the big city dream was a joke

I've been in New York since Thursday afternoon. I can't begin to describe the emotions that come along with being in a city this big/small at the same time. Homelessness is so heavy, smiles are scarce, technology is a stumbling block-literally, trash is overflowing, a simple 'hello' is a dime a dozen, city noise can't be put into words, crossing the street is like swimming upstream, but most of all the people live life the best way they know how and running is half of that. It's really been a beautiful experience. 

Ive wanted to be here since I was 12. I use to sit on my computer and look up apartments, colleges, dream jobs and everything in between. When I was 14, I ended up deciding on Manhattan, being a magazine editor, no kids, didn't want to own a car, traveled by car and subway. Everything that city life seemed to involve I wanted it. It was a dream for a very long time, at 17 the job changed to band manager, but still live in New York nonetheless. Seeing New York has been on every bucket list I've written. 

Now I'm here. The first night of walking around I didn't know which way to look- so I looked everywhere. That's how the locals pick out the tourist, if they are looking up, they aren't from here. We walked down time square and I expected to be so excited because I was there. And what happens, I fight back tears because it's all too much. There are too many people, too many things, too many broken things. 

After looking at the buildings I find myself looking down now, looking at the ground only to find people asleep on all of their belongings. People who haven't showered. Who haven't had a home cooked meal in years. Who haven't heard someone say 'I love you'. Who haven't seen someone look at them like an equal.   So I find myself praying for them, as I walk by them. Of course there are the 'professionals' so I can't just stop and talk to each one I see and I can't give them money. So my next (bazaar) thought buy pretzels from the vendors and bottled water and hit the streets. Then I'm going to end up being the tourist who makes the paper for being a 'pretzel hero'-- mugged after running out free things to give out. 

I catch myself thinking these things often here. What would Jesus being doing? Would He be jamming Beatles tunes in Central Park, would He be dancing in Time Square, playing basketball, taking pictures? I know he'd be sitting down with the homeless people just listening to their stories because they have them. && then He would do something that each of us would never think of doing, He would hug them, pray for them and then tell them how beautiful they are. Then e would say three simple words that may not seem like a big deal and most of the time they are thrown around like daggers with no meaning. He would say 'I love you' but He would say it so beautifully & powerful that they believe it. And just like that they see their worth, they feel something they haven't felt in years. And they take that next step towards something bigger than the looks from the people who pass by daily. 

So to the people who do stop and talk to them, to the man I passed today with a dog, a backpack and a smile, to the man who held a sign that read 'family-hungry', I salute you. You are braver than I ever dreamt of being. 

And to the 16 year old Callie. I do not miss you. I've wondered what's made my mind change and then I have an overwhelming peace of knowing that those dreams were before I met Jesus. I use to want a dead end job, wearing heels and living in a high rise and now I want to live in the country, teach kiddos and surround myself by people who want and need love.  && just have the freedom to sit with the homeless lady because I can. 

              Funny how life works that way. 

Carolina Tide

You learn a lot about yourself when your away from everything and everyone you know. It's funny how life works that way. In South Carolina I learned that I'm really not good as good at small talk as I thought. I learned that prayer may not always be what people think of when something tragic happens but it brings a peace that's beyond anyone's understanding. I came to the realization that this world is far bigger than anything I've ever imagined. The Atlantic Ocean looks similar to the lake but with waves and a salty taste. My beach hair doesn't work as well due to the weather change. History is seriously everywhere, everywhere. When John Mark McMillian sings about the Carolina Tide I always imagined it to be a normal tide, nope it raises as the day goes on. It literally inches closer and closer and closer to the tree line as the hours pass by, it's fun to watch the families-- you can tell the tourist apart from the usuals. The tourist set up tent near the water and when the tide comes in you see them hurrying to gather their things and scoot back only to have to scoot back more 30 minutes later. There was a street called Bay Street that was within walking distance from our little town house, it was beautiful. They had swings facing the water so you could watch the sun rise and set. It was southern, classy southern. South Carolina was beautiful, the houses, the culture, the history. We ate at this restaurant that is famous in the area, it's hidden on a back road and a hole in the wall but they are known for their shrimp&grits so for breakfast on Sunday morning I had shrimp&grits. It was good, a different breakfast dish but good nonetheless. There were moments in the trip where I felt like I was searching for a radical change being that I was away from everything, but then I realized that I don't always have to be searching for a huge change I can just embrace His grace and love in the small things and embrace life. It's too short not too. I have fallen short and been trapped by my thoughts like the rest of us, but then 20 minutes after I realize how many people I passed by without smiling && they may be having the worst day and that smile may change their day. It's a tiny concept but a challenge I need to take. Put my heavy, heavy thoughts aside and just embrace the day. Not even the day but the moment. They are too short and beautiful to let them slip away. South Carolina you were a good one. I am thankful for the trip, for the people I traveled with, for the ice cream, for the ocean, for the John Mark McMillian cd I listened to 4 times, for the bridge, I'm even thankful for the parade I got stuck in while trying to get off of the island. I'm thankful for so many reasons. 

This blog is late because I'm currently in North Carolina and I should be sleeping---  New York tomorrow! 

a night with a meaning

'I had a pipe in one hand and the prayer hotline on the phone'

'im pregnant with twins, my other set of twins are 17 and one is having brain surgery tomorrow'

I have three children who are all college graduates'

'I lost my wife 3 years ago, I just wanna feel Jesus'

'I'm 6, I like school and playdoh"

these are real stories told by real people who just want to feel Jesus. They want to feel something that sticks, they want to feel worth it, they want to feel love. Some are still searching for Him and some have thrown in the flag and given up: simply to be given the best gift of all.... peace. 

I woke up yesterday like a kid at Christmas time. Ready for the evening to get to serve in the community. Throughout the day there were multiple people praying for it to go just how Jesus wanted it to go. We knew the plan was to meet there at 3 and the couple of us who could, would help them cook. When I got there we had 7 volunteers ready to cook. We met an incredible man named Mr. JR, he usually cooks in the kitchen and we were able to give him the break that he deserved. He is a hard working man so of course he put on his apron and helped us as much as he could. The worship leader was in the chapel setting up and I jumped in to help him. As a 'co-leader' of this night, I was nervous. I had no clue what to tell people to do, I know that in previous things I have come across as bossy so with everything in me I was trying my best to refrain from giving out jobs so I patiently waited for my 'co-leader' to show up only for him to tell me that I had that under control. 

There are moments during days that I seriously hear Jesus yelling in a megaphone 'YOU HAVE THIS, NOW GO FOR IT' and I sheepishly say back 'nope, you've got the wrong girl', but clearly He doesn't or he wouldnt place these passions in my heart, he would break my heart for what breaks his and he wouldnt have me standing in a kitchen with 7 people asking me what to do. This was only the start.

Whenever I plan a fundraiser or an event I am usually so pumped up about it, I have everything in order. Its been covered in prayer and then about 30-45 minutes before it beings I start worrying. Its like the enemy does everything he can to try and stop it, to stop me. So I paced around the chapel area for about 10 minutes just worrying about petty things 'what if we dont have enough volunteers', 'what if we dont connect with them', 'what if, what if, what if' so I pace and I dwell. Then I throw in the flag. Our co-leader, Matt gathers the cooking team and then he calls on me to pray, absolutely not. I do not want to pray, I want to sulk right now. I want to think of every negative thing that could go wrong, but what happens. 

I pray. Take a deep breath. & then let it go. I walked back into the kitchen to see everyone laughing and having a blast. Mr. JR is cutting up with the rest of them. Some are washing dishes, some are baking bread, some are making salad. And then it hit me --- "Its not about how perfect tonight is in my eyes, its about these people who are coming in, about being His hands and feet, loving them like the loves them and seeing them how He sees them.' 

It was about 5:20 and the back doors opened and in poured about 25-30 volunteers, I couldn't contain my grin. I tend to have this goofy grin when I'm doing something that I know Jesus is all over. Its kind of like if my cheeks hurt after the day is over, Jesus was in it. I had nicely assigned jobs, we prayed over the volunteers and then it was time for the doors to open. I was so ready. WE were so ready. They opened and I realized, great, everyone has a job but me. so I handed people a fork and salad.

They got finish and of course I walked to the one kiddo in the room, she grabbed my hand and I was set. I had made my connection for the night. I had my friend and we were going to get playdoh so that we could sit at the table and hang out while the adults were having big service. And as sure as I sat on the small seat, I heard Him again 'nope, get up'. Of course I could have stayed in my comfort zone, of course I could have sat in the back and talked to the little girl all night, but I was being pushed. So I introduced my new little friend to some other friends and watching that flourish thought the remanded of the night was worth it. I made the rounds to make sure everything was taken care of and that people were ready to start worship soon and then I was going to sit. 

You see, I can talk to kids all. day. long. but adults is the challenge at hand here. I walked by a lady and saw that her ankle was wrapped in a cast, pulled up a chair and didn't get up until I learned her entire story, even then I started talking to the lady across from me. I stayed in that general area for the reminder of the night. I learned things about these ladies, I watched them worship, I heard them pray, I watched them cry. Then I stood back to look around the room to see the worship band, who was only supposed to have 2 people playing due to last minute things, who now had 6 people. We even had a mandolin player! I looked around to see people connecting with people. I stood in the very back, held back tears and thanked Jesus that he allowed us to be there. The message was beautiful and through the tears in the room it seemed to hit a few people in the best way it could. 

I will never forget last night. I will never be able to thank Jesus enough for allowing me to be a part of something so beautiful. I will never be able to thank the volunteers who showed up and jumped in. I am so thankful for so many things and I am ready for the next one. I am ready for Jesus to open more doors for City Reach. 

By the end of the night my cheeks hurt && I was so thankful that they did.

a month of traveling. growing and learning.

well Friday morning at 6am, I pull out of Dothan for the adventure of a lifetime, or at least that is what I would like to call it. I will be traveling all over the place it seems. The journey will start in South Carolina where I will be staying with a pretty rad family, one is an artist and owns a music shop and their little boy has long hair, its destined to be a good time. I will be in charge of watching the little one and we will be living on the beach. The next stop is North Carolina where I will be visiting a super good friend that I met on my trip to Rwanda. I will be staying there for a few days. Then I will be driving up to New York to meet up with the family. Half of the family will be flying home, while the other half will be driving down the coast to see D.C and the other pretty sights along the way. NEXT. home. well, for 4 days and then the big adventure to Uganda begins. 

I know that this summer is going to be a time to grow. a time to watch things unravel. A time to see Jesus in sunrises, sunsets, smiles, strangers, car rides, wind in my hair, kiddos giggles, the late night pit stops, the good pillows, the bad pillows, the dinners that will be caught and cooked on the fire, the hiking, the singing, the pictures and videos. 

And then Uganda happens-- I get to meet the team. I get to fly across the world to be back on that red dirt and then all of the previous things I mentioned no longer matter. I could go without a pillow just to see one big, bright white smile upon a dirty little face.

Here is to a good month. with good friends. good family. good food. good music. and a great Jesus. I am thankful.

*I will be posting blogs on here about my adventures.

happy summer.

a beautiful mess

there are moments in our life we never forget

to list a few

-the day my sister was born

-the day my second sister was born

-the day I graduated high school

-the day I packed my room and moved to Montgomery

-the time I moved back home

-the time I got my cat Joey

-the first time I flew in a plane

-the first time I signed up for my mission trip

-the first time I walked into an orphanage

-the first time Joseani held my hand

-the time I flew by myself

-the first time I felt the holy spirit

-the moment that I walked into a homeless shelter

It was this past Wednesday, it was in my hometown and it housed nearly 70 residents. I talked to the director and set up a tour with the associate pastor at my church and we were on the way. In my mind, I was just going into a local business to see how things are ran, but what I was really walking into was what seemed to be an orphanage for adults... in the united states. We walked in to the first room to see multiple bunk beds that lined the walls. I listened intently to the director explain about how things are ran, how they have rules that they must follow, how during the day the residents cannot be in their beds, how they must pass drug test, how they must be trying to get a job etc. 

That was the first building which was the mens dorms, next was the ladies dorm and with that of course comes the chance of  kiddos... I asked if their were families that lived on the facility and he proceed to tell me about the families that did in fact live there and then we were shown their rooms--

we entered the building with the rooms for the families, it was all clean, quaint, but I still felt something stirring inside. He showed us an unoccupied room with 5 cots in a tiny bedroom and told us that there was a lady coming in with 5 children coming in that night-- my heart sunk. 

There I was standing in a room with 5 cots in one tiny bedroom waiting to be occupied by a family, by a mother who fears, by kiddos who have no clue, by tears, by memories, by laughter, by life. This wasn't just a thought for the moment, this is a moment that I have been stuck on

since seeing the bedroom.

being in that bedroom in that homeless shelter wasnt her dream growing up, it wasnt part of her plan but somewhere and somehow she got here and not by herself, but with 5 children, 5 other lives that she is in charge of. I do not know the lady moving in, I do not know her story, I have never met her or her children, but her Father has. Her Father knows her story and no matter how wild her story may or may not be He does not love her any less. He values her and her 5 precious children just as much as He did the day each of them were born.  && that is what makes her life so beautiful.

I am not sure how to end this entry. I have thought of catchy things to say, but none of them are seeming to fit. So I am going to end it with a thought and a prayer for each of you reading-- Jesus, break our heart for what breaks yours, show us what we can do daily to help someone in need, even if that is just a smile, show us ways to help lift people up, let us love people like you love them and not judge them by their past, let us not see their living situation but let us see their living potential. Let us be your hands and feet in our own community. Let us, as your children, love like you taught us to love. Let us be bold in who you created us to be. 

Thank you for reading. A challenge I am going to leave you with: get out there and plug yourself into an outreach program. Its needed more than we realize.