A story about a little boy named Joe & his mama

Every time I start to read a book I am reminded that I need to write, which causes me to put my book aside, open my computer and write away. I sometime know where the blog will lead and sometimes, most times, I have no idea. I often wonder why I am here. I often wonder what a Christian truly is? I often wonder what grace looks like? I often wonder about my future. I often wonder who will cross my path that day. I often wonder why my passions have changed. I wonder a lot of things  - but that is how life is, right? We all wonder things often, at least I like to think we do. 

I am here on the other side of the world and what I thought this season would look like is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. Not bad, just different. Do you remember in the last blog when I mentioned a little boy who would I write about later - now is that time. When I moved over envisioned myself becoming a mother, honest. I envisioned myself getting off the plane at Christmas time and having a child with me- surprising my family and friends. I thought that I would be here for just a couple months and Jesus would place a child in my life to love and cherish forever and ever. I kind of thought that is what tour was preparing me for. I had been here for 1.5 months and I had to take pictures for our sponsorship program - I started to line the kids up and as I stood in the same spot a little boy wrapped his entire boy around my leg and stayed there until I was done taking pictures. i left thinking about him. 

A week passed and I wondered if I would see him while we were in the slum that day. He found me and grabbed my hand -- he had on the same clothes he had on the week before, he was dusty, his shoes were torn and tattered, he had a runny nose and a cough - I knew I could take care of him. I asked our translator about him, I asked him to please get more information on him. He walked away for five minutes and came back to say, “his mother says you can have him. 

My heart quit beating. I knew this was it, I knew he was the one I had thought about. I texted my mother to see if she wanted to see her grandson - I sent his pictures and I told her my hear behind wanting him, needing him, feeling like he was mine. She listened to me and then she said, “Callie, I know that you are not going to want to hear this, but you need to seriously pray about it. You need to ask Jesus to make it clear. I am not saying that you cannot do it, I am simply saying that you just need to ask Jesus.” I cried in my bed for a couple hours, I went to sleep thinking about him, I woke up thinking about him, I had dreams about waking him up and getting him dressed to go to preschool. 

I mean guys, this felt like he was mine. 

Now, imagine you having your heart set on something big - something that you thought the last year of your life was preparing you for and then imagine you meeting his mama, and her asking you to teach her English. Imagine knowing that this little boy has a mama and a daddy. Imagine knowing that you could literally give this child the world, you could clean him, get him healthcare, get him education and then you hear Jesus say - "you cant give him the love of his mama - the love that he has known for 4 years." 

I cried more. 

But I had peace. 

Last week I started the English classes and his mama was a student, he sat with her the entire time - cuddling with her, never leaving her side and in my mind I knew that I had made the correct decision, I knew that Jesus had said, “no.” I  imagined how hard it would have been for me to pry him off of his mama and my heart ached.

Here I am almost 3 months in and I am in a completely different season than I thought I would be in. I find myself dreaming about MY future. That is a HUGE thing for me, a girl who has only known relationships for the past 6 years - for all my teenage/early adulthood years I have worried about having someone to talk to, wanting to feel wanted, wanting to dream about someone, wanting to know that someone was there  - I was never alone, I never gave myself time to heal from my past mistakes and never let Jesus change me and right when I got here I asked Jesus some HARD questions, that would require HARD answers, they were answered and with that I knew that Jesus was closing doors and opening doors - He was being the good, good father that he is and protecting me from certain things and preparing me for others. 

I am in Uganda, I am learning and my dreams are becoming more and more clear.

Figuring things out.

I learn new things daily. I have visited Uganda 5 times and then finally decided to make the big decision to move here. I found a ministry that was starting from the ground up and I told the director my dreams of building schools in other countries, immediately he offered me the job. Through prayer and pros & cons list I finally decided that this was my next move. I have been here since March and while it has had both good and bad experiences they are experiences I would not change for the world.

Yesterday, I found part of my calling. Sure, you are all thinking - “she moved to Uganda” that is her calling. That is what I thought too. Honestly when I boarded the plane I thought that I would be here forever, I thought that my one way ticket was something that would make me stay and never return. I figured I would spend my days serving children and loving people. 

Until I got here. 

I got here and Jesus placed a bigger dream on my heart - one that scares me, but excited me. He showed me my heart behind it through my roommate. 

I asked Jesus before my move over to speak to me about what he wants my life to be, I have done almost all of my basics in college, I have my massage therapy license, I have traveled the United States with an Ugandan children’s choir and now I live in a foreign country. So I needed direction. 

We had just gotten back from the slum, Katanga. It is a slum in the middle of the city full of muslim families, this means it is full of single mothers. Single mothers who sell produce, shoe polish or fish to get money for food. Only bringing in less than $3 a day. I got home and started to write and before I knew it Jesus was giving me visions of my future. I cried as I wrote every word because it changed what I originally thought I was passionate about, but it changed it to something so beautiful that I could not have done it on my own. The next week I went back into the slum to get more stories from our sponsorship kids and a lady told our translator that she wanted me to teach her English. I giggled on the way to the car, simply because I knew that there was something there. I talked with my roommate, who is Ugandan and we planned to teach English the following week. 

We arrived in the slum, with a notebook and a few pens. The women were on their way, I was not sure how many to expect. We waited for a bit longer and there were 4 students. Prossy, Grace, Evelyn and Procy - I wanted to hear a little bit about their life before we started the class. All single mothers, all selling produce to get money for food, all living in a slum and all quit going to school when they were in Elementary school due to school fees. My heart broke for the one millionth time. I picked up the notebook, that I had written the alphabet in, unsure if they would know the letters -  I pointed and they started, “A, B, C,” chills rushed my body and I knew I was stepping into another part of the vision. I asked them to write the alphabet, half could and half could not. I knew then that English classes would be harder than I anticipated, which is great because I love a challenge. I told the women that I would be there every Saturday to teach and next week I am bringing notebooks. They shouted and clapped.

This next week we are going back into the slum to teach English classes again, I left them with homework and I told them that we would be spending more time together on Saturday.

Since being here what I thought my life would look like is actually very different. Jesus is changing my heart on somethings and He shutting the door on other things. I am being very vague, but that is because I am praying through so much. I am asking you to join me in this, please be in prayer for this vision, for the next step. I have failed at keeping my audience up to date, I struggle with putting things into words sometimes, simply because a two week trip is such an "eyeopening experience" - while living here is a hard, but joyful season. 

Someone told me last week that living in Uganda is the wilderness for someone people - Jesus calls us here to pour into people, to be poured into and we think we move here for the rest of our lives -- only for Jesus to completely wreck what we thought life would actually look like. This is not to say that Uganda is a bad place, its simply to say that it is a place that Jesus is in - it is a country that takes you away from your comfort and places you in a place where you lay on your floor nightly and ask Jesus what is going on. 

Its a fun season. I am growing. And learning from every single person I encounter. 

looking for lovely - thanks Annie.

I haven’t written in a bit - well I’ve written but its been things that I am keeping for rainy days. I finished two books in the past two weeks and I found a new love for Justin Timberlake. I have learned new ways to prepare pasta and I have eaten more potatoes than I ever have in my life. I sing a lot here, but not well. I light my candles daily because they remind me of home, so does olive oil. I miss wearing glasses, someone told me that it was a comfort thing - its true. I had surgery to get rid of glasses then moved across the world. I am reminded at least once a week that this is my life. It happened tonight while I was cooking my pasta piselli. I realized that this is my life, I didn’t have frozen peas so canned ones had to do. It still tasted awesome and made me miss being little. 

Back to the books I finished, Annie F. Downs literally reads my journal when she write, I promise. There are so many things she talks about that I can’t even find words to be that honest with myself about, much less a crowd. She is just so. good. I read, ‘Lets All be Brave’ when I was in a different season - it spoke to me then, but it spoke to me on a whole new level when I read it last week. She talks about being brave no matter what that looks like - a move across the world, a move across the state, quitting a job that is good - to go to a job that is better, saying bye to relationships that are draining. I finished that one and then purchased her new release seconds after- “Looking for Lovely” - starting this one I was excited because I felt like she was my friend and that we were catching up after some loss time.

I wasn’t sure what to expect in the book though, I was just excited because I love her writing style. LOVE IT. Within the first paragraph I realized she would be speaking directly to my heart. The entire book was talking about her looking for beauty in everything, even when we don’t see it - when we go through a season where we cry daily, we must find beauty in those moments because we know that the ‘crying season’ will not last forever. We have to trust Jesus, even when we want to believe the bible verse taken out of context about ‘Jesus not giving you more than you can handle” - never true. He wants us to trust Him more so what makes me think that he isn’t going to challenge me? (a baby rant, I could go on but you get it) 

She is good. She even talks about herself in ways that you would never expect someone to talk about  - she talks about her broken crazy and how it makes her run for commitments, from situations she doesn’t know how to handle, all because of a season of broken crazy. 

Can we hold the phone, real quick? Wow. 

That is my life, that has been my life and I am trying to break it. 

Honest moment :

I use my past as crutch sometimes - past hurt, past relationships. I run from people. I don’t trust people and sometimes I hurt people because I want them to make them leave before they leave me. I’ve been hurt by too many people - but thats not what I am writing this about. I am writing this to tell you that I would relive every single heartbreak if it lead back to right here, right now - sitting on my floor listening to Justin, my candle lit, I am full from good pasta and I am wearing my American flag tank top because I just got done ‘wooing out’ - I am tired but my mind is racing with thoughts that I have to put on paper - but the big thing — I live in Uganda. I live in a place that I said my heart belonged and I wouldn’t trade this season. 

I find myself scrolling Facebook - with a numb brain and then it dawns on me, its okay that I am not engaged or expecting a baby. Its okay that all of my previous boyfriends are now married or close to being engaged. I do not find myself being jealous because again, my broken crazy needs to be fixed before I try to carry someones else weight. I want that, what girl doesn’t?

It’ll come in due time and it will be easy. It will make sense and it won’t be based on hurt, lies or loneliness. It will be based on a beautiful mess —

So here I am, on the floor being thankful that I am here. This season hasn’t been easy, I miss my family. I miss fast internet, I miss my car, I miss DRIVING, I miss smooth roads, I miss being able to listen to John Mayer with the windows down, I miss my cat. I miss things. 

But here I am on the other side of the world searching for lovely and finding it daily because I have to remind myself to search for it. 

Here are my lovely things: 

Cooking my own dinner, writing, waves from children while riding down the road, laughing with friends, hammock, reading, days when we create an entire festival from top to bottom and it runs smoothly, dance parties, singing in the car, singing in the cold shower, devotions, quiet moments, bed time, waking up late and knowing I have mastered getting dressed in 10 minutes (thanks tour) - My roommate, who is such a good friend, records, clean clothes, phone calls from home, days in the slum, hearing ‘Auntie Callie,’ listening to broken people tell you the hope they have in Jesus, holding a new baby, visiting with his mama, seeing how many sponsors we got overnight. 

So many more things  but you get it. 

Beautiful things are everywhere - sometimes they are right in front of you and sometimes you have to search. but they are there. 

So like Annie inspired me - I am going to inspire you — 

look for the lovely in your everyday life, it will change the way you view things. & start playing the high and low game at the table - I started this last week at our dinner table and its been a hit.