runners

I guess I put myself in this situation time after time. Growing up when I started having spend the night company in middle school I always tended to bring home the kid who needed love, the 'new kid' or the girl whose parents were going through a divorce. I guess I didn't realize it until I was out of the situation. My mom and I had this conversation a couple of years back-- she said 'I always worried about you growing up because you had friends that wanted to be around you, but you always wanted to include everyone, you brought home the kids that made me nervous as a mother, because I knew they wouldn't be there for long.' But being in the 8th grade you don't think like that. I explained to my mother that I had no clue that I was bringing them home only for them to leave me. I was bringing them home because home was the only place that I knew could help people. It was a place of love, my house has always been like that. My parents have a revolving door and the love in our house feels pure and wholesome. Good food. Good people. We have a large table we all sit at so I would bring people into that thinking that it would start this lifelong relationship. However, a few months later they run to the next group of friends. I would cry for a little bit and then get over it.

Runner: somebody or something that runs, especially an athlete or a horse in a race-

At 21 years old, I can't even begin to count the times that I have ran from situations. I was a professional runner at the age of 16. I would get this really good friend or even the little short term boyfriends I had, I would enjoy being around them so much, but the second they started showing intrest back towards me-- I ran. I couldn't balance it. I got scared so I dashed. No matter what that looked like, I left a trail of course. I would break their heart and run never to talk to them again, only making 5th period awkward for everyone at this point. I have done it since I was young. I can tell you when it started and I can tell you why it started, I was 14. My boyfriend of two years left me for a close friend and my family was going through a crisis of their own. So nothing good was sticking. Everything I knew that was happy, that was pure, the love at the big table was crashing fast. It felt like it was running away from me. So in return I built up concrete walls and put on my tennis shoes to say the least. I started running from everything and everyone that was good.

I usually don't come off as a 'thinker.'  I realize that but I think so much sometimes that I freak myself out. I can watch someone walk down the street and within 4 minutes I have their entire life figured out. I watch people, I learn their mannerisms, I listen to their voice and how it changes. I learn people quick. Its really a blessing and a curse.

From having multiple friends throughtout the past few years walk in and out of my life. I listen to them, I hear their hearts and then when they leave I trace it back. I replay the stories and its just like how I was for a little while-- something is good so they run from it. They run far and fast never hoping to look back, but then one day they do. That's how I was. I had a boyfriend, we only dated for two months. I was 17, I liked this boy a lot. We started 'dating', a week went by and just like that I was running from him. I didn't break up with him- I literally ran. I hid from the situation, dodging him. Then finally I had to do it, so I ended it. Only for us to be the best of friends. He moved off and I remember thinking 'idiot'. Why did I feel the need to run? Why did I run from something that was good? Then like a ton of bricks it hit me---- stop running or nothing is going to stick.

I quit running.

Only now to watch my friends who still do run. They are in their mid twenties, some even older who still lace up their tennis shoes and run fast and far. From watching and listening, I have learned that it stems from watching their parents. From clinging onto people and things that can eventually run from them. As children we grow up watching our parents. They teach us more than we think they do. We are like their little clones upon the earth, whether we realize that or not. What they have done while we were watching we soaked it up like a sponge only to mock it in our future. We watch our parents and say to ourselves that we want to be 'mommies just like my mommy' or we watch our parents and watch their love for one another and then we want to mock what we see, but then what happens when they hit a storm? What happens when dad walks out? What happens when everything we know, out 'superhero' parents are human after all. What happens when we come to that realization?

We [the children] without knowing it, now have psychological things to work through. We worry if we will ever find anyone to love us and actually stick with us. So we do what every person with these doubt would do.. Struggle. We date, we do whatever we can to keep them there, we hang onto promises that were not meant for us. We don't let go of the past, we constantly relive it in our own lives only to damage our future. We get in relationships and the second that we have a thought similar to this one 'this could be the one, I could marry this person'--we lace up our shoes and run.

What makes it happen? Why does it constantly occur? Why do we go through these cycles? Because we are scared-- we are scared about losing someone. Or better yet, we are scared of letting someone in and then leaving us. So instead we resort to taking relationships at face value. We don't appreciate the true beauty in a relationship. We fall short of the pure love stories. 

For myself, the past, for the people I listen to daily or the people I have listened to in the past. We are terrified.  We have let fear and the enemy have too much power.  We can't seem to just lay it down. We hold so tightly that our knuckles are white. But we are holding onto a problem that isn't ours. 

I hung my tennis shoes up when I realized that Jesus won't run from me. That he is going to be there all the time, no matter what. I could scream and cry only for Him to be waiting to give me that peace that only He can. There are situations that make me want to run, but instead of packing the car and going to my spot two hours away-- I simply work through it. I try to at least. I am human & of course I still struggle.

I'm writing this post because I've seen a lot of broken people this past couple of weeks. && I just want people to see their worth. I want you to see the beauty in yourself. I want you to quit running towards something only to shy away when it gets good because it's not fair to the other person. It's too heavy. And Jesus created us to be so much stronger than the things we have seen in our past. He created us to be warriors. To live for Him-- not for our parents, not for their mistakes. Live life and take chances. Don't be afraid of things that may be good simply because you are afraid you will mess it up. Embrace each moment, those moments when you are in the car with someone you love- tell them. && don't hurt people intentionally-- it's not cool. Let people be free. Let people live life. And YOU live YOUR life. Not your parents. 

We are not our parents mistakes. We are who Jesus created us to be and that is something too beautiful to put into words. 

I said 'we' a lot. I'm visiting DC and 'we the people' is all over the place.