right now

Being at the lake it reminds me so much of being at the nile river, I'm not sure why.  I guess it's the stillness of the water, the greenery, and the red dirt on the bank across the water. I still miss it most days, I wake up hearing Grace's giggle or hearing a rooster and I wonder for a split second if I am there, but then I notice the nice cozy bed and the nicely painted walls and I hear the humming of the air conditioner and I immediately know that I'm here in America and for a split second I get bummed out that I'm not waking up to an adventure that day. I'm not waking up knowing that what I'm doing is helping people. I'm not treking up a mountain. 

Instead, I'm here coming down the mountain, I'm realizing that it's not always about being on top of the mountain because that's when the enemy knows he can't get to you. I feel like the real test and challenge lies while you're coming down the mountain, because that when you are having to fight things off. You are having to be real with yourself and other people. You are having to literally yell at the enemy some days to leave you alone. 

As I've stated more than enough times: it's not alway sunshine. This past week has not been a good one, emotions that I felt at 17 are all coming back up; simply because I'm allowing them to. Nothing seems to be going smoothly, nothing is light hearted and as of Sunday I'd given up. I'd let the enemy control my thoughts, my afternoon even. I had family issue rise that I had no idea were happening, I had a bad fight with a good friend, I got stung by a wasp only for my hand to swell up. I wanted to be alone and be with my thoughts, but I had to push through, put on a smile and then attend a birthday party where we worshipped and had cake. 

Then I broke. While I sat in the corner of the candle lit room surrounded by my friends who all loved Jesus so much. I had a friend come over and pray for me, she continued to say 'enough' as if it were Jesus saying it directly to me. I have felt like I have not been enough since being home, I've felt like I wasn't giving enough of myself, I didn't feel good enough. 

And then the next day came around and A phone call that explained so much. The community lost someone else so young. I was called to be there for my best friend and that's all I could do. I always want to do more, I always want to fix things but in that moment I realized that I couldn't be anymore than what I was being. 

Thoughout the night watching my close friends who all sat in the room the night before, come together to just be there and love on people was such a beautiful thing now that I sit here in silence and find the beauty in all of the mess. I think that's how Jesus intended it to be. 

Jesus has pushed me. He has taught me so much just in this last 4 days and that's simply: I do not have the answers, I don't not know why bad things happen, sometimes words aren't needed, and everyone in this world is broken; wounds don't heal as fast as we'd like them to, words hurt people and people hurt people. 

But one thing that still remains: Jesus knows the answers, He is still in control. Even when I make the biggest mess I've ever created- He still is there waiting for me to run to Him and for Him to give a peace that only He can provide. 

I may not be on my mountaintop high that I get in Africa, but where I am now I wouldn't leave if someone handed me a plane ticket in this very moment, because these are the moments where I am molded, shaped and where Jesus gets all of the glory.