The person I was before tour and the person I am now are two different people. I am thankful for both. I mean before I left for tour, I had myself in every single thing possible. I taught preschool, I ran an outreach program, I served on the media team and I was at the church every day of the week. I only caught sermons once a month, if that. I was giving and giving and not allowing myself to be poured back into. I was running from things that I simply didn't want to face, until I met a lady who helped. She listened to me, she gave me an her time and listened to me cry while I talked about all of the 75,000 things I was overwhelmed with that week. She prayed for me and she lifted me up and pushed me to do things for myself, to do things for the Lord no matter how big or small.
I remember 3 weeks before I left, I went into her office and told her about my family hosting a children's choir and right after they left I was going to Birmingham to look for jobs and apartments with my best friend. I told her how ready I was to move, to see new things, to learn life. What I didn't know was that our next meeting would be me sitting across from her telling her that Jordan, my best friend, couldn't move to Birmingham and the job I was offered wasnt a good option for me. I told her about the choir offering me the job to tour with them and her one question was, "well whats holding you back?" I gave her a list of obligations I had at my church, at school and my family.
Then I did it. I made the commitment to tour, not sure what that meant or what that looked like. I committed to going. I quit my classes, I gave my jobs at church to people I trusted and I left. I cried the night before I left and thought about backing out, but I went and today I miss the kids more than anything. I catch myself wondering what my life would be like if I wouldn't have said 'yes' to tour. Those aren't fun thoughts, they are thoughts that scare me. I would still be running. It would be just me hiding behind a smile, It would be me trying to hold it all together when in all reality I was suffering. I was dry.
Yet, here I am 6 months later sitting on my couch on a Sunday afternoon. I don't have the tv on because I wanted to write, my cat is looking for squirrels outside the window and I have fresh popcorn. I am not perfect now, I never will be. I am not a better person now because I said 'yes' to moving to another country. I am still trying to find my place. It just looks differently. Instead of running around all the time and having a to-do list each week, I am now trying to focus on relationships. While also trying to find my place back at church. I am trying to spend quality time with as many people as I can each week and still serve the community. I am not running anymore. I am here and its a weird place to be, but such a good place. Its me taking baby steps all over again.
So today as I sat in church and listened to my Pastor speak. I listened to him pour his heart out on a sermon about resting your soul in the presence of Jesus. I cried as he closed because thats still me, I may not be a busy with a million things going on at the church, but Im busy with my thoughts. My doubts, my what ifs, my late nights where I create a list of what I am going to pack. However, today when I found myself crying it was because that man sees so much in me, I remember when I told him I was going to Africa on my second trip. His exact words were, "that what I like about you Callie, you're a shotgun, you aim. fire. shoot. -- you don't waste time." Since that day I knew that he saw things in me that I didn't see in myself. I love his family more than I care to admit. Saying bye to them before tour was hard, but knowing that Pastor Stacy was basically reading my journal this morning made me realize how hard its going to be to say bye in March. When I called him to tell him I was moving, all he could say was how proud of me he was, how thankful he was for me and how much I would be missed.
In my moments today when the enemy tried to tell me that I didn't have a place at church. I knew I had a place and it was on that front row sitting right next to my pastors 13 year old daughter and smiling from ear to ear as I listened to my pastor remind me that, in the moments when nothing else seems to settle, its time to take time just to reflect on Gods goodness.
I am thankful for my place.
So today as I sat in church and listened to my Pastor speak. I listened to him pour his heart out on a sermon about resting your soul in the presence of Jesus. I cried as he closed because thats still me, I may not be a busy with a million things going on at the church, but Im busy with my thoughts. My doubts, my what ifs, my late nights where I create a list of what I am going to pack. However, today when I found myself crying it was because that man sees so much in me, I remember when I told him I was going to Africa on my second trip. His exact words were, "that what I like about you Callie, you're a shotgun, you aim. fire. shoot. -- you don't waste time." Since that day I knew that he saw things in me that I didn't see in myself. I love his family more than I care to admit. Saying bye to them before tour was hard, but knowing that Pastor Stacy was basically reading my journal this morning made me realize how hard its going to be to say bye in March. When I called him to tell him I was moving, all he could say was how proud of me he was, how thankful he was for me and how much I would be missed.
In my moments today when the enemy tried to tell me that I didn't have a place at church. I knew I had a place and it was on that front row sitting right next to my pastors 13 year old daughter and smiling from ear to ear as I listened to my pastor remind me that, in the moments when nothing else seems to settle, its time to take time just to reflect on Gods goodness.
I am thankful for my place.
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