a new year | two days late

Its New Years Eve, well technically New Year Day now. You'd think it would feel different. I've only done this 22 times before, the hype, the outfit, the 'big plans for the night' and then there is resolutions. Tonight was going to be the night that we broke away from the usual of staying at the house and doing fireworks with the family. I was actually going to go out of town, I was going to see the ball drop or the beach ball drop, maybe even the peach drop. I wanted to see a big crowd, confetti and lots of happy people to bring in the new year with the people they love.

But,

Here I am sitting in my kitchen making cinnamon rolls for me and my two best friends. After plenty of plans changing we decided to stay here, with my family and do the firework thing. We decided to be around the people who taught me to love, to be around the people who being me joy. I would usually be upset that I wasn't anywhere else in the world-- my mom and sisters left today to go on a retreat so this year it was a small crowd, but a good one nonetheless. We all watched Taylor perform, the ball drop and Ryan Secrest be a gentleman and give his coat to Taylor, ever so effortlessly. Then it was time for us to get ready for the celebration outside. This year, instead of crying, like I usually do right before 12 (simply because I never want to say goodbye to things) I stood in the kitchen with my best friends and talked about the highs and lows of our years. We talked about the highs and lows of the past year-- going to school, finding out independence, going through breakups and figuring out more of who we want to be in this world. We laughed as we reminisced on the past year then gathered in the field with my family to watch the big finale. The countdown started and the fireworks went off-- we shouted Happy New Year, hugged each other then lit the sparklers. I realized tonight while I was standing next to my Pepaw and a best friend who is now family, just how thankful I am to have days like these, moments like these. I won't always have this moment. I needed to stay home tonight, simply because who knows what this year will hold.

As I mentioned earlier I hate saying goodbye to things- I hate saying goodbye to the past year. Saying goodbye to the moments, the laughter, the memories, the tears, the challenges and so many beautiful things in between. && Just to reflect on this past year -- simply because when I read this in 5 years, I want to laugh at how much I have grown. This year started off with me signing up to leave the country for 11 months- I had signed up for the World Race, because I couldn't handle the issues that were carrying over from the year before, so I wanted to run. I didn't. I stayed and co-lead a trip to Uganda, I got baptized in the Nile River, I saw New York, I visited a friend in North Carolina, I helped start an outreach program at church, I taught kiddos, I helped start a media team at church, I became a 'videographer/photographer', I started a blog and kept it going, I met new people, I finished a full semester of school. These are all wonderful things, but with these good things there were also terrible things. I lost a cousin to a car accident, I tried to open a door that was closed, I broke a heart, I was rude to the people who love me, I cried when I said no to the World Race-- I got mad. I was in competition with people, I compared my life to other peoples, I quit having quiet time for awhile,  I didn't know what I wanted in life, I started a semester of school then dropped it, I sat at multiple coffee dates and cried while explaining that I was leaving the state because my past was haunting me, I hurt people, I lied to people, I changed myself for other people, I put expectations on people, I felt the need to get my last point across too many times. Both of these list can both go on-- but I would have to start pulling out old journals. I have learned more this year than I ever have.

With all of this being said yesterday,  I decided to get a tattoo on my wrist. Its simple and dainty-- Its just the outline of a circle. I knew I wanted it small and I knew I wanted it on my wrist. I had previously stated that I wanted a circle. It was right after I watched Pocahontas. When she starts singing, "Colors of the Wind", she says "we are all connected to each other, in a circle, by a hoop that never ends," I actually wrote a blog on that one line in the song. So, yesterday while trying to decide what to get on my wrist the circle kept coming up. I got it and shortly after thought "what did I just do" (p.s. this is what I do after every one I get, its fades shortly after) I showed my family last night and my best fiends today. I got a few giggles when I told them that I got it because of Pocahontas, but I had to ignore them simply because there is absolutely nothing I can do about it at this point. I have tried to think of a thousand different ways to describe why I chose to get the circle, but tonight as I stood around my family and as I wrote down resolutions with my friends I realized that life is a cycle. Things get repeated and moments sometimes seem to never end, people will come into your life and people will walk out. Things will change a thousand times, but life will continue. There are moments this year that I wish could have lasted forever and there are moments that I wanted to never begin, but that's all part of it-- we don't choose which moments will happen, we just have to embrace them and choose how we respond.


2015, here is to you.