but I'm not leaving for the World Race in two weeks. Instead I will be in classes, I will be getting ready to take my first exams this semester.
Am I bummed out at the fact that I could be leaving soon for an adventure of a lifetime, seriously? Yes.
Do I know why I said 'no' to the World Race? Absolutely.
I was searching for something. Something to make my life stand for something. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be doing with my life. Id been to Africa twice and I had friends who did mission work--- so I knew I had to do something & it had to be huge. What's bigger than putting everything that's comfortable to me aside and living out of a backpack for an entire year? ---- nothing. At least not for me. I did the phone interview and got accepted. I told my entire family I was going. I was already planning on how to pack. I decided to circle each country that I would be visting with a sharpie, which is permanent. I would sit on my couch to turn on the usual, New Girl, each night and would look up to see the map with 11 different circles, and my heart would leap, partially with excitement but more with fear.
A fear of not knowing if it's really what im supposed to do. About a week after the phone interview I received an email from Visting Orphans, explaining that they were in search of a co-leader for the Uganda trip in June. This would usually bring nothing but excitement, but it lead to my brain going into overdrive. I wasn't sure what to do-- so I prayed this prayer "okay, Jesus, you know what I just applied for. You know that's what I want to do, but I also want to lead this trip. What do you want me to do?" This lead to me waiting for about 10 minutes in silence before going onto the next prayer "okay, okay, okay, how about this I'm going to fast somethings and can I just get an answer... quick?" ---still nothing. So my final prayer "Jesus, you know that my heart desires both of these trips and you can make both of them happen, but I know it's smarter to choose one. If you want me to go on the Race, let me get accepted. If you want me to go to Uganda, don't let me get accepted.
A week passed, a phone call from The Race and I was accepted! This would usually lead to me jumping up and down in excitement. They actually have some of the phone calls on speaker so the office can hear the reactions, this reminds the workers why they do what they do. I was silent when we told me. I said "really? Are you sure!?" She replied with a giant "yes" and I held back the tears. Of course, I was excited on the phone. I was excited about getting accepted in general. I just didn't know what to do.
I had friends over when I took the phone call, I walked in and didn't tell them the news. I held it in, mainly because my brain was in overdrive. 'Jesus, I thought that the call would mean I was supposed to go and feel peace about it, why don't I feel peace?'
Id set up my first big fundraiser and decided that I would do both. I would co-lead to Uganda in June, come home for two weeks, training camp and then the race in September. The first fundraiser was an awesome turn out, but left me feeling no peace. I remember after this beautiful fundraiser I got in my car and cried. I didn't know why, I didn't have the answer. I just cried and I remember telling Jesus that it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that my friend was gone doing awesome things, it wasn't fair that my 'good' season had changed, it wasn't fair that I couldn't do both, it wasn't fair that I still didn't feel peace.
For two weeks, I was in limbo. I sent emails to The Race and to VO explaining that I had not received an answer on either yet. They understood fully and prayed me through the process. I remember a guy who worked for The Race would call me just to check in and pray, prayers sent through emails, text messages. I was praying- they were praying.
I had decided The World Race.
I told my mentor and she put it pretty clear for me. She asked me what I wanted my life to look like-- I explained it to her and she said, "nobody can tell you what to do, only you can do that. But sometimes Jesus doesn't always give us an answer, He gives us the freedom to choose- not one is better than the other." With that being said, I told her I'd chosen the race, only for her to look me dead in the eyes and ask "why did you get Africa tattooed on your shoulder?"
That was all I needed to hear, clearly. I told her why it was on my shoulder through a cracked voice. I drove home and knew that it wasn't my time for The Race. I gave it a few days to simmer and I emailed both of the organizations to let one know I wouldn't be joining and let the other know that I would love more than anything to co-lead a trip.
I've co-led that trip now, I learned so much from it. So. Much. I made friends. Incredible friends. I was a leader and it wasn't until this past week that I realized that my team members still see me as a leader, I got a phone call last week from someone seeking advice. I got baptized in the Nile River, only to turn around and have the opportunity to baptize some of my team mates. I was pushed and molded. When I got to the airport the first day of meeting my team, I saw that one member had on a bracelet that read #11n11-- I asked her if she had gone on The Race, and she explained that her boyfriend was on it currently. By looking at her red World Race bracelet and seeing the team all meet each other for the first time in the airport, I finally felt that peace I was searching for.
Sure, I still think about what my life would look like right now if I were about to leave for a year. My room would probably be cleaner, my body would be in better shape, my attitude would be lighter, my bags would be packed, my words would mean more, my hugs would last longer, my quiet time would dig deeper and I probably would appreciate the nights my cat hogs the entire bed. But, just because I'm not leaving for The Race in two weeks doesn't mean that those things listed above shouldn't happen. I should be living my life like Jesus will call me to move any second. I am thankful for The Race. I'm thankful for Visting Orphans who let me co-lead and is now letting me lead in July. I'm thankful for a Jesus who gives me the freedom to choose.
And I'm thankful that I can follow my peace.
No comments:
Post a Comment