when love loves back

To the little girl who stole the last little bit of my heart that wasn't already over there. I am not sure why I think of you first thing in the morning and periodically throughout the day. I am not sure why I cry when I think about your giggle. I can't help but smile through the tears. I can't help but think of you when I see another two year olds, I imagined that you were in my preschool class this morning while I taught. I think you'd fit right in. I cant help but imagine me picking you up when you say 'auntie, auntie'-- and my heart cannot fathom why you are in an orphanage. My heart hurts thinking about you being only two and sleeping in a room amongst other babies. My heart longs to hear your giggle. I am not sure what this is going to look like. I am not sure if I will see you again, but I will never forget that moment when I went to walk out the gate and you held so tightly to my hand I looked down at you, our eyes met and you kissed my hand multiple times. 

I know that you are protected by Jesus, I know that He holds you when you cry at night, I know that he holds your hand when nobody else does. But I think at this point I'd give anything to hold you, pray for you and teach you all about Jesus. 

As I was talking to someone very important in my life I talked about Grace with tears rolling down my face. And in response I got "that's what happenes when love, loves back"-- how can I even comprehend that? How can I even begin to acknowledge the power that comes with that? I went there to just love her and she manged to love me back. So I think on it. 

And come to this conclusion: this is a microscopic glimpse as to how Jesus must feel when his children run to Him. This must be how He feels when we put ourselves aside and call on Him. As I walked out the gate sweet Grace held my hand so tightly as to say "don't leave me" and then she kissed my hand knowing that I couldn't stay. 

Of course we can stay with Jesus, but most of us allow our own desires to take us away from Him, but He is still there loving and waiting for us to return. 

And I'd like to imagine that He kisses our hand with tears in his eyes knowing that we go our own way for a while. But He doesn't love us any less because of it, He still loves us just as much as He does the day He created us. 

&& I think that's the beauty in being His daughter. Knowing that He loves me every second of everyday. He's never left me and he never will leave me and one day I will get to see Him face to face. I will get to worship Him every second of forever. I will get to dance with Him. Sing with Him and just sit at His feet forever. 

& hopefully I will have Grace sitting in my lap and Joseani sitting to my side.