A confession | written 2 weeks ago

I know that Jesus called me here for a reason. I know that he called me here to be his hands and feet, but there are moments when I doubt and worry. Which I’d like to think is a normal response to things when I am on the other side of the world away from all of my comfort.

Everyday since being here I have learned new things about myself, somethings personal and some not so much. However, yesterday was one of the hardest things to learn about myself. 

For 4 years I have tried to be someone that I am not, I have tried to be adventurous and brave. I have tried being this person who is looked at as someone who can sleep outside and not worry about snakes, bugs or people getting them. I wanted to be someone who could camp for days and not worry about anything happening. 

Since moving here I have become part of an awesome life group of girls- they all are from the United States and they all have such rich and beautiful stories. We meet on Wednesdays -  and no, we don’t wear pink. We all speak life into each other and we are going over Isiah in the Bible right now. Well, this weekend we decided to go on a girls weekend- to Sipi Falls. This was going to be a 5 hour journey to the border of Uganda and Kenya. Our journey started on Friday morning, I woke up in Caroline’s house, we called in breakfast and then we both boarded the same boda. We arrived at Italian (a supermarket in town) we met the rest of the girls there and then all boarded boads and went to the old taxi park - this is where we would be boarding our charter bus to drive us across the country. It was like a chaotic Greyhound station times 50 — people are allowed to jump on the bus and try and sell things- people knock on windows while we sit in the heat waiting to get the journey started. We waited on the bus for two hours and then it finally went off - we were on the way. 

Of course, as we started the every worst case scenario was going through my mind. 

If we break down, where do we go?

If we get stopped and robbed, what do we do? 

-Now we were past Jinja and I had no idea where we were. Just empty fields with tall grass.
LION CITY.
Again with the thoughts. 

If we break down, where do we go?

If my phones dies. What will I do?

If we get stopped and robbed, what do we do?

None of these happened and they are not common here in Uganda. They were just my thoughts running wild because we were 7 muzungu girls traveling hours away from anywhere we are familiar with. 

I won’t go into every detail here because it could get boring. I’ll go over some highlights
-our gas light was on for an hour and nothing was in sight and the sun was setting
-we arrived to where we board a taxi at 8 - dark outside.
-We met our friend who was already there, she came over and said, “I got us a taxi," we all loaded into a tiny car and down a dark dirt road we went.

MY THOUGHTS HAD GONE CRAZY.

The enemy was trying to stop me. I think that at least. It could just be the way I was raised. I was raised in the south by parents and grandparents that were very alert to the things going on around us. I am naturally a worrier — I worry about so many things that could go wrong. I create stories. I prayed more on the journey there than I ever have before. We finally got to Sipi Falls — Crows Nest and there wasn't power, we were escorted up to our tiny hut cabins by a guy with a gas lantern. We got our headlamps out and read before bed. Our bathroom and shower was outside the little hut. Our hut, lets go over this real quick - our hut was a tiny one room little house with a straw roof. I heard mice running on the ceiling all night and dogs howling outside.  We turned off our headlamps and it was pitch black — we went to sleep. kind of. I was restless.

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To my surprise I survived the night.

We woke up excited about the day - we were going to hike to 3 different waterfalls. We put on our clothes, that we decided on the night before — gym shorts, chacos and a tank top for me. We went down for breakfast, put on sunscreen and our Ugandan guide came over with rainboots and said - ‘ready?’ The journey started. My backpack was packed with water, a camera and an extra t-shirt in case. We got a little ways in and it was nothing but down hill, it had rained a little bit the night before and it was a little slippery. One of the girls asked how far the hike was and he said, “9 miles” 

9 MILES. 

This was it. This was my test. I looked over the mountain and could see two of the three waterfalls in the distance and I said to myself - “we are doing this.”  - My knees had already told me that we were not, so did my heart and my head but I wanted to ignore everything and push through it. Note to self - PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR BODY. IT KNOWS. 

Still going down, still slippery. 

*One thing you need to know about me I have terrible knees. Terrible. knees.  Like both have popped out of place before and my hip has to be put back into it correct place often. I had no idea leading up that this hike would be this intense and I did not pack my shoes with insoles. I only had chaos and that was the worst thing I could have been wearing at the time. I stepped in a pile of mud in the process of trying to catch myself during the slip and slide. I also got stabbed at the bottom of my foot by a stick, it may or may not be infected a tiny bit. 

Now back to the story. We kept going and I met a young guy named Levi, let me brag on him for a second. He is an angel sent from heaven. When I knew that my knees would betray me I prayed for Jesus to send me TJ/Alejandro (the two people who I know look after me and are prepared to catch me and my bad knees at any given moment) Jesus sent Levi. I thought I had it, I was still doing good and the other girls were doing great. I wasn't in the back but I wasn't in the front and when there were big mud spots to jump over Levi would help me. When there were spots missing out of the side of the mountain - Levi would help me. He was kind and patient. 

I kept going and then there was the incline. This lead us to the waterfall. Okay, I can't describe this accurately, but I was climbing up a mountain, literally climbing up a mountain to a waterfall I saw still a bit in the distance. Levi pulled me most of the way and a few times I had to stop to rest my knees because they were done. Both of them, but the right more than the left. My hip was giving me a pinching pain I’d never felt before and I knew that I should have listened to my body two hours before, but I ignored it. Finally made it to the waterfall - finally made it to the prettiest place I’e ever been and all I wanted to do was cry because I knew. 

I knew that I placed myself here, that I felts stuck and that my knee had popped out and popped back in. The swelling had started a tiny bit but the pain wasn't fun. I wanted to lay out and stretch but the ground was muddy. So I drank my water, told my friends that I was in pain and I looked at the waterfall knowing the Jesus was teaching me something - something that i wasnt ready to learn. 

I kept going, thinking that I would make it to the other two waterfalls. Again with the incline. Again with climbing straight up a  mountain - Levi pulling me most of the way. We got to one spot and I had to to sit because I hurt so bad, I had tears in my eyes and I felt nauseous because of the heat, high altitude and messed up knee. I kept trying to get up because I knew there had to be a break at some point. Levi pulled me up the rest of the way. Joy, had my back pack and the rest of the girls pushed me literally at some points. There was an offer on the table for the group of teenage boys to carry me up the mountain and I declined because the idea of them dropping me was scarier than my climbing on a bum knee. 

Here we go, we are here. At the top of the mountain that I have cried half of the way up. I asked our guide when we would be near the road, I had already decided to throw in the flag because I couldn’t do it anymore. I was getting a boda back to our huts and I was elevating this knee while I cried. Our guide said, "just a bit longer and then one more climb"- Here we were on the side of a mountain about to climb up a man made ladder, made of big sticked nailed together. There were about 50 steps and they went straight up. I let most of the girls go while I cried because I knew this would be the death of my knee. It took me 20 minutes to get to the top of the wobbly, unstable ladder that lead me to the end of this hell I had created for myself. 

We got to the top - my tears and runny nose were all I needed to know I was going home. I was going back to my hut to rest because my knees betrayed me. I got on the back of a boda and we started off - he took me to my place and I had to climb a little bit further to my room. I sat down on my front porch overlooking the mountain I had just learned so much from,  I ugly cried for a bit and then I called for someone to come get me. I cried while I talked about it and about how my knee was in pain, I was in pain and I was ashamed. I  called TJ and cried harder while I told him all about it - about my fears, my pain, my embarrassment and about my heartbreak because I realized that who I thought I was is not who I truly am.

Here are the texts I wrote out and sent to someone who knows me - even when I think he doesnt. 

"Im just not like this and think thats the hardest part for me to get over - like I  thought that I want this life, always. I want to be brave and adventurous and not care that there are rats i the ceiling or a giant gap under a door that a dog can fit through but right now that now how I operate. & I have to be okay with that. I want to hike the full 9 miles not just 3 and quit because my knee, but that not me right now and thats HARD TO ADMIT. 

I was so looking forward to walking in the compound tomorrow with a  new adventure story after my boda dropped me off, and I walk in dirty and joyful but that just not me yet and I’ve cried all afternoon because Im just not her. "

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I got a car to come pick me and my friends up early. We drove through the night because if we wouldnt have then we would still be on a packed taxi and that is not what my knee needs today. 

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Jesus taught me things yesterday that were hard to realize. He showed me his beauty in ways Ive never seen it but I think mostly he showed me that no matter what happens in this life, no matter how hard moments are to realize that I am this way and not that way that he is still good. I cried on my floor yesterday while I thanked him for creating me the way he did - even if I am not who I thought I was. Someday I will hike the full 9 miles and when I am done I will cry because I showed that mountain who is boss. My heart is still heavy, my knee still hurts and I am sad because I feel like I was the one person at the slumber party who ruined the sleepover.