here for a reason

This blog is being written from a heart that is all over the place. I am not sure what I am doing here and the enemy reminds me of that daily. DAILY. It is not a fair thing he does, its just something he does and I let him do it. It is not fair to myself or to the people around me. I get trapped in my thoughts and I let it steal my joy.

I moved here to love, to be Jesus' hands and feet and to love people no matter what their past is. I moved here to be equal- and a bold statement would be something like, "I hate my skin color." I've only thought that like 500 times since being here. I have thought over and over how much I hate, hate skin color of any kind. I hate knowing that white people, "muzungus" get looked at differently -- in some places treated like royalty, in others taken advantage of. It's a weird world out here. I never know what to expect.

This season is a season of building a foundation and those are never fun -- but they are necessary. Yesterday I broke. I have held it together for awhile, AWHILE and after our meeting I broke. I walked straight to my room  I tried so hard to hold it in, but within 2 minutes I went into my shirt like a turtle hiding in its shell and I wept. I called a friend back home, let out it out and then got over it.

I missed home.
I felt alone.
I felt like I had jumped.
I was worried about things out of my control.
I overthought.
I felt crazy.
I wanted a child to tuck into bed every night.
I wanted to be in the slums.
I wanted a husband.
I wanted a family.
I wanted so many things RIGHT THEN.

I wrote out my thoughts, got over myself and was reminded that Jesus has me here right now for a reason. He has me here for things beyond me. And just like my friend kept saying on the phone, 'You're there for a reason." I had to say it aloud over myself while I prayed and rested. I talked with my leader -- broke things down and I was a new person. I knew that things would be okay. I committed myself to a year here and that year will entail many things.  A church plant, meetings all day, long taxi rides, rides on bodas, walks to the market, neighborhood dinners and lots of transitioning. I never know what tomorrow will look like- no matter how much we plan the day.

Example:
We took a taxi to meet with a man who is helping us with our church plant. The plans changed once we got there, which is fine- but still the prior agreement we had was gone. We were there for about an hour then we walked to the main street to wait for our ride. SIKE. It didn't show up -- next step boda-boda (motorcycles that are used as taxis- they weave in and out of traffic) I had a fear of these things, for good reason. We called 6 over and all got on them, once you get on them they know the location but they can all take different routes. I was on my boda and I noticed my driver start to hit the clutch a little more than usual, we were breaking down. The guys had already passed me and one of them had my phone because I was scared to drop it on the ride. Here I was, alone with a boda driver in the middle of a country that I am not familiar with and without a phone. There are a few moments like this that I can recall in my life -- getting lost in the grocery store as a child is a big one. I was alone, I looked behind me to see a welding place and I asked my driver if he had a phone I could borrow, but I laughed because I knew I wouldn't recall the 11 digit phone number of a team member. I was calm, but I found myself praying in such a way that was unreal. There were 3 seconds when I had no idea what to do and I imagined the movie Taken, but that fear was pushed out by my prayers. The boda driver called over another one and I got on with him. When we got to the main road he asked which way, I giggled and said -- Steaka house (near where we live) -- I met back up with the guys on the road and I laughed the entire way home. I told my friend Tony all about my experience only for him to laugh and high five me for facing a fear.

I think that is what I want here --- of course, to love until every fiber of my being hurts. I want to face fears -- to look my fears in the face and tell them to take a hike. Tell them they have no hold over me. The enemy has no hold on me-- When I doubt, when I question my feelings, when I worry about this or that, when I want to scream cry I have to remember who called me here.m