here for a reason

This blog is being written from a heart that is all over the place. I am not sure what I am doing here and the enemy reminds me of that daily. DAILY. It is not a fair thing he does, its just something he does and I let him do it. It is not fair to myself or to the people around me. I get trapped in my thoughts and I let it steal my joy.

I moved here to love, to be Jesus' hands and feet and to love people no matter what their past is. I moved here to be equal- and a bold statement would be something like, "I hate my skin color." I've only thought that like 500 times since being here. I have thought over and over how much I hate, hate skin color of any kind. I hate knowing that white people, "muzungus" get looked at differently -- in some places treated like royalty, in others taken advantage of. It's a weird world out here. I never know what to expect.

This season is a season of building a foundation and those are never fun -- but they are necessary. Yesterday I broke. I have held it together for awhile, AWHILE and after our meeting I broke. I walked straight to my room  I tried so hard to hold it in, but within 2 minutes I went into my shirt like a turtle hiding in its shell and I wept. I called a friend back home, let out it out and then got over it.

I missed home.
I felt alone.
I felt like I had jumped.
I was worried about things out of my control.
I overthought.
I felt crazy.
I wanted a child to tuck into bed every night.
I wanted to be in the slums.
I wanted a husband.
I wanted a family.
I wanted so many things RIGHT THEN.

I wrote out my thoughts, got over myself and was reminded that Jesus has me here right now for a reason. He has me here for things beyond me. And just like my friend kept saying on the phone, 'You're there for a reason." I had to say it aloud over myself while I prayed and rested. I talked with my leader -- broke things down and I was a new person. I knew that things would be okay. I committed myself to a year here and that year will entail many things.  A church plant, meetings all day, long taxi rides, rides on bodas, walks to the market, neighborhood dinners and lots of transitioning. I never know what tomorrow will look like- no matter how much we plan the day.

Example:
We took a taxi to meet with a man who is helping us with our church plant. The plans changed once we got there, which is fine- but still the prior agreement we had was gone. We were there for about an hour then we walked to the main street to wait for our ride. SIKE. It didn't show up -- next step boda-boda (motorcycles that are used as taxis- they weave in and out of traffic) I had a fear of these things, for good reason. We called 6 over and all got on them, once you get on them they know the location but they can all take different routes. I was on my boda and I noticed my driver start to hit the clutch a little more than usual, we were breaking down. The guys had already passed me and one of them had my phone because I was scared to drop it on the ride. Here I was, alone with a boda driver in the middle of a country that I am not familiar with and without a phone. There are a few moments like this that I can recall in my life -- getting lost in the grocery store as a child is a big one. I was alone, I looked behind me to see a welding place and I asked my driver if he had a phone I could borrow, but I laughed because I knew I wouldn't recall the 11 digit phone number of a team member. I was calm, but I found myself praying in such a way that was unreal. There were 3 seconds when I had no idea what to do and I imagined the movie Taken, but that fear was pushed out by my prayers. The boda driver called over another one and I got on with him. When we got to the main road he asked which way, I giggled and said -- Steaka house (near where we live) -- I met back up with the guys on the road and I laughed the entire way home. I told my friend Tony all about my experience only for him to laugh and high five me for facing a fear.

I think that is what I want here --- of course, to love until every fiber of my being hurts. I want to face fears -- to look my fears in the face and tell them to take a hike. Tell them they have no hold over me. The enemy has no hold on me-- When I doubt, when I question my feelings, when I worry about this or that, when I want to scream cry I have to remember who called me here.m

Uganda | I have been here for a week.

I have been here for a week.

This week has been a wild one so far, I learned a few things about life and myself.

Things I learned -
1. Friends come in all different ways
2. Public transportation isn't something I am use to yet
3. This family is one of my favorite units
4. Ugandans can talk for hours
5. Living without air conditioner can be a challenge
6. Cold Showers are better than anything else in this world
7. It was not a surprise when the carpenter takes our couch and puts it in the front yard and leaves it there for hours, to fix it -- only for him to leave for 4 hours.
8. Goat meat isn't that bad, but nothing something I want everyday
9. Fans are literally from heaven
10. Ugandan phone plans are confusing.
11. Wifi goes out often and its common
12. Ice is my favorite thing


Things I've learned about myself -
1. Wet washcloths on a hot day are the best things ever sent
2. Jesus is too good
3. Devotions at night remind me just how much Jesus loves me
4. Pictures from home, make me miss home
5. Boda-Bodas may not be the way I choose to get from point a to point b
6. Prayer stops my overthinking brain
7. Hammocks at night are the best things
8. Deep conditioner will need to be used weekly.
9. I laugh a lot here.
10. Vitamin C is taken daily
11. Eye drops are put in often
12. My face is covered in dirt every second of everyday
13. The market was one of my favorite things
14. I am ready to be surrounded by kids - so ready.
15. Ice is my favorite thing


I learn new things daily, I love it here. But I am overwhelmed here -- only by my own thoughts, I am thankful. So many of you have reached out and it has been so helpful during this first little bit. Right now it feels like I am on a short term mission trip, but when I lay my head down on my (borrowed) pillow I am reminded that this is my home. No matter how many times I compare my stories to others stories, no matter how many times I talk myself out of being here, no matter how bad I want a Krispy Kreme doughnut -- this is my home and Jesus has me here. & He constantly gives me a peace. I can say honestly that I haven't overthought near as much as I did in America. I think that says a lot.
Their smiles resinate deep within me. Their little hands break me down. I told someone the other day I wanted 1,000 -- their response,  "thats a big house." I giggled and my mind went to what Heaven will be like, being surrounded by so many children - that joy. That may be when I get my 1,000 children, but until that day I am going to share the love that Jesus so selflessly gives me every single day.

Uganda : Day 3 [Still processing]

I know now what Katie Davis was talking about when she said that she was constantly sweating. We have been here for 3 days and I have been in a constant state of sweating. We haven’t gone out much— we’ve been settling in, getting our house set up - nesting, and team bonding. I woke up today missing home. i think that will be normal for the first little bit. I didn’t really miss America much, even though I was extremely hot due to no air conditioner. I just missed my family, that community. The community here is wonderful though. We worship every night. It is nice to have Ugandans with us singing to Jesus. Its like tour all over again, sidetone: I cannot wait to see those babes. Tomorrow is church and I think I will be able to see 2, at least I am hoping so.

Yesterday we went to the market. I had Alejandro behind me and Bucky in front of me at all times. Charles, one of our Ugandan family members, gave us rules before we showed up. “Keep your bags in front of you and the lady stays in the middle.” I understood why the second we stepped down the side street. It was crazy, crowded. You’ve all seen movies with Chinatown, I am sure. Imagine that size of the street, people and shops--  now put a truck driving down every other 8 minutes. It was crazy, but I am so glad I didn’t miss out on it. 

This blog is all over the place, partially because I am all over the place.

I am overwhelmed, but continent.

I am sad sometimes, but joyful.

I am worried sometimes about he future, but I am at peace. 

It is all crazy that I am here. That this is my home. That I was chosen to be on this adventure. I wouldn’t trade this for the world. I have laughed and cried and laughed more. Today we sat in the hammocks and a little girl peeked her head over our wall to greet us. She said her name was, Josephine and she was 10. I am beyond excited to go out into our village and meet the families. We are having them over for dinner soon. 

My heart could explode most days, already. 

Innocent is living with us and seeing him brings back so many memories of tour, of the joy and of Jesus. He brings joy without saying words. 

I am here. I am ready and I am excited. 

(said like Leslie Knope) 

Uganda: The first day

This is my first post from Uganda. What I have been counting down is here now. I am on my bed, on my computer typing this - however, I am writing this on my notes and when we get wifi I will have to walk to the living area of the other house to actually post it. 

Travel could not have gone smoother. I sat next to Alejandro on every flight, we know each other well -so we knew when to keep our minds distracted from the other thinking that was beginning or when to crack jokes to make the air lighter. We missed our families and the flight just feels like you are sitting in a giant air bird, while they are living on, you are frozen still. However, we were flying towards our new home. The kids did great on the flight, Becca did not sleep much, but she also did not scream the entire flight. Which is a good thing for everyone around. Zac and Tony did great. At one point I looked over my seat and Tony had wrapped the entire blue blanket around his body, it looked like he was auditioning to be in the Blue Man group. Zac created a sweater out of the red blankets out of another plane. The boys did great, Xan and Brennan watching Inside Out 30 times. 

We arrived in Uganda with all of our luggage. We made it to the big bus, loaded up and headed to our house. We got home about 12:30am. The drive over was nice, windows open, chill and breezy. I played, “Your Promises” while I looked around at my new city. I giggled when I tried to imagine was Xan and Brennan were thinking. If life were a movie. That would be the opening scene, us in the van — tired, but ready and Bucky playing “Africa” by TOTO. 

I met my roommate Gloria. She is the household, but already — she is my friend. I was scared to tell her by fear of the dark. But I did and she said, “me too. I sometimes sleep with the light on” — I nearly screamed for joy a I grabbed my battery operated string lights out of my bag. I placed them between our beds and we both crawled into our beds across from each other and started to chat. I found out that writes, she loves writing. She wants to go into journalism. She has at least 5 friends who want to to do the same thing. I asked if she had a blog or anything and she asked what a blog was. I get to show her mine later, and I cannot wait. I also may or may not have invited her friends over for a writing party one night. 

Today we all woke up at different times. Gloria cooked me an egg and I had Ugandan tea. I had a cold shower and then I tried to find my hammock, which I am realizing now may have been left behind. I read a bit and wrote in my journal. I am realizing how important it is to quote scripture over myself. Even on days like today, when we are not doing a thing except getting used to being in Uganda. I tried to think about what next week will look like, what life looks like outside of the gate or what our neighbors are like and I get overwhelmed. Not that those are bad things at all, it is just Jesus already reminding me to live in every single moment given to me on this adventure. Even the moments when I sit on my bed and break down verses while I read them aloud, or while I sit on the couch and play the only song I know on the guitar, or while I watch everyone do their own thing today, or while answering questions that Gloria has about pasta. Or while I hear kids outing and giggling from down the street, music booms from somewhere else, and I think Zac is trying out the ukulele. The rest are walking to the carpenters to see if out shelves are done being built. 

Things I have learned so far:

You can see the TVs on Time Square from the air 

Europeans are close to my heart. 

I love the cold.

The movie Dead Poets Society changed my life.

Timing is everything in life.

How to lock a Ugandan door 

How to deal with a cold shower 

__________________________________________________

There will be more things added to that list today I am sure of it, but we will just leave it at those for now. 

I am thankful, My heart is full and I have a huge peace that surpasses all understanding. Such a peace. 

Also, I fell out of a hammock today. But it was perfect and funny. 

last night in the poolhouse

As I start this blog, I have pushed play on my last episode of Friends, I sit on my couch and my cat sits on the bar watching me, my favorite two candles are lit and my best friend sit on my bed charging her phone. Nothing seems different, except the empty poolhouse and the packed luggage that sits by the wall, waiting to be put in the car in the morning.

Today was my last day in Dothan during this season of life. Tomorrow, very early, we pack the cars and head to South Carolina so I can join the team.

This blog will be short because I am not sure how to process anything yet. I think it finally hit me today while I was trying to write letters to people. I broke. I literally looked around and I could not stop reminiscing. I walked in the house and let my daddy hold me while I cried. It was a raw moment, a moment where he told me that, "this was all going to be okay, things will be easier once I get there. Right now it is hard to see past the airport"

Today my childhood best friend came over and we made a memory box -- We've said we would do it since Crossroads came out in the early 2000s. Now she has two kids and I am moving to Uganda and tonight we did it, we both put things in there that meant something to each of us. We laughed and read old school letter we wrote to each other and then we put it in the top of my closet.

Today I had so many special moments. I am always the one to try and create moments to try and remember, however, today I didn't really have to do that. They all came natural. I said, "bye" to so many people. I drove on dirt roads at sunset and I cried and then laughed more than once. I spent extra time with my cat and I just reflected. It was a good day.

A good ending to this chapter. I am forever thankful for this poolhouse. For my momma who helps me pack and who knows how to deal with my stress. I am thankful for my couch. I am thankful for my sweet cat, Joey. I am thankful for my picture wall. I am thankful for my favorite candles. I am thankful for Alabama. I am thankful for dirt roads. I am thankful for my car. I am thankful for Uganda. I am thankful for change.

This blog was all over the place. I am all over the place, but I have a peace that surpasses all understanding and that feels the best. Jesus has given me more peace than ever before.


&& for the next 30 minutes I will finish the final episode of Friends, take the pictures off my wall, I will wash my face-brush my teeth- put on my pjs and then tuck my best friend in one more time in the poolhouse. Then I will crawl into my bed, wait for Joey to join me and then we will fall asleep. Tomorrow morning I will wake up and say bye to my sweet cat and to the house we lived in.

This will not be easy, but it will be worth it.