it's not always sunshine

Of course I post blogs all the time about good things. I post blogs about Uganda and the beautiful moments. I post about worship and Jesus, but what I don't tend to post are the thing that I write in my journal, the things where I am searching to feel something.

I don't wake up every morning stoked about life. I don't have my life figured out, like most people my age do. I cant tell you where I want to be in 5 years because it changes from Africa to America each month. I struggle just like anyone else to make time for Jesus.

&& just for example today I woke up in a terrible mood. I shared a bed with my sister whose body is like a heater, a literal furnace. So I was hotter last night than I was any night in a country where AC doesn't exist. I woke up grumpy. I woke up frustrated and I just wanted to crawl back under the covers and sleep. I shuffled to the kitchen for breakfast, tried rushing my family only to get blank stares. Wrestling a bull into a pin would have been easier with the attitude I was throwing off. I got dressed and tried to avoid quiet time simply because I didn't want to know how rude I just was. I didn't want Him to secretly say "Callie, they are mine just as much as you are" 

But here I am sitting outside, listening to the outside fountain & Bethel. I started writing in my journal all of my mediocre current issues and then I did a Kim Walker giggle and sat the pen down and here I am blogging about my "bad" morning. 

Jesus, my creator, didn't create me to be grumpy. He didn't create me to be rude when I wake up after a bad night sleep. He didn't create me to only worship Him only when I'm sitting in a dark room with some of my best friends, an acoustic guitar and prayer. 

He created me to be Him on this Earth, he created me to worship Him with every breath I take, He created me to see His beauty in His people, He placed me on this Earth to bring people to Him-- not push them away. Sometimes my actions sure don't want people to run to Him. 

I am a human. I wish I could tell you that I don't struggle with certain things, but that's not the truth but He is molding me, teaching me and pushing me daily. Even when I don't feel Him like I do overseas. 

He is still the same God here as He is there. The Jesus that I felt like I could reach out my hand and touch his face is still sitting beside me. I'm just placing him in a box here as I wouldn't there. 

It seems to be like this every time I come home. I'm on the top of the mountain and then I start climbing down. I am having to get back in the routine of things but Jesus isn't a routine. He's someone who wakes me up and surprises me daily. He gives me so much more than I have ever deserved. He gives me a freedom that only He can give me.  

So throughout my grumpiness and sometimes bad moods I imagine Him still waiting for me to calm down, waiting for me to sit quietly for a second and call on Him because then He can tell me just that He's there and that within itself should make me stop the grumpiness. 

Today I am thankful for a Jesus who loves me so much that it makes me want to be a better person and makes me want to stop my bad mood and carry on life beautifully. Like He intended it to be.