Eve. The mother of all living things

I'm sitting outside after spending the morning with one of my best fiends. She dropped me off back at my house as little bit ago and I decided to sit outside and pull out the Bible my Nonna got me for Christmas. The Bible is bright purple and the front reads, 'Spirt Led Woman's Bible,' in all pretty cursive, I am describing the outside of this Bible to you because I need you to know how much it does not sound like a Bible I would choose. However, I sat down picked up the purple bible, looked at my old brown torn apart one and I walked back outside with the purple one in hand. I opened, tried to read John and then felt like I was supposed to start at the beginning-- the very beginning. It was a letter from the author of this Bible. She is a woman and she got other women to write encouraging things all throughout this book. She talked about the different studies you could do, the prayers, she ever talked about journaling your thoughts-- which I loved because I love doing that. Well I say I do, I haven't written in a journal in awhile, just on here or on the notepad on my phone.

Onto, my story. I titled this entry Eve.
Because Eve is who I read about today. When I mention Eve in the back of my mind I still hear the woman at my church say something super awkward about puberty. She said, "we can just blame Eve for that." I felt uncomfortable and was unsure what she meant. Its not a big deal- I've only held onto the comment for years. So pushing past that, Eve. The meaning of her name is life. The Old Testament tells us that she is the 'mother of all living.' Powerful.

Recently I've been on a bit of a feminist kick. You can blame Leslie Knope. I have enjoyed researching and studying women who have strength. Who are strong. Who are strong with a man and strong without. Women who can handle their own, but also women who are strong enough to date someone. Women who have endured childbirth and talk about their children like they are rockstars. I love it. I love womens rights, but the topless marching in New York last week was a bit much. Most of it is a bit much, I just love when a woman says something clever back to a man who asks a dumb question, or a woman who can respond to a cat call quickly.

Eve.

I feel like she would be this. Now, I just finished reading about her ten minutes ago and I am still processing as I write, but God created her from a mans being. He literally removed a rib from a man and created her. In this Bible it says, "she is a weaker vessel, but there is a inner strength within her."
I love that line for so many reasons. As you read in Genesis you read that God tells both, Adam and Eve, not to eat from the tree of knowledge. But Eve does it and from then on anyone who reads the Bible, only reads her mistake. That's the things though, like most women we think people only remember us for our mistakes so we spend so much time of our lives trying to fix that mistake, when realistically it's gone. Its been forgotten by the one who it mattered to most, our Creator. There is an entry in here by Rita Springer it reads, 'Eve is usually remembered by her one big mistake, but she is so much more than that. And so are we.' That speaks volumes to me, to my heart. Eve was a mother, she was a wife and she was the mother of all living things. Yes, she ate the fruit and disobeyed, but God gave her the gift of choice and he wanted her to obey Him, but she didn't. He was angry, He was hurt, but He never stopped loving her. He was more angry at the enemy for lying to Eve and pressuring her into eating the fruit. That's how God works. He created us and roots for us every single second of every single day, just like he did Eve.

To that lady who made the awkward comment about Eve when I was young. It will not longer resinate in my brain. She was a strong woman and her childbirth pains were doubled for her children as was yours. She was the first wife in all of creation, the first mother and the first lady. Wow, the first lady. That says a lot.

bittersweet

If you have read my blog before then you know that I am an emotional person. I am okay with being that way, its who I am. I think its healthy to embrace the mood you are in, but of course know when enough is enough. I am only telling you guys this to tell you that I am emotional today, I have been for 3 days.

My little sister got married Saturday and it didn't hit me until I helped her put her dress on in a tiny bathroom. My baby sister, who I remember the day she was born like yesterday, got married. Her last name changed and as excited as I am. It is still so hard to process. Not because she's married, but just because of life changing. Tonight we will have people over for the Alabama game and after that, things get quiet until I move to Uganda.

This blog may be all over the place. If I had an editor I'm sure she would get upset because I don't flow too well and I have on fake nails so typing isn't working out too well either.

Since Thanksgiving I can easily say I have cried three times a week. Not openly, I usually go for a drive- this leads me down dirt roads at sunset or around town late at night. But its how I process. I drive, I play a certain song that fits my mood and I write out the thoughts in my head as if I were reading them to a crowd. However, I forget them all before I make it to my computer and this causes my blogs be all over the place. I'm okay with it. --- Now, back to Thanksgiving-- I've cried a lot. A whole lot, because family and friends from out of town have been around every waking second of every day since then. You would think, me being an introvert would make me hate that, but I've loved it. Of course, I love the time I have in my tiny apartment at the end of each night too, but that not what I am talking about in this one.

I have seen a friend from Texas, a friend for California, a friend from the Carolinas, a friend home from college, friends that were on my mission team last year and I have seen family members from all over. California, Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia, New York-- all over. And the goodbyes are the worst part. It goes like this

them:"when do you leave again?"
me:"We fly out March 8th"
them:"Oh wow, so this will be the last time I see you before then."
This is when things get either emotional or awkward.

Seeing all of my old friends, was not easy. We are all in such different, different places. But, the beauty in coming together as adult and catching up is the best part. One of them is in the military and just had a baby. One of them is engaged. One of them moved away to become a comedian, but realized it wasn't his passion, but he fell in love with the city and lady. One of them just moved back home, we are neighbors now. We dreamt of this when we were little girls, we always wanted to be able to walk to each others homes. However, now we drive across the field because she has 2 kids and the dogs follow me over there.

This past couple of months have been bittersweet and Saturday when my little sister walked thru the doors of the sanctuary holding my daddy's hand- it hit me hard. Real hard. But I had to hold it together because she needed my tissue. Life comes and goes fast. Yesterday she was born I held in my hands and then Saturday I watched her get married. I can only imagine how my parents felt or how their parents felt?!  I mean, my dad's crying was pretty obvious how he felt, but still whoa.  It's all just so fast, but so beautiful. Before they got in the car to leave the reception, they wanted all of the immediate family to come inside to say 'bye' -- we all cried a little bit more, I told them to look out for sharks and then they ran out.

That is the thing about life, just like my dad said after that Disney trip, "Life is constantly changing. It just sneaks up on us sometimes. It changes and we don't realize it right away." But Saturday was an immediate change and March 8th will be an immediate change. All good changes, just changes that come with a little more tears and lot more faith.


** the tears are all good tears.

 

2015

It is a new year. I feel like yesterday was Thanksgiving and the day before that was my first day on tour. This year flew by, when I was little it felt like it took decades to get to my summertime birthday much less Christmas. It took forever. And now, I blink and the year has passed. It was a good one, one of my favorites. Things changed in my life, but when do things not change? This year was just more obvious, I guess. I learned a lot this year. I learned how to love more, how to give more, how to forgive, and I learned what the true meaning of joy means. I learned that I really love serving, I really love getting my hands dirty and I enjoy traveling. I learned that I am in introvert - whoa, an introvert. I also learned that I love leading, but I need time afterwards to process my days and thoughts. I realized that I overthink-- I tried to run away from it, to be the free person who does whatever and flies with the wind. That is not the case for this one, I overthink a lot. But its part of me. I don't think it stops me from living it just takes me a little more time to make a decision.

I can recall days this past year that were my favorite, I can also recall days this past year that I hated. Being that this is my blog I am sure that I repeat myself more times than not- so here is to the list of my favorite days. Please note that some of my favorite days will be forgotten, but they are in a journal buried on my book shelf. 

The day I started at the writing center at the local college in town. That was a good day, I remember being nervous about my day about what I would wear and who I would encounter. I was nervous about meeting my new co-wrokers, but I remember freaking out because I wasn't very good at grammar and I am still not. I remember when I got hired. My boss told me that I would be good at helping people get their thoughts on paper. My first 'client' came in and I remember they needed help on something small, but they didn't know how to put their thoughts on paper. As we sat in the writing center, I remember feeling like I had helped someone with something that was so small, but that was creative and I liked that. 

Two days before I left for tour, I got a phone call from another chaperone and she literally said to me, without knowing anything about me. "I feel like tour is going to open so many doors for you. Like I think you leaving for this 4 months is preparing you for something else." -- I count that as a bad day with a beautiful hidden good day. I talked myself out of tour that day because I did not want my life to change. I wanted it to stay the same, I was fine in the poolhouse. 

The day I packed and had to leave my house at 4pm to be in Florida to be dropped off for tour. I remember not crying about leaving until I couldn't fit all of my things in my bag. I couldn't zip it and I sat on my floor and wept, literally wept. I told my mom that I was not going and I started unpacking my bags. Only for her to tell me that she was not letting me talk myself out of it. That night was one I will never, ever forget. We got to the church and watched the show. After it ended, I had 18 children who I didn't know very well attack me with hugs. I cried as they welcomed me and as I said bye to my family. I remember putting my bag in the car and running back to my momma for one last hug, my dad kissing my forehead and tears from every other person in the family. I remember hugging my Pepaw and us both crying-- mind you this was the first time I'd ever left the house for more than 2 weeks. I put my bag in the wrong van that night so I had to sleep in my clothes that I wore to the show. I cried myself to sleep on a blow up mattress in a strangers house. 

The day that I knew I was free from my past. I was in Knoxville with one another chaperone. She had Chipotle for lunch and as we sat across the street from UT and both laughed louder than we ever had, our clothes did not match and I did not care what people thought about me. I remember not worrying about who I was seeing or how loud my laugh was. I just enjoyed the moment. We then walked around downtown and took pictures in front of street art and I'd never felt more like a tourist, but I was and I did not care. As we drove back to the church the sun was setting and we had the windows down and in that moment I knew that my life would never be that same. I knew that tour had changed me, that the person in the car next to me changed me, that Jesus changed me, that those kids changed my life daily. I did a laugh/cry and she asked me what was wrong and I remember just giggling and telling her, " I know that I am past my past. That that one giant thing that held me back for so long was not a worry anymore." Nothing felt more free.

The night I tucked Asia into bed and she looked me in the eyes and said, "Auntie, I am going to be missing you." I told her that I was going to be missing her. She then gently touched the side of my face and said, "I am seeing my mother in your eyes. When I go home and meet my new baby sister, I will be seeing you in her eyes." It took everything in me not to break. But I looked at her, kissed her forehead and told her that I would forever and ever be thinking about her. She is still my background on my phone and somedays when I drive in my car I hear her giggle and long to hold her sweet hand. 

The moment I watched them walk through the airport security. That moment is still being processed. I've never felt that much heartbreak. I knew they were going to their families, but I couldn't breathe. Their little tears and giant hugs will forever be etched in mind. 

The moment I called my mom to tell her I was moving to Africa. She picked up the phone crying, her voice cracked and she said- "why are you calling so early, I know what this is about and I knew it was coming." I told her about how I felt like I needed to go and she said, "Well you're going." I called Bucky that same day with knots in my stomach. 

The day that I led a team to Uganda was one that created stomach ulcers. Not because anything went wrong, I was just nervous. But when we got in the country- my heart rate when down and I took a couple of deep breaths. My team was incredible. The day I had the opportunity to baptize them in the Nile River still gives me chills. My best friend stood in the water beside me and watched me baptize some of my teammates. 

These memories could go on and on. The day my sister called me and told me she was getting married, the day I came home from tour and cried myself to sleep, my first trip to South Carolina for a staff meeting, watching a couple of babies come into the world, going to Disney, the first time I spoke at a church about the ministry.

______________________

2015 was such a big year. It was my favorite year. I loved the big changes it brought. When I think about 2016 I get jittery and I hold back tears because my mind still can not get past the airport image. I can't think past having everyone I love hugging me bye as I board a plane to move to another country. But, just like this past year I know that this year will be a lot of big change. Each moment changing into someone better than the person I am right now.

Here is to you, 2015.