2015

It is a new year. I feel like yesterday was Thanksgiving and the day before that was my first day on tour. This year flew by, when I was little it felt like it took decades to get to my summertime birthday much less Christmas. It took forever. And now, I blink and the year has passed. It was a good one, one of my favorites. Things changed in my life, but when do things not change? This year was just more obvious, I guess. I learned a lot this year. I learned how to love more, how to give more, how to forgive, and I learned what the true meaning of joy means. I learned that I really love serving, I really love getting my hands dirty and I enjoy traveling. I learned that I am in introvert - whoa, an introvert. I also learned that I love leading, but I need time afterwards to process my days and thoughts. I realized that I overthink-- I tried to run away from it, to be the free person who does whatever and flies with the wind. That is not the case for this one, I overthink a lot. But its part of me. I don't think it stops me from living it just takes me a little more time to make a decision.

I can recall days this past year that were my favorite, I can also recall days this past year that I hated. Being that this is my blog I am sure that I repeat myself more times than not- so here is to the list of my favorite days. Please note that some of my favorite days will be forgotten, but they are in a journal buried on my book shelf. 

The day I started at the writing center at the local college in town. That was a good day, I remember being nervous about my day about what I would wear and who I would encounter. I was nervous about meeting my new co-wrokers, but I remember freaking out because I wasn't very good at grammar and I am still not. I remember when I got hired. My boss told me that I would be good at helping people get their thoughts on paper. My first 'client' came in and I remember they needed help on something small, but they didn't know how to put their thoughts on paper. As we sat in the writing center, I remember feeling like I had helped someone with something that was so small, but that was creative and I liked that. 

Two days before I left for tour, I got a phone call from another chaperone and she literally said to me, without knowing anything about me. "I feel like tour is going to open so many doors for you. Like I think you leaving for this 4 months is preparing you for something else." -- I count that as a bad day with a beautiful hidden good day. I talked myself out of tour that day because I did not want my life to change. I wanted it to stay the same, I was fine in the poolhouse. 

The day I packed and had to leave my house at 4pm to be in Florida to be dropped off for tour. I remember not crying about leaving until I couldn't fit all of my things in my bag. I couldn't zip it and I sat on my floor and wept, literally wept. I told my mom that I was not going and I started unpacking my bags. Only for her to tell me that she was not letting me talk myself out of it. That night was one I will never, ever forget. We got to the church and watched the show. After it ended, I had 18 children who I didn't know very well attack me with hugs. I cried as they welcomed me and as I said bye to my family. I remember putting my bag in the car and running back to my momma for one last hug, my dad kissing my forehead and tears from every other person in the family. I remember hugging my Pepaw and us both crying-- mind you this was the first time I'd ever left the house for more than 2 weeks. I put my bag in the wrong van that night so I had to sleep in my clothes that I wore to the show. I cried myself to sleep on a blow up mattress in a strangers house. 

The day that I knew I was free from my past. I was in Knoxville with one another chaperone. She had Chipotle for lunch and as we sat across the street from UT and both laughed louder than we ever had, our clothes did not match and I did not care what people thought about me. I remember not worrying about who I was seeing or how loud my laugh was. I just enjoyed the moment. We then walked around downtown and took pictures in front of street art and I'd never felt more like a tourist, but I was and I did not care. As we drove back to the church the sun was setting and we had the windows down and in that moment I knew that my life would never be that same. I knew that tour had changed me, that the person in the car next to me changed me, that Jesus changed me, that those kids changed my life daily. I did a laugh/cry and she asked me what was wrong and I remember just giggling and telling her, " I know that I am past my past. That that one giant thing that held me back for so long was not a worry anymore." Nothing felt more free.

The night I tucked Asia into bed and she looked me in the eyes and said, "Auntie, I am going to be missing you." I told her that I was going to be missing her. She then gently touched the side of my face and said, "I am seeing my mother in your eyes. When I go home and meet my new baby sister, I will be seeing you in her eyes." It took everything in me not to break. But I looked at her, kissed her forehead and told her that I would forever and ever be thinking about her. She is still my background on my phone and somedays when I drive in my car I hear her giggle and long to hold her sweet hand. 

The moment I watched them walk through the airport security. That moment is still being processed. I've never felt that much heartbreak. I knew they were going to their families, but I couldn't breathe. Their little tears and giant hugs will forever be etched in mind. 

The moment I called my mom to tell her I was moving to Africa. She picked up the phone crying, her voice cracked and she said- "why are you calling so early, I know what this is about and I knew it was coming." I told her about how I felt like I needed to go and she said, "Well you're going." I called Bucky that same day with knots in my stomach. 

The day that I led a team to Uganda was one that created stomach ulcers. Not because anything went wrong, I was just nervous. But when we got in the country- my heart rate when down and I took a couple of deep breaths. My team was incredible. The day I had the opportunity to baptize them in the Nile River still gives me chills. My best friend stood in the water beside me and watched me baptize some of my teammates. 

These memories could go on and on. The day my sister called me and told me she was getting married, the day I came home from tour and cried myself to sleep, my first trip to South Carolina for a staff meeting, watching a couple of babies come into the world, going to Disney, the first time I spoke at a church about the ministry.

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2015 was such a big year. It was my favorite year. I loved the big changes it brought. When I think about 2016 I get jittery and I hold back tears because my mind still can not get past the airport image. I can't think past having everyone I love hugging me bye as I board a plane to move to another country. But, just like this past year I know that this year will be a lot of big change. Each moment changing into someone better than the person I am right now.

Here is to you, 2015.