His Beautiful Mess

This blog will be me being honest with myself and with everyone who reads it. I struggle a lot. I struggle daily. Some days are worse than others-- and today was terrible. I was a mess today. I couldn't get my thoughts on the same page, I worried, I doubted, I cried and I wanted to run away. I am not sure why it happened or where it came from, but it hit and it hit hard.

Have you ever felt God pushing you to do something? Something that you aren't sure about. Something that you are literally scared to do? Something that you feel like you can't do until you are ready. But, the trick is, if we waited until we were ready to do things we'd never do anything.

With this being said. I am leading a lot of things this year. I am leading an outreach life group, a mission trip to Uganda, a preschool class and the scariest one of all-- a single girls life group. It will be a time where we come together and pray for one another,  pray for our husbands and encourage each other.

I am excited about it, but I am scared of it. I do not know what I am doing with it. I am not nervous about the trip to Uganda at all or the outreach. However, leading a group of single ladies terrifies me. Why? Because I am not comfortable in being single. I never have been. I have always had someone, always had a 'back up plan', always thought that I would be married by now. Seriously, I wanted to be married by 23. Guess what, not gonna happen. I will be 23 in July. I am single and I still haven't let that settle in yet. I am still holding on to past things and to my back up plans. I can write all day along about how to be single--how to live your life and not wait for that man to come into your life, sweep you off your feet and then you two conquer the world together.  But, the true fact is -- I am scared to move. I am scared to move forward. I am scared to live my life because I don't want to miss out on someone and end up single forever. I don't feel like I will, but if I do, I do. I will surround myself with a bunch of kiddos and my son will slow dance with me in the kitchen while my other sons and daughter dance along. It will be perfect.

Today, I had lunch with a friend that I haven't been able to because of busy schedules. Its been a friendship that I have missed, that I have needed in my life. She has alway helped me through tough chapters in my life. Today, I went to her house not expecting anything but to eat lunch and watch Friends. I sat in the kitchen while she fixed our salad. While she threw in whatever fresh, bright vegetable was in the fridge-- and her daughter shouted from the table to let us know she was done with her hotdog, she asked the question she always does: "so, whats new?"  I always say nothing, but sometimes its like she knows my life. Its wild. Shortly after small talk I found myself talking about how much I just wanted life to be simple. How hard it was for me right now, how I stay so busy because I do not know how to handle just being. I told her about the life groups I would be leading. I told her how nervous I was and I told her that it was something that Jesus wasn't letting me let go of. He was making me push through this fog and lead something for single ladies because we need to be together. As I was explaining my heart, I started crying it was like I was saying all of the right things. She threw in more tomatoes she started crying with me. That's the kind of heart she has, her heart breaks for people. Its obvious through so much. She hurts when people hurt and when tells you that she is praying for you, there is not doubt about it. When she tells you that you have be on her heart, you have and you have been prayed for. Its so special. As we both cried in the kitchen, the salad was being dressed and it was time to eat. We sat down to eat she gave me an analogy, one that I am sure most of you have heard.

I am going to add to it, because I though about it all day.
--Pretend you are home and one day you notice a gift, its wrapped and its sitting in the corner of the room. You look at it confused and you study the box, but your parents tell you not to open it. As the days pass on you still walk past the box wondering what is in it. Wondering when you can open it. Somedays you walk past it and you don't think twice about it and somedays you can't even walk past the box because you want what is inside it so bad. You wait and wait, and finally your parents tell you can open it, years have past at this point, but this day feels special. You open the box and its the thing you have waited for, its exactly what you wanted, exactly. You opened it at the right time. You waited and got it on the perfect day.

This is like Jesus and our (single ladies) husbands. We have a box sitting in a room, wrapped and waiting to be opened -- but we can't yet because we know its too soon. Then Jesus allows us to open the box and its the man of our dreams. Its the man who makes you laugh harder than anyone else in this entire world, its the man who loves Jesus so much it makes your heart stop. Its the man who wants to travel the world with you. Its the man who wants to slow dance in the kitchen with you. Its the man who holds your hand so perfectly. Its the man who tells you you're beautiful. Its the man who  wants a big family with lots of children.  Its the man who loves you for who you are. Its the man who laughs at your dumb jokes and watches sitcoms with you on rainy days, or any day. Its the man who loves your heart because you are after Jesus. Its the man who leads you to Jesus daily. Its the man who is a man.

This is what we would be missing out on if we went ahead and opened the box, this is what I would be missing out on if I tried to be in a relationship right now, because I didn't give myself enough time to just be by myself. I didn't give myself enough time to just be with Jesus.

So instead of being completely bummed out about not being in a relationship. Not having someone to slow dance with. I am going to get over it and remember that someday I will get to open that gift, that Jesus has prepared just for me, just at the right moment. I am going to lead this single ladies, life group because its what Jesus placed on my heart. Do I feel like I am completely ready for it, not at all, but if I waited to be completely ready for things before I did them-- I wouldnt do a thing. 

This life group is called 'His Beautiful Mess," I didn't name it someone else gave it its beautiful name. The description: "We are messes. Single, beautiful, chaotic messes but His masterpiece and that is always enough."  

I am His mess and I am ready to embrace this season, no matter how different it may feel.