March 29th. | Our wifi isn't the best

Today is hard and for me to try and tell you otherwise would be a lie. I want to get in the car and head to the airport, get on a flight and be welcomed by my family when I land in the United States. 

I found myself praying in the middle of the night for joy, I was asking Jesus to remind me of that joy that brought me here in the first place. Clearly I was under attack and I was trying to push away the lies of the enemy in my sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night multiple times — hot, sweaty and ready to wake up and it be my day to fly home. But, I knew that Jesus had me even in the hard moments. 

Last night we took Tony to the airport- Tony is Alejandros best friend. He flew over with us and has been here with us every second of everyday and now I do not know what to do without him here. He is funny, but he can cry at the drop of a hat. He is humble and willing to serve. I learned so much by jus watching him and knowing that he was here was a peace that things aren’t too bad- then he left, we all knew it was coming. We knew that he would be leaving in 3 weeks from the time he got here and last night he did. Tears were shed and the ride home was quiet. I think it hit me last night that I am here, Tony was the ‘guest’ who was keeping us all distracted, in such good ways. He would make us laugh when we missed our family, when we were sick and his daily walks to the store were the best part of the young boys days. He fixed the shower and led devotion. It was like he was part of the team, of course he is a part of this family, but it was like he was here with us for good. & now he is gone. Its quiet today. Alejandro hasn’t said much and everytime someone says, ‘Tony’ he raises his eyebrow — I imagine its his way of thinking of a good memory. Saying bye to people isn’t easy. It never is — its hard every single time. It doesnt get easier with time, it get harder- honestly. I just learn how to deal with it better. How to hide the tears, how to be stronger for the other guy- but here I am today literally waiting to go home. 

It is not fair to my team it is not fair to myself and it is not fair to Jesus. It is not fair that He called me here and I am wasting a day by whining. Today is an office day and today my heart is LONGING to be outside on the field serving. I want to be in the slums - where everything is crazy, chaotic but I want to be holding the same kids I did yesterday. If you wanna get your world rocked - go to a slum in a developing country. Yes, most of the country is in poverty — but this amount of poverty is almost unbearable. But, I’d live there. I would set up a giant house with 85 bathtubs and bathe everyone of the kids, then I would doctor their sores and then I would tuck them into bed. I would love them more than any human in this world could and I would be there every second of everyday loving them. 

This is my dream- this is what I want to do, but instead I am editing videos for our ministry— which is needed, I am not doubting that in the least. I am simply stating that I want to be outside of the compound to distract my thoughts. This is needed though, being in the office. I know it is, I know that these things are putting up the foundation and I know that Jesus is teaching me so much through it — but sheesh. I miss my people today.