when things come together

I stress out. I stress out a lot sometimes. When things get wild or something big is about to happen, its my go to. Stress. I wish I knew how to stop it. every part of me wants to step back and say 'it doesn't matter, what will be will be,' but come on really. Is that how this works out?

I try to hold things together and I sometimes try to hide my problems. I struggle just like anyone else in the world and just to clear things up. I struggle with where life will end up? I get upset because I do not want to go to school for 2 more years. I get upset about the past even though its so far behind me that I can't find the journal entry I wrote on it. I lose sleep over small things like-- relationships, doubt, worry, fear, friendships, trust. I know that I am a broken person, someone once said "God can't shine through something that isn't broke"-- We are all broken. We are all learning. We may love people and hurt people along the way, but that's how this life works.

You invest all of your time into something or someone not knowing where it will go or how it will get there, but you do know that embracing each moment is far more important than thinking on it. I do not know what tomorrow holds, I do not know what this trip to Uganda, that I leave for in 3 days, will entail, but I do know that I am still Callie. I am still the girl who loves to laugh, who loves her family, who loves peace, who loves to bring people together, who loves the simplicity of a game night, who loves to tell her friends 'I love you', who loves to help people.

But by any means I do not try to act like I have it all together. I cry a lot. I do not pray all the time when I should. I sometimes struggle to have quiet time. I can talk Jesus up and I can write about him in the most beautiful ways possible-- this does not mean that I do not mean what I am saying. This simply means that I am a human and I do struggle. I wait till the last minute to get important things done. I whine. I get bothered when things don't go how I expected them to go. I read blogs and get upset at the idea of these people who seem to have it together and I think 'I will never have it all together', I sin. I look at social media way too much, I sometimes even look at my phone and see what everyone else is doing in the world when I have my best friend sitting in the room right next to me.

So my thoughts on this become: Do people ever really have it all together or is it just a fake covering they put on to seem as if things are together. I am sure there will be moments in my life when I know that where I am is exactly where I'm meant to be, but will there ever be a moment when I have it 'all together?'

Our generation. At least girls in our generation tend to think the second 'that man' walks into your life that things will all come together and life will make so much sense, you can go on adventures, you will love each other everyday, you will have kiddos and you will never argue. Things will be perfect. So some people freeze. They are afraid to live out their single life because they think that things will be better with someone there. So what do we do? We sit and wait......

sidenote:  while I write theses blogs, please know that I am talking to myself in most of the things I say. I look back at old blogs and preach to myself.

Personally, I don't believe in the magical one. I don't believe in soulmates. Sure I believe that there are people out there that are great fit for you. But I believe it all comes down to a choice. Your choice. 

And yes 100% Jesus can close doors and open doors, but I think we've somewhat forgotten the freedom that He gives us. 

My parents have been married 25 years and literally as I write this post, my mother is telling my dad to calm down because he is watching Armageddon, drinking coffee and is way too hyper. He tends to get into the movie, like literally tells the people what to do. && while my parents sit on opposite couches my mom proceeds to try and break that same habit of yelling at the television or laughing obnoxiously, that she's been trying to break for 25 years now, but she then realizes that its who she married. I am sure that she doesn't think this everytime she looks at him. I am sure that she still sometimes worries about what tomorrow will hold, but she has a peace of knowing that my dad- her husband will be there to battle it with her, and it's all simply because she chose him and he chose her. They hit a rough patch once. They almost split and they will be the first to tell you that it was the most difficult time in their life. They were lost, confused and both hurt-- but they still love each other. I was so bitter about certain things that go along with divorce type things, but now looking at them its sweet to hear my dad call my mother his ship mate and to hear my mom jokingly say back 'okay, captain'

Do I think that they have it all together? absouletely not, but they choose everyday when they wake up to help each other through the trials of today and take on tomorrows when they hit. Through 3 kids, who happen to all be girls, working hard, cooking dinner and eating out, through the arguments, through my dads obniouxius laughing at the television and my mothers phone attachment. They still love each other and they chose each other everyday.

Again, to the 16 year old Callie who did not believe in love. I do believe in love. Do I believe that someone will walk into my life and fix every problem I have ever had or will ever have to encounter-- absolutely not, but I do know that my husband will help me carry the weight and it will be an awesome thing. He will love me through my moments of stress and he will know what to say.

But in the meantime. I am going to live my life for me and Jesus. And I want to challenge every girl out there who is single to do the same. Don't live your life everyday hoping to meet the man of your dreams. Wake up everyday saying 'good morning' to the man who created you and is there to be everything you need in a man. 

                         -a dreamer