just sat, literally sat on my comfort couch, this is what one of my dear friends called it. I remember the day I got rid of my comfort couch, it held too many negative memories. I sat her by the street with a note that read, "she was a good couch."  Someone picked her up within 10 mins. I cried a little bit because me getting rid of that couch was much more than just getting rid of some old, torn couch. This was monumental in my life. This meant that I had to do something. I could no longer stay on my couch watching New Girl and wishing for a better life or a better calling. I had to figure out who I was for myself.

I don't remember the exact timeline of everything. But I started back to college again, one thing you must know is that I am terrible student when it comes to college things. I dropped out fast than John Mayer dumped his girlfriends. I was in school and my parents were hosting the children's choir from Uganda. I knew it was going to be such a special time because I knew the Ugandan culture. It was a blast. It changed my life. I joined their tour. I said, "yes." I did this by myself. I did this alone. This, "yes" was the very first time that I said yes to something without asking a friend or a boyfriend. Mainly a boyfriend. I did it. The first night I cried myself to sleep because I was sleeping in a blow up mattress, in a baby nursery in a strangers home. Honestly, who wouldn't cry - but for real, I had to adjust to my, "yes." This was my first step to trying to figure out my calling. Sure, I was scared. I was scared of what people would say when they found out that I dropped out of school to join a children's choir. But, I got over that shortly after. When you have 18 kids saying, "Auntie" all day, you forget about a lot of things quickly.

Fast forward three weeks and we are in Spartanburg, South Carolina. I hated South Carolina, it was entirely too hot. It was humid and it was just hot. The kids loved the church, I loved the church. This is where I heard about a guy moving his family to Uganda. I remember exactly where I was standing when I found out. (Not knowing that this house, the exact room I was in would be my room for a season a year later.) I remember something clicking inside me. I remember thinking that I could go with them, but I didn't know them. I met them all the next day, the entire Benjamin House team. I heard about a guy who was giving up his US visa status to move and I thought that was a huge commitment. I battled with that for awhile because I knew that these people knew their calling and I still did not. I had no clue.

Weeks past and for some odd reason I kept thinking about moving to Uganda with these people I had just met. I kept freaking out about the idea, but the idea would keep coming back. I would ask Jho, one of the Ugandan chaperones, "What do you see me doing with my life? What do you think my calling is?" I would ask him literally all the time. He would bring up some scripture and tell me to get a grip, I would figure it out. It was all out of love of course.

Fast Forward a month later and I am in Knoxville, Tennessee. I took the van to a book store (it was my tour thing) and on the way back I put the windows down, I processed and I felt free in that exact moment. I remember it like it was yesterday. All of the things that defined me previously, bad relationships, "my calling," religion, all of that did not matter anymore. I was free, I was free to make a decision. I was free to try and figure out what my calling truly was. You'd think that it would have been written in the clouds, it wasn't. But, I knew that I was free to make a decision.

The next city we visited, I told a friend that I was moving to Uganda with the Benjamin House team. I felt it in my bones that I as supposed to. I called my mother, she picked up the phone crying and said, "I know what you're about to tell me and I think its wonderful, but I need a little time to process." I HAD NOT EVEN TOLD HER ABOUT BENJAMIN HOUSE. The Lord told my mama before I even could. Talk about wild?!

Tour ended. I moved to Uganda. I felt at peace, but I knew deep, deep down that it wasn't forever. It wasn't. I moved home 5 months later and left dear friends behind. I had to move home for my mental health. I wasn't scared to move home. I wasn't really scared of failure. I was still just so scared that I would never find my calling. I loved being in Uganda, I loved the children in the slum, I loved teaching the mamas English with my roommate. I loved my sweet Ugandan roommate. But I knew I did not belong there in that season.

I moved home and said I would go back to school to teach English, this was my, "new calling." I think I started the semester and it ended quickly. I finished the semester but knew that wasn't what I truly wanted to do. I missed my friend in Uganda, the one who gave up his US visa to move. I missed him deeply. I called him one day out of the blue. I had not talked to him in 3 months, every emotion came rushing to me, something clicked. I knew I loved him. I told him the week later and we were married shortly after. He moved home because the Lord allowed him to be approved for a 10 year visitors visa.

We got married. I was working as a massage therapist (I have been one since 2011, I go back to it sometimes.) I knew it wasn't my calling, but I loved my clients. I loved my co-workers and I loved my bosses. Alejandro was working at FedEx. He loves the race of the day, seeing how fast he could get done. We were getting use to being married. We loved each other so well, we still do. We were focused on being a husband and wife.


Then we started a taco truck. I love the taco truck, Alejandro knows that this is part of his calling. He knows that this will be with us as long as the Lord allows. I love the people we serve, I love the places we set up, I love the food.

Then we met our baby boy. On May 13th, we got word that a baby boy was born. On May 14th, we found out that we were chosen to be his parents. I thought there would be a magical moment where everything clicks, there wasn't. I was pretty numb because of everything that had happened 3 days before with the failed match.

However, when I met our baby boy.

It clicked.

I felt part of my calling. I felt the feeling I felt when I said, "I do." to Alejandro. I felt the feeling I felt when I said my first yes to join tour. I felt the feeling I felt when I said yes to moving to Uganda. I felt the feeling I felt when we started our food truck. Thats the thing about, "my calling" - I don't think its supposed to be this one thing for the rest of my life. I think it's simple. We are called to love God and love people. I'd like to think I do those thing pretty well. Sure, I don't know what the next 5 years hold. I don't know what the year 2020 holds, but I know this - I am called


I am called to love the Lord with my whole heart.
I am called to be a wife.
I am called to be a mother.
I am called to love others.
I am called to run a taco truck behind the scenes.
I am called to treat every human equal.
I am called to tell our story.
I am called to things bigger than myself.
I am called to trust.
I am called to not fear.

I am called to be patient.
I am called to say, yes sometimes and no others.
I am called to be a daughter.
I am called to be a sister.


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Finding Balance

I have been talking about becoming more of a minimalist for quiet sometime now. I think I finally took the plunge. I have one box of journals from over the years, a few dvds that I can't seem to get rid of and a ton of Christmas decorations, but other than that I have things that I use. I have not gone through my craft closet yet. That will come soon enough.

I hate throwing stuff out, I hate it. When I get rid go things its a battle of who I was when I threw the thing in the dump and who I was when I bought the thing years ago. There is never an in-between. Paperwork and cards are HARD. I just put most of my old cards on the burn pile, its not that I dont love them and the sentiment that came with them. Its just simply that I dont read them, I have no reason to. I've read them multiple times. I know who sent them and I know that they love us. Currently, my heart is racing as if I have some attachment to the cards. Like I did something wrong. This is not a right feeling. When I go to Heaven, those cards will not be traveling with me. That is a sentence I have said to myself over and over.

In this new season, I am trying to find BALANCE. In everything, yes, I still spend entirely too much time scrolling my phone and not enough time reading. I bake things before I clean my living room and I lay down to take naps before I do the dishes. I am working toward things. I am trying to find more natural things to put on my body, but have not made the same decision about what I put in my body. I still eat fried foods and sugars, but I am trying natural deodorants. Its a baby step process.


My life looks differently than I imagined years ago. You know that question, "where do you see yourself in 5 years?" It is funny to look back on that now. I never would have imagined being here. EVER. But I am and I do not mind it. I am learning how to say, "no" to somethings and be honest in everything. I am trying to remind myself that things go away, material things go away. I am also trying to remember that friendship change, its just how life works.

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This is a different season, I am trying to be kind to people, strangers, friends, and family. Like seriously be kind. I have a friend that calls me out when I fake smile. Its necessary because I do that too often. I am currently trying to teach my mom to not be sorry for her opinion. Sweet Amy, she will share her opinion, knowing that it doesn't line up with yours and then finish the statement with, "I am sorry, thats just my opinion." That is important, don't be sorry for it. Be graceful with your opinion, but not sorry.  I don't want to tell people things I don't mean, I use to be the worst about it.

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things I live by.

say what you mean.
clean out your house/car/barn/garage. you will feel better.
love the Lord.
don't bash other peoples beliefs.
don't bash how people parent.
don't judge people.
be kind to people.
don't be sorry for your opinion.
don't be scared to say no.
don't be scared to say yes.
don't hold onto things.
don't be worried about what people think.
bake things.
make things.
light candles.
don't have fake friends.
don't hold grudges.
a new notebook is one of the best feelings.
if someone is copying things you did/do, good. let it be a challenge or compliment.
don't go to bed mad, you will only have nightmares.
support small businesses.
dont fake smile.

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I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel. -Maya Angelou