There was a point in my life when I knew of Jesus, I just didn't know Him personally (big difference) -- I always heard He would come when we least expect it. There were nights I would be laying down and the thought of the world ending would come up. I would have a tiny panic attack at the very thought, so much so that I would call my dad on the phone to ask"daddy, is the world going to end tonight, I can't sleep from thinking about it?" And his response being "no, Callie, it's not"-- "promise me?" And in response he of course would promise. Looking back now on those phone calls from across the house, I sound so childish. So scared. I was scared, because I knew that I wasn't ready. When people talked about it-- I left the conversation. When a movie was on that was about the world ending-- I left. I ran from the conversation every chance I got.
You see, I use to put my trust fully in people. I put my trust in my dads promises of the world not ending. I put my trust in boys promises. I put my trust in friends promises. I put my trust in my dreams and goals. I never put my trust in Jesus and that's when things change.
Today, I went to the church and as I started praying for my life and listing every issue I had. I silenced my thoughts for a minute-- and got an image, nobody in this world would ever want. He showed me Iraq. He showed me a child, I want to say it was a little boy. It was like he looked at me, right at me, and began to cry. I opened my eyes because I couldn't handle what the next vision could have been. But, I put myself over there for a few minutes and as I sat on the floor I imagined a family. I imagined what they must feel. How scared they must be. Mostly, how much trust they must have.
Tonight as I prayed, I placed my family in that situation? What if I called my dad from my bedroom to ask if the world would end tonight-- how would my dad respond? I've thought about it so much all day, I've read articles. I've cried. I've lost hope. I've replayed what I would do if I were in their situation. Tonight I found Iraq on my globe, then I marched my fingers over to America and realized how close we are to them.
It always seems like other countries are different worlds. I use to think that. I use to not worry about what was happening anywhere but in America. Then it got real for me. So, tonight with a heavy heart I am reminded that we all live on this earth together. We created the borders. We've created this mess. We've allowed things to happen and we've pushed them under the rug because other things seemed more important.
I have learned over the years that I must put my trust in Jesus. No matter how hard it is sometimes. Do I know when the world will end? No. Do I still have panic attacks thinking about it's ending? No. Do I still call my dad to get a promise that it won't end? No. Did I blow my parents mind when I said "I'm ready for Jesus to come back" in casual conversation? Yes. But it's so true. I am ready for Him to come get me because then we can run through that field together.
I don't know why the people in Iraq are being killed for loving their Creator, but I do know that they are getting to see Him seconds after. I do know that through this foggy mess that we created, I still TRUST HIM. Yes, it's scary. But it's all worth it.
I'm going to sleep with a broken heart for our world && for our family who is on the other side of the world. Also, knowing that I can put my trust in Him.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. John 14:27
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