trying to gather words

I've not written much since being home. Im not sure how. I am still trying to process everything that happened in my life in the past 5 months. I am realizing that I am going to miss my kids every single day for the rest of my life. I am realizing that no matter where I am, I am going to feel like a fish out of water until I am in Uganda again. I am realizing that being an introvert isn't a bad thing, but I still have to talk to people. No matter how hard that truly is sometimes. I have to be intentional because that is one thing being in Uganda taught me, you have to be intentional or you're just another person talking to a crowd.

Last night, I announced to a crowd for the first time that I was moving. It was to the youth group at my church. I had an entire speech prepared. I was going to read this journal entry, say this part really passionately-- smile here and stop speaking here. During worship, Jesus changed my talk. He told me to leave the notebook behind, to be confident in knowing that He had me. As I walked up to the stage, with nothing in my hand. I looked to the crowd, not sure how it would go. I told them that my heart was racing, I was shaky and my palms were sweaty but that I was up there allowing Jesus to speak through me. I was being a voice for the voiceless, I am fighting for the child who doesn't have parents, I am speaking up for the ones who don't have love.  I don't remember anything after that. But, I announced that I was moving and I was not sure what that would look like.

I still don't know what that will look like and I'm excited about that. I know my title, I know the mission, but the frame it will take is still unknown. I think it will still be unknown even while we are living in Uganda. Thats what Africa is I am learning, a lot of being busy- a lot of learning new things daily and a lot of uncertanity, but one things stands certain and thats the fact that Jesus is what you have.

When I miss home, when I want to cry, when things don't make sense, when I miss Chick- Fil-A, when I miss family nights at home, when I miss dancing in the kitchen with my sisters, when I miss my best friends wedding and potentially my sisters graduation. When I am so tired that I don't want to move another muscle-- I will know that Jesus is all I have. That Jesus is there with me.

Over the past two weeks, spiritual warfare has been a real thing. If its not being temped by things of my past then its terrible nightmares. If its not the nightmares its me waiting for something bad to happen. Thats what the enemy wants right now, he wants me living in fear waiting for bad things to happen-- he wants me to believe the lie that I am not worthy enough to be a missionary. That I am not cut out to move to Africa, I am not strong enough.

But then in a small voice Jesus says, you are worthy because you are my daughter. He speaks to me in sermons that only tell me that I am not my last sin, that  I am not defined by my past and that Jesus sees me as a new treasure everyday. Jesus loves me and He is calling me to this, He loves me enough that on the moments that I don't want to get out of bed because I don't want to fight the enemy that day- He gives me the strength to push through the fog and pray before my feet hit the floor.

I could not be in this season without Jesus, I could not be here without Him. I couldn't have sat at a coffee date with a girl I haven't seen since I was in high school and told her all about my journey-- without Him. This season will not be easy, it may be harder than Uganda, who knows. But I can't give up. I can't lay in my bed hoping for the day to pass because it gets me closer to moving.  I have to be a missionary here, just as much as I do there.

I am thankful for this season, no matter what it entails.
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