It is well

How is it possible to feel so distant in a house full of people. Our house has a revolving door- it always does. Currently as I take a break from the crowd of people. The crowd number is up to 15 and it's just a Tuesday night. I tried being social but the conversations seemed to be tuned out by the flashback of the sunrise, of their hands, of their bright faces, of their giggles, of the rooster who woke me up daily, of my team. I think of these things. These things that I hold so closely to my heart. 

My body isn't sure if it's day or night. So I walk around like zombie only to hear "how was it"-- I respond with "beautiful or incredible" and then the next question "did you have fun?"

Is that a question for right now? I'd imagine asking that question after a trip to Disney or the beach, but after returning home from a developing country. 'Fun' is the last word I would use to describe the trip. Sure, there were moments of complete joy, of pure fun, of jokes and laughter but then there are moments when it feels like my heart is being ripped from my being. Moments that I have to step back and breathe because they are too beautiful. Like moments that you only imagine feeling in heaven. 

You'd think that after doing this 3 times it'd get easier each time. The coming home part gets harder and harder. I can say with no hesitation that I have cried more in the past two days than I have in a long time. The tears come at random times, it's not one certain thing that does it. It's things like quiet time, like the sunrise this morning, like when I put my feet in the pool this afternoon, when I talked to a dear friend about Grace & when I thought about the freedom that I felt there. 

So my question lies here:: how do I make this easier? 

Answer:: I don't. Instead, I embrace these moments where I feel so disconnected and I process and work through the feelings. 

Most of you reading this have been in a relationship before & you've had your heart broken before. So this is the best way I can explain it-- you know that feeling you have when your heart gets broken? The one where you feel almost like something is missing, you wait for a phone call just to put your mind at ease, you cry because the person is gone-- that's how being home feels. It feels like something is missing. Like I'm waiting for a phone call from Uganda itself telling me the red dirt, roosters and kiddos miss me. I cry because I replay moments that I will never forget & that are so beautiful that putting them in a sentence on a blog won't give them justice. 

Then there's another part of a relationship- the beginning. The best part. The part where you're learning each other. You get butterflies when you talk or look at each other from across the room, you love being around that person, of course we all know that one day that ends, but something more meaningful happens-- you fall in love but you have to work at it more. It's not as easy as it was at the beginning but it's so precious and special that it still makes you're heart stop when you see the person from across the room sometimes. 

That's where I am with Jesus right now. I know what the beginning of the relationship with Jesus feels like but here is the part where I cry because I don't want this feeling to go away- the part where I want to stay in His presence forever. & the part where I just want Him to reach out and grab my hand. I'm having to teach myself, discipline myself and push myself to get to this spot and maintain it. I'm scared of letting it go. 

So, while my heart breaks and longs to be in a country on the other side of the world, my Creator is sitting still with me in my field, on my couch, in my car, in my bed, on my swing and listening to my heart and He is comforting me the best way anyone could by just loving me and allowing me to sit in His presence for as long as I'd like. 

It is well with my soul.