looking for lovely - thanks Annie.

I haven’t written in a bit - well I’ve written but its been things that I am keeping for rainy days. I finished two books in the past two weeks and I found a new love for Justin Timberlake. I have learned new ways to prepare pasta and I have eaten more potatoes than I ever have in my life. I sing a lot here, but not well. I light my candles daily because they remind me of home, so does olive oil. I miss wearing glasses, someone told me that it was a comfort thing - its true. I had surgery to get rid of glasses then moved across the world. I am reminded at least once a week that this is my life. It happened tonight while I was cooking my pasta piselli. I realized that this is my life, I didn’t have frozen peas so canned ones had to do. It still tasted awesome and made me miss being little. 

Back to the books I finished, Annie F. Downs literally reads my journal when she write, I promise. There are so many things she talks about that I can’t even find words to be that honest with myself about, much less a crowd. She is just so. good. I read, ‘Lets All be Brave’ when I was in a different season - it spoke to me then, but it spoke to me on a whole new level when I read it last week. She talks about being brave no matter what that looks like - a move across the world, a move across the state, quitting a job that is good - to go to a job that is better, saying bye to relationships that are draining. I finished that one and then purchased her new release seconds after- “Looking for Lovely” - starting this one I was excited because I felt like she was my friend and that we were catching up after some loss time.

I wasn’t sure what to expect in the book though, I was just excited because I love her writing style. LOVE IT. Within the first paragraph I realized she would be speaking directly to my heart. The entire book was talking about her looking for beauty in everything, even when we don’t see it - when we go through a season where we cry daily, we must find beauty in those moments because we know that the ‘crying season’ will not last forever. We have to trust Jesus, even when we want to believe the bible verse taken out of context about ‘Jesus not giving you more than you can handle” - never true. He wants us to trust Him more so what makes me think that he isn’t going to challenge me? (a baby rant, I could go on but you get it) 

She is good. She even talks about herself in ways that you would never expect someone to talk about  - she talks about her broken crazy and how it makes her run for commitments, from situations she doesn’t know how to handle, all because of a season of broken crazy. 

Can we hold the phone, real quick? Wow. 

That is my life, that has been my life and I am trying to break it. 

Honest moment :

I use my past as crutch sometimes - past hurt, past relationships. I run from people. I don’t trust people and sometimes I hurt people because I want them to make them leave before they leave me. I’ve been hurt by too many people - but thats not what I am writing this about. I am writing this to tell you that I would relive every single heartbreak if it lead back to right here, right now - sitting on my floor listening to Justin, my candle lit, I am full from good pasta and I am wearing my American flag tank top because I just got done ‘wooing out’ - I am tired but my mind is racing with thoughts that I have to put on paper - but the big thing — I live in Uganda. I live in a place that I said my heart belonged and I wouldn’t trade this season. 

I find myself scrolling Facebook - with a numb brain and then it dawns on me, its okay that I am not engaged or expecting a baby. Its okay that all of my previous boyfriends are now married or close to being engaged. I do not find myself being jealous because again, my broken crazy needs to be fixed before I try to carry someones else weight. I want that, what girl doesn’t?

It’ll come in due time and it will be easy. It will make sense and it won’t be based on hurt, lies or loneliness. It will be based on a beautiful mess —

So here I am, on the floor being thankful that I am here. This season hasn’t been easy, I miss my family. I miss fast internet, I miss my car, I miss DRIVING, I miss smooth roads, I miss being able to listen to John Mayer with the windows down, I miss my cat. I miss things. 

But here I am on the other side of the world searching for lovely and finding it daily because I have to remind myself to search for it. 

Here are my lovely things: 

Cooking my own dinner, writing, waves from children while riding down the road, laughing with friends, hammock, reading, days when we create an entire festival from top to bottom and it runs smoothly, dance parties, singing in the car, singing in the cold shower, devotions, quiet moments, bed time, waking up late and knowing I have mastered getting dressed in 10 minutes (thanks tour) - My roommate, who is such a good friend, records, clean clothes, phone calls from home, days in the slum, hearing ‘Auntie Callie,’ listening to broken people tell you the hope they have in Jesus, holding a new baby, visiting with his mama, seeing how many sponsors we got overnight. 

So many more things  but you get it. 

Beautiful things are everywhere - sometimes they are right in front of you and sometimes you have to search. but they are there. 

So like Annie inspired me - I am going to inspire you — 

look for the lovely in your everyday life, it will change the way you view things. & start playing the high and low game at the table - I started this last week at our dinner table and its been a hit.