Today I got to mark something off of my bucket list. I had the opportunity to speak at a ladies retreat. After this long week of preparing and writing 75 different speeches to say at the event, I finally gave up. I started asking Jesus if he really wanted me to speak because I wasn't 'feeling' it. I was worried that I wouldnt say the right things, that I wouldnt give the children justice, that I wouldnt give those women a 'wow' factor. I had told my mother that I just wasnt sure about it and then Jesus hit with bricks, not like a ton of bricks, but I'd like to think that he threw a brick right at me and then in my high pitch voice i said 'are you kidding me'?!
I always advise people to look for Jesus in the small things. Yet, I fall short to doing that; however, this week He showed me some very special small moments. One morning I woke up to take my friend to her car, the sun was rising (sunrises always remind me of Africa) I started thanking Him for things in general and then I went to what I call my field and walked around just praying. I turned on All Sons and Daughter and watched the sun peek over the trees. I started praying for my friends and my family, not just small prayers but proclaiming things over their life. I prayed for this weekend at the retreat. It was the start of Jesus showing me small things all week. As the week progressed I took things for face value, I didnt search for many big things I simply smiled at the small things and it wasnt until two days ago that Jesus hit me again with a brick.
I made my friend a scrapbook when we got home from Africa the first time and I asked to borrow it, not really to show the ladies, but for me to go back to that first trip. I figured looking at it would bring back some sort of journal entry that I had forgotten to write. I started looking at it while sitting on my front porch as the sun was setting and started sobbing. It was like a tidal wave of emotions came to me and Jesus spoke to me so clearly 'you are going to do this'.
So I started preparing, I knew that I wanted to give each lady a picture of a child that I had met, I knew that I had to share my testimony (which is very nerve racking, you dont want to share too much) I knew that I wanted to give those kiddos a story, make them real. I started writing and freaking out, going over it and over it in my head.The next night I walked into the retreat only to see a girl who helped me during my Invisible Children days sitting at the retreat amongst all of the other ladies, there she was. It was like one clue after the next. Saturday mooring rolled around and I watched the sunrise over the field from my bathroom window and I started praying, Im pretty sure I was in prayer all day. I had a few great people pray over me that I would deliver my testimony and story of Africa. I looked at my phone to check Facebook before heading over and I saw that Joseani (my little girl from Africa) tagged me in photos the hour before, she had not been on Facebook for 5 months and today of all days she took photos of herself and sent them to me for me to see. A bunch of other little moments throughout the day just gave me a peace of knowing that Jesus was with me. My nonna kept telling me that whenever I would step up to the podium outstanding peace would come over me. I was very worried that it wouldn't.
I walked into the retreat and as the ladies were having brunch I stepped out the back door to really just have that one last one on one time with Jesus, I stepped back and he told me again that He had this. I walked inside and the music started, we sang a few hymns and then it was my turn to step up... my nonna let go of my hand and I closed my bible, took one last look at Joseani's picture and walked towards the podium. I placed my Bible down and opened it back up to see her sweet smile. Then it hit me, I had no notes, I didn't have a speech written out, I didn't have a journal entry to read and it was in a small whisper He said 'FAITH'. I looked up and through a shaky voice introduced myself, cracked a joke and then opened in prayer. The last word I said was peace and then it started. My nonna was in the back corner and she was my 'break pedal' she would give me signal of when to slow down because I tend to talk really fast when I am passionate about something, like really fast. Three minutes in she gave me the signal and then I took a deep breathe and it started flowing. It was like an outer-body experience. I talked about things I had not even written in a journal, I talked about my past, my present and my future. I talked about Jesus and how much he truly tore down walls that first time in Africa. I had the crowd laughing, I had the crowd crying, they were plugged in and I was loving it.
As my mom passed about the pictures of the kiddos and I talked about each one of them and their beautiful lives, I made it real for these ladies. && at the end of the talk I challenged a group of women way older than me. I challenged them?!!? Who am I? I challenged them to pray for these kids, to pray for missionaries.
Today was yet another challenge, but nothing I didn't have to face without my Saviour.
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