confessions of an auntie

A week from today the children that I have called my own for the past 4 months will be back in their normal life. They will be waking up early to fetch water, wearing their favorite flip flops and eating their food, but most importantly they will be back with their families. This tour has changed my life in so many ways. I've learned more about myself in the past few months than I ever have.

This blog will be raw:
It will be telling my secrets from the road.

Confessions of an auntie:

I have never been this happy in my entire life.
I don't know what I will do when tour is over.
I don't know how I will be without having kids to tuck in every night
I don't know what I will do when I don't have a hand to hold.
I have become blind to skin color.
I don't know what I will do without hearing their voices everyday.
I don't know what I will do without hearing 'auntie' every ten minutes.
I don't know what they will be doing daily and it bothers me.
I don't know what my life would be like without having 18 kids to pray for daily.
I am scared of next Tuesday, scared of how my heart will feel.
I am nervous about what I will be like when I go to Uganda and not be able to see every child.
Im scared that I will forget about pure moments on tour.
I don't ever want to forget the moments that I grew.
I kept the kids up past bedtime almost every night. It was worth it.
I don't remember the name of most of my host homes.
I let the kids sing Ed Sheeran.
I also let them request a few other songs.
I told the kids daily that I loved them.
I met people that I know will be in my life for years to come.
I gained friends on the road.
I met a child who changed me daily.
I got frustrated a lot.
I had to walk away from situation to take a breath.
I explored new cities.
I napped a lot.
I stayed up too late.
I woke up late somedays.
I connected more with moms I met than people my own age.
I prayed with the kids every night.
I prayed bad things out of their dreams.
I got scared when kids sleep walked.
I prayed for healing.
I was a nurse sometimes.
I was a massage therapist most of the time.
I didn't let the kids braid my hair because I'm tender headed.
I thought about the future too much.
I didn't live in the present somedays.
I didn't love enough somedays.
I listened to Casting Crowns more than enough, all thanks to Darya.
I sang in a language I still don't know.
I broke promises, I'm sure.
I sang Happy Birthday.
I decorated bedrooms for birthday surprises.
I listened to stories that were hard to hear.
I ran in the rain.
I loaded the van in the rain.
I met a family that will never know how much they inspire me.
I met a few new friends that I hope stick around for a bit.
I argued with my momma because I missed her.
I didn't call my sisters enough.
I grew closer to my daddy on this tour.
I didn't pray enough.
I told Darya daily that she was being too loud.
I picked up words like 'Rowdy" from Marissa.
I learned new music from Lindsay.
I cried a couple of times.
I laughed more than I ever have.
I met new people daily.
I almost yelled at a homeless woman because she was yelling at my kids.
I scrubbed watermelon from red van.
I screamed through tunnels.
I drove in the rain.
I took naps while I should have been helping keep Darya awake.
I drank too much coffee.
I ate too much McDonalds.
I learned more about Uganda than I wanted to know.
I took more pictures that I needed to.
I let my phone die one too many times.
I don't like swimming in crowded pools, but I did it three times (for the kids)
I didn't shave my legs as much as I needed too.
I let the kids pick out my outfits somedays.
I let things go that were holding me back.
I laughed on bad days.
I ran for a couple of weeks.
I blew one of my knees out.
I still can't climb upstairs without the pain.
I broke my glasses.
I got new glasses.
I went to book stores in new cities.
I got tired of going to book stores every three days.
I said 'Roll Tide' a lot.
I sang "Sweet Home Alabama"
I learned more abut Texas than any other state.
I danced in the back of churches to get the kids to laugh on stage.
I learned how to live with complete strangers.
I learned how to love.
I learned the true meaning of love.
I learned that things in life aren't always planned.
I learned that the best things happen when they are unexpected.
I learned how to say 'yes'
I learned how to say 'no'

I learned that my life will never be the same. I know that my life has changed. I know that in July while I am in Uganda I will know more than ever before. I also know that saying 'goodbye' to the few kids I do get to see there will be harder than anything else Ive done. I know that Tuesday will be the longest day of my life and I know that Wednesday I will get to see my family. I know that this weekend I will see people who I am excited to see. And I know that Monday when I fly to Uganda my heart will still be confused, but it will still be full. So full of pure joy. I can't wait to see these kids again and I am currently sitting in the room with two of them. I miss them already.