overthinking.

I can tell when I haven't written in a long time because I start studying people more and more. I write stories about them in my head. Its been so long since I've last written that I could write a couple of books about complete strangers. I haven't written in awhile because I'm scared to be transparent right now, but I told myself that I would be. I actually promised myself and so here goes --

I am struggling.

Im 23.
Unmarried.
I do not have children.
I am moving to another country.
I think I cry daily.
I feel like I am losing all my joy, if that a real thing.
I need to read my Bible more.
I struggle with relationships currently.
I am moody.
Im not sure where this blog will end up.

Tonight I sat at a football game and watched families who grew up in the town, found their spouse in the town, now their children go to the same school they graduated from and here they are sitting on the bleachers next to their classmates screaming at the football game. As I watched them my brain went into creating stories about them, but being that I knew them it wasn't much of making up a story, it was more of watching how the couples interacted with each other. They loved each other. As one man yelled to the football ref I watched his wife lightly tap his leg with her hand- he quit yelling. I watched another man sit down and his shirt come up a little, only for his wife to pull it down for him and fix it. I watched another man guard the seats as his wife and three children went to the bathroom. Every story different, but beautiful.

I overthink naturally, its something I do. I hate it. But as I studied these couples I wondered how they got to where they are. How many fights, how many stories, how many trips gone wrong, how many births the husbands sat through, how many times they've said ' I love you,' how many times they thought about walking out, how many days they've been tired of the 'usual' -- I wondered if they overthought things when they met their spouse or if it all just came naturally. I wondered if they overthought their calling daily or if they just lived life.

I guess this post is something that I've been needing to get out, I cant enjoy my own life.

I can't go thirty minutes without this exact thought, "am I doing the right thing? What if I step outside of my calling?" and it paralyzes me. I've been like this for maybe two years. It's just multiplied since my commitment to moving to Uganda. I can't get excited about moving because I wonder if I am 'called' to Uganda. I can't balance relationships and the process of moving, so I push people out. I can't sit in silence or my mind goes 100. This is a daily struggle.

I have a friend who helps talk me through my thoughts. This past week while ranting about not knowing what my calling is specifically. I was told that my calling was to love like Jesus loves, to be his hands and feet. I am going to tell you that I don't know if I am called to Uganda for the rest of my life or if I will end up building a school in every country or if I will end up in Knoxville running a nonprofit out of a studio apartment. I don't know what my calling is forever, I think mine changes in every season and if I'm wrong biblically, someone correct me. Please.

I think that Jesus knows how I work, I mean he did create me after all.  He knows that I overthink and sure, he dislikes it, but he knows its something I do. So he shows me himself in ways that I know he is leading my steps-- no matter how many times a day I question my calling. There's too much pressure on that word. I know that my life will be nothing short of beautiful because Jesus is the author, but in the meantime-- I am a mess.

Here's to living in the moment.