pump the breaks

If I could sleep I'm sure life would be easier but for some reason when Africa gets closer the hours I need to be sleeping tend to just fade away as I sit awake in the bed, while my best friend snores beside me. All I do is think. What is there to think on? I will be there in 6 days- the thinking should be gone by now. Wrong. 

Along with these trips comes a bit of stress. Of course the beauty of being there outweighs it all, but before you get to the country and even some then, the enemy is trying his best to stop you. I spend time in bed going over scenarios- good ones, bad ones, scary ones and then I think about packing. I use to believe the scariest thing for me was packing. 

I mean I dont want to forget anything because there isn't a Wal Mart in Uganda. I don't want to have too much in a suitcase and have to deal with a weight issue. && the last one-- what about my carryon, will I put my clothes in there. If I don't I could lose them in luggage confusion. It seems really petty but that used to be the main worry. 

Now, here is the new worry- being that this trip I am not going just to be loving on kiddos, I'm going as a coleader. A CO LEADER. It's a tiny bit of a change; simply because I will be in charge of people's lives. I will be leading by example, really--really. Not just saying it at a youth camp, but really it's in my title this time. And not only that, my leader is already in Africa- she went early to spend time with her family over in the country. No biggie, I just have to gather the team in the airport by myself and make sure everyone is there and accounted for. Secret: I'm terrified of airports. I feel like a lost child when I'm on one and then there's the fear of security. I would never have a bomb or drugs on my body, but the second I start putting my shoes in the bucket, immediate fear of the security guard in the corner tackling me only to find a bomb somewhere on me- just replays over and over. && if any of you reading happen to be an airport security-- you guy rock on the intimidation scale.

On top of these dumb fears, I recieved an email from my leader who is already in Uganda telling me that she has hurt herself. She has fallen and broke one foot and fractured the other. She explains that this will not stop her and it sure hasn't, but it's still a bummer to know that both of her feet are hurting while she's in the place that makes her come alive. I've only met this lady one time and it was in Nashville at leadership training, but passionate about Africa is an understatement. Her heart for these trips, her family and life in general is golden. She has leading trips down to a science. Which is a very good thing to learn from.

But real quick---

Jesus, can you please pump the breaks?! You're scaring me. You're taking me completely out of my comfort zone. You are placing me as a leader, quiet Callie who prayed out loud for the very first time in her life only 3 years ago. Now you have me taking a team to Africa, where I left the old Callie behind years ago. You have me taking people who have never left this country. You have me creating a VBS curriculum for 600 kiddos and not only that, but you have me scheduled to stand up on a stage and teach it, you have me praying out loud at the drop of a hat, you have me leading conference calls (that word conference has always sounded way too intimidating) but you have me leading them now? You have me going to another country with people I've never met... to love your people. 

But that's how You do it. This is how You work. I never in a thousand years would have thought the first time I touched African soil that I would be leading a team there. I never thought that You would trust me with that big of a reaponsiblity. But here we are. I leave in 6 days. You hear my doubts, my worries, my questions, my concerns and you listen, even when I repeat them 20 times within an hour, you still listen and then you also hear me when I 'get it'-- you see me when it clicks and the peace that only YOU can give overtakes my wondering mind. I'd like to think that you smile in these moments, because I laugh when they take place, just like I did as I wrote this sentence.

I'm realizing this week that I don't have it figured out. Life in general. I struggle with trying to control certain things and worry about somethings that I have no control over, but You do have it figured out. Not many things in my life in the past three years have turned out like I thought they would, but they are turning out like You knew they would and that's the whole idea behind life. Once I put what Callie wants aside, what You give me is going to be better than anything I ever could have imagined. 

Even though I am still a tiny bit confused as to why I am the one Co leading this trip, I cant help but have an overwhelming peace of knowing it's exactly what you want me to do. Because if you didn't push me-- my bum wouldn't move off of the comfort couch and New Girl would never go off. 

so thank you for pushing. even when I do not want to move. 

This is a picture from my first trip to Africa, this was one of the last days there and just in those two weeks you can tell  difference in my eyes. The life came back to them. Jesus showed me himself in multiple ways. I was still so shy at this point in my life. I was like a baby learning to walk- I was born again in Africa and I was His daughter learning to walk on His path. I have change since this picture was taken. I look at this picture and sometimes giggle because of how much i have grown since this day. I remember this day like yesterday, this moment, the surroundings, the people, the sounds, the kiddos outside of the orphanage looking through the gate, but most importantly I remember feeling loved so much and it wasn't by a boy, it wasn't by a friend or even my family. It was from my Father, who created me and placed me here in Africa to find out just how much he really does love me.